The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

Murder on the High Cs

AINULINDALË

The Music of the Ainur

There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Iluvatar – and he was the Chief Dude. In other words, God. Mess thou not with Him.

And lo! He made the Holy and Sparkly Ones, who are called the Ainur, and who were greatly talented in the art of Music. And they vocalised before Him, and He was rendered exceeding Happy.

And it came to pass that He said unto them, “O Holy and Sparkly Ones! Ye shalt make before me a Great Opera, and ye had better do it well.”

Then the voices of the Ainur, like unto guitars and drums, and synthesisers and hurdy-gurdies, and tambourines and triangles, made this Great Opera. And lo, the Void was not void, and Void became an unsuitable name for the Void yet it remained in name the Void, because it soundeth cool.

Thus, Iluvatar sat in gladness, because the Great Opera was made awesome.

But Melkor, bethinking himself that Rap was cooler than Opera, began to make a Great Rap. This he did because he thought he was made of more awesome than everyone else, and smarter than everyone else—yet if he were smarter, he would not have gone into the Void, seeking the Imperishable Flame, because the Void is Void. And he was the first Non-Conformist.

And behold! Half of the Great Opera Artists beginneth to rap with Melkor. And Iluvatar thought’st it not half-bad, until it got too loud.

So he stood up and declared a new Theme, which was Gregorian Chant, yet in those days it was not called Gregorian Chant, for Gregory existed not. But Melkor persisted in rap, and there were a great number that joined him. Thus the music got screwed up a second time.

Then Iluvatar began yet another Theme, in an effort to make Melkor shut up.

And thus the Ainur discovered that Rap and Baroque are not compatible themes of Music.

And Iluvatar, being highly cheesed off, saith unto Melkor, “Tut tut. Thou naughty knave. Yet thy Rap in the end redounds only to my glory.”

And Iluvatar saith unto the Ainur, “Behold thy Music! Ye have done this deed of awesomeness, in the form of a spherical ball composed of physical Matter, including carbon-based forms of life!”

And the Ainur responded, “Cool!”

But in his thought Melkor too was highly cheesed off, and saith to himself, “Whoop-de-frickin’ doo.”

Yet many of the Ainur, Melkor among their number, greatly desired to hang out in that place. And Melkor fooleth himself into thinking that he would order all things for the Children of Iluvatar, to which some Ainur rolleth their eyes and respondeth, “Yeah right.”

And Iluvatar hadst a heart-to-heart with Ulmo. Whereupon to this day Ulmo and Manwë are good mates.

But the Ainur were quibbling amongst themselves, and so Iluvatar saith unto them: “Eä! The spherical ball composed of physical matter and housing carbon-based forms of life is come into being. Who wants to go down there?”

And the Ainur cried with loud voices saying, “Me! Me! Pick me!”

So some of the Ainur, the Holy and Sparkly Ones, remaineth with Iluvatar, hanging around the Timeless Halls. But the others, who dwell in the confines of the Spherical Ball that Is, are the Valar.

But unfortunately, Melkor went with them. And with a loud voice, he saith unto the other Valar, “I doth rock thy socks and therefore this is my kingdom!”

But Manwë, the brother of Melkor, saith sternly, “We have worked just as hard as thou, so rack thou off.”

And lo! This did absolutely nothing to appease the conflict.

For the Valar couldst do a lot of cool stuff, such as walking through walls and clothing themselves with their own thought.

But as ye brethren can imagine, Melkor when clothed with his own thought looked pretty ugly, and scary too.

Thus began the first battle of the Valar with Melkor for the dominion of Arda, where all things were to be ordered for the good of the Children of Iluvatar.

In which wars, I am sad to say, the earth was completely screwed in the process.

Yet eventually, the earth was made firm—but mightily cheesed off was Melkor, and he was by no means done with trying to steal Arda.

Chapter End Notes

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