A Soul like broken Wings by chrissystriped

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Chapter One

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The falcon beat his wings restlessly, his talons buried in the thick leather glove Eonwe was wearing. He caressed Reviahûn’s soft breast feathers before laying his hand on his back, that always seemed to calm him  - at least from him. Since the falcon had landed exhaustedly on his balcony a few weeks ago, he let no one beside him get close. Not even Manwe.

Reviahûn seemed to have forgotten everything. When he touched his being, Eonwe didn’t find the mind of a Maia who had chosen the shape of an animal, just the mind of an animal. It had frightened him at first, but then he had found the Wall and knew there was still hope. The Wall didn’t allow Eonwe passage and he mustn’t breach it forcibly, but he was sure that Reviahûn was hiding behind it. He seemed to have buried his self deep inside his being.

What did they do to you? Eonwe never asked him that question, Reviahûn was running from something and he wouldn’t force him to face it – he was glad that he had run to him. He had thought to never see him again after Melkor had abducted him and he didn’t want to picture what Reviahûn had been forced to endure in the meantime that had made him embrace the falcon and hole up inside.

“Reviahûn”, he hummed at the falcon. “Beloved. Come back to me. Let me help you. We can do this together.”

Did the falcon know why he had come to him? Why he felt safe with him? He had to be in there somewhere! Eonwe caressed the falcon’s feathers and started to talk, telling him about their past. He had done this often in the last weeks, always hoping to draw Reviahûn out.

The memories came easy to his lips. How they had noticed each other for the first time in the Timeless Halls, their beings without physical form but still unique. Two beings sharing a song. Their first kiss, an innocent thing, more a touch of their minds than their bodies. The many shared flights and hunts. The union of their bodies and souls. Eonwe wiped tears from his cheeks.

“I love you, Reviahûn. I love you so much. Please, wake up. I miss you. Come back to me.”

 

The falcon tried to let the Maia’s words not touch him. They’d wake images, happy images, but it wouldn’t stop there. All the bad things... no, that had happened to a man and he was just a bird. He wanted to stay a bird and forget the pain. But the Maia sounded so sad, he became sadder every day. The falcon should have stayed away from him, he knew that, but he couldn’t. He felt drawn to him like on an invisible string. He longed for him. His hand on his sk... plumage. Eonwe...

The name came from nowhere and with it a flood of memories that swept his calm away. Eonwe kissing his lips. Eonwe gently caressing his naked skin. Eonwe who loved him and who he didn’t deserve anymore. Not after the darkness. Not after the things Sauron had done to him. The falcon screamed in despair and then he wasn’t a falcon anymore. Reviahûn huddled trembling on the floor. Eonwe reached for him but he shrank back. He was so dirty, he had no right to the closeness of this wonderful man – Eonwe just didn’t know it yet.

“Go”, Reviahûn begged. “Please, leave!”

“Reviahûn”, whispered Eonwe and made step in his direction, Reviahûn cowered against the wrought iron of the balcony.

“Please!” Reviahûn sobbed, Eonwe was so full of pain at his rejection and that hurt him so much. But he hadn’t a right to be close to him anymore. Eonwe left without another word and Reviahûn slumped crying.

He didn’t know how long he had sat there on the tiles of the balcony when he felt someone coming closer. Manwe’s being touched his. Gentle, cool and soothing like a breeze. Reviahûn looked up, wiping his eyes, his Master stood in the door and looked worried. “Let me help you, my friend”, he said softly.

Reviahûn shook his head, his body wreaked with sobs. “I let you down. It is my fault... my fault that...” The Trees, he had been supposed to protect them.

“No”, Manwe said and he sounded so decisive that Reviahûn fell silent. “It was Melkor’s fault – and that of Ungoliant – not anyone else’s, least of all yours. You couldn’t have defeated him.”

Reviahûn’s lip quivered, but he didn’t start crying again. He longed for Manwe to hug him and as if he had heard him, he came slowly closer and pulled him against his chest. Reviahûn buried his head on his shoulder and closed his eyes. He was so exhausted... the new body... and all that crying... and Manwe was safety.

“Don’t let Eonwe come close”, he asked softly before he succumbed to sleep.

 

Reviahûn had spent the last days just staring at the ceiling and trying not to think of what had happened to him. He was weak, his body hale but his soul too sore to inhabit it properly. More often than not, he woke screaming from a dream. Manwe was always there, calming him, holding him until he fell asleep again or it turned morning. Manwe was there now when he woke and Reviahûn felt immediately secure.

Reviahûn slowly opened his eyes but couldn’t meet Manwe’s gaze. He was so ashamed of everything that had happened. No, maybe he really couldn’t have achieved anything against Melkor, but Sauron... Sauron was a Maia like him and not that more powerful. He should have put up more of a fight – but every refusal had been met with so much pain... even more pain than he had been subjected to anyway.

“Reviahûn?” Manwe spoke quietly as if he expected a loud voice to frighten him and he realised that he'd started to tremble.

“Yes, Manwe?” He lifted his eyes before quickly looking away again.

“You are hurt, my friend.” It wasn’t a question and Reviahûn wasn’t surprised at that. It was obvious that it was true. “And I want to help you heal, but I’m afraid to do something wrong.”

“Please don’t send me away!” Reviahûn felt his panic rise. Was he so useless now that his Master rejected him?

“No, Reviahûn, I didn’t intend to.” Manwe laid his hand on his shoulder and Reviahûn leaned into his touch. “But that’s what I mean. I say something and don’t know how you’ll react to it. I don’t want to make it worse.”

Reviahûn choked on a sob. “You can’t make it worse.”

