The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

In Which Aule Stuffs Things Up

OF AULË AND YAVANNA

Aulë, it is said, wished to teach the Children of Ilúvatar his lore and crafts.

But alas! The Children of Ilúvatar had not yet shown up.

And verily, he didst decide to create beings of his own. Yet this was not a good move in the sight of the Lord, for once the Dwarves—for this is the name Aulë's short, bearded things were known by ever after—were full-wrought, a booming voice came down unto Aulë, saying: "What the frick dost thou think thou art doing? These beings (which look rather strange) can only move by the power of thy mind, and thy neuronal connections are alas, not enough to be able to achieve this. They shall stand idle, whilst though dost prance around in thy forge. Is that thy desire?"

And Aulë feeling chastened saith unto Ilúvatar: "I did not desire such douchebaggery. I only wished to share my skills. Yet I have thus fallen into folly."

And Ilúvatar rolling his eyes saith: "Thou dost not say."

And Aulë feeling even more chastened responded: "I shall destroy these things of my presumption."

But Ilúvatar answered unto Aulë: "Nay, stay thy hand. Death by hammer is unethical and inhumane. And furthermore, I have given thy creatures life."

And lo! Aulë nearly squeed as the fangirls do and ran riot about the cave, and didst a happy dance. But Ilúvatar was not finished.

"Tarry a moment, Aulë, and do not break out the miruvodka™," said he, "for thy children shall sleep beneath the mountains and only come forth when mine do. But there shall always be strife between the children of my adoption and the children of my choice henceforth."

And thus Aulë, knowing now that he wouldst not get into trouble with Ilúvatar, sought to tell his wife Yavanna of the Dwarves.

But Yavanna's heart didst fill with worry, for the Dwarves, and the Children of Ilúvatar, wouldst need to cut down her trees. And she went to Manwë, asking him: "Is it true that the Children will have rule over the things of my work?"

And Manwë seeing Yavanna's concerned countenance saith: "Um…yeah. About that."

And Yavanna saith: "But shall there be nothing in my realm that will be protected? Of all the things I have made the trees I hold most dear. Would that there would be something to protect the trees and speak out against those who wrong them!"

And Manwë giving Yavanna a strange look answered thus: "Thou art seriously weird."

And Yavanna giggled crazily and saith: "I know."

So ignoring her Manwë sought counsel with Ilúvatar, who knew of Yavanna's strange impulses. And having had his divine chat he saith unto Yavanna: "Behold! When the Firstborn Children of Ilúvatar awaken, so shall the spirits who shall guard the trees."

And Yavanna was glad, saying: "High shall the trees grow, so that the eagles of Manwë shall nest in them, never minding that eagles like to live up in the mountains!"

But Manwë looked down upon her sternly, and she didst mutter to herself, "Male pride issues."

Yet he didst not hear these words and saith: "Nay, not the eagles, but the shepherds of the trees shall be the guardians of thy freaking forests. Now please get thee gone, for thou art giving me a headache."

So Yavanna went away, her heart gladdened, for her forests would be afforded the protection of powerful spirits, who in later times were known as Ents.

Thus the "Save the Trees of Arda" Society was founded, and of which in later Ages Legolas Prince of Mirkwood, otherwise known as The Elf of Great Hotness*, became a member.

Chapter End Notes

* The Elf of Great Hotness features in "The Fanfiction Testament".