Manwe’s hand squeezed his shoulder. “What I wanted to say is: Irmo might be more suited to care for you. You can stay here, of course”, Manwe added quickly, he must have felt Reviahûn tense. “And if you want, I’ll stay with you and... hold you?”

“I don’t know if I can bear anyone else nearby”, Reviahûn answered quietly.

Manwe didn’t ask, but Reviahûn could still hear the question. He wavered between the wish to ignore it and the desire to confide in Manwe.

“Because you are my Master”, he finally said. “No matter how much I disappointed you, you are my Master and you are gracious and I know that you’ll forgive me. I can trust you. And you never looked at me like... like Eonwe. You don’t want me like that.”

Manwe sat down beside him on the bed and Reviahûn hid in his arms.

“I trust Irmo”, Manwe said and his voice vibrated under Reviahûn’s ear. “You trust me. Do you think, you can trust him, because I trust him?”

Reviahûn mulled it over, Manwe’s hand caressed his back calmingly. Irmo would ask questions. Painful questions about things he wanted to forget, but... even the falcon hadn’t slept through a single night because Sauron followed him to his dreams. He knew that he wouldn’t forget, he needed help.

“Now. I... I’ll try if you stay with me, but I can’t wait for it.”

Manwe nodded slowly. “He’ll come. And if it is too soon, he’ll leave again. I promise.”

Irmo didn’t let him wait. Reviahûn felt a cold weight sink to his stomach. It wasn’t Irmo, more the prospect of the questions. Irmo sat on the chair Manwe had left when he sat beside him on the bed.

“I won’t force you to tell me anything, Reviahûn”, he said. “I’ll ask a few questions, but if you don’t want to answer – or can’t – I’ll not insist. And I won't judge you, no matter what you tell me. Do you want Manwe to stay?”

Reviahûn nodded. He wasn’t afraid for his Master to hear what he would say, he’d never had secrets from him.

“Yes”, he said softly and braced himself.

“Why don't you want to see Eonwe?”

“I... I...” He shook his head and held tight to Manwe, he couldn’t say it.

Irmo nodded, his Music soothing. “I’m just wondering, because when you wore the shape of a falcon, only Eonwe was allowed to come close to you. Can you tell me, why?”

“The falcon knew that he’d be safe with Eonwe. The falcon didn’t remember and Eonwe was safety.”

Reviahûn’s breath calmed, Irmo’s presence felt good. He didn’t demand anything of him. He could answer or not and it would have no consequences whatever he said or didn't say.

“And now you aren’t safe with him anymore?”

Reviahûn shook his head. “That’s not it.”

He wasn’t sure if he... could with Eonwe and, anyway, it hurt too much to contemplate something he’d never have now.

“I’m not afraid of him. That’s not the reason why I can’t be close to him.”

Reviahûn looked at the white blanket. White. Pure. Like he wasn’t any longer. He clenched his hands and wished he could be the falcon again. The falcon’s heart hadn’t hurt like his. But he had just lost a body, he was too weak to change shape again.

“I’m weak”, he whispered.

Manwe held him close. “You aren’t”, he said softly, but Reviahûn knew that his Master wasn’t right this time. He shook his head.

“What... what he - Sauron - did to me... Eonwe has to forget me. I don’t deserve him anymore, I’m not... not worthy of him.”

“Oh, Reviahûn”, Irmo’s Music remained gentle, “that’s not true.”

“You are very kind to say that, herunya”, whispered Reviahûn, “but you don’t know...” He broke again into sobs and leaned into Manwe, who rubbed his back.

“Do you want to talk about what happened? Why you think that? I know you have bad dreams.”

Reviahûn shook his head. “Please.”

“I won’t force you”, Irmo said. “I could come to your dreams, help you through those nightmares.”

Reviahûn peeked at him through the hair that had fallen into his face. “You would do that for me?” He was so much trouble for them.

“Of course.” Irmo smiled at him. “I think, I should leave now. You can call me any time, if you want to talk.”

“Thank you, herunya.” Reviahûn closed his eyes, he was so tired.

 

“How is he? Can I see him?”

Eonwe had barely left the hallway before Reviahûn’s room in the last days. He couldn’t bear to be parted from his beloved – again. Reviahûn was hurt, he should be there for him. Manwe shook his head, giving him a pitying look.

“It would be better if you stay away from him for now, Eonwe. He is... not well.”

Eonwe stared at his Master, speechless. “Of course he isn't. But... I love him, Manwe!”, he finally stuttered. “Please, let me talk to him. I’ll be gentle.”

“I know.” Manwe patted his shoulder. “But he begged me to keep you away.”

“Why?”, Eonwe choked out. “Why would he say that?”

“I don’t think that’s for me to tell.” Manwe lifted his hand when Eonwe wanted to say that it didn’t look like Reviahûn would tell him. “No, Eonwe. I know how much this hurts, but Reviahûn is not in a good condition and to see you would upset him too much. Irmo is going to look after him. I promise you, this is not forever, but right now the best you can do for him, is to stay away.”

Eonwe blinked hard to keep his tears back. “But... doesn’t he love me anymore?”

“Oh my friend,” Manwe embraced him. “If you ask me, he loves you too much. I can’t say what he thinks or what happened to him in Angband, but I’m sure that he still loves you. He suffers by pushing you away, but he thinks it’s better for you. Right now, it would hurt him even more to see you, because he’d have to tell you that then. Please, be patient.”

Eonwe nodded slowly. Patience. That wasn’t his strong suit. Manwe smiled wryly as if he knew what he was thinking.

“Learn to be patient for him.”