The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

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VALAQUENTA

Account of the Valar and Maiar according to the lore of the Eldar

And so, the Elves name the mightiest of the Ainur in Eä the Valar, the Powers of Arda, whom Men have often called gods.

Men are silly.

In the thought of Iluvatar Manwë and Melkor were brethren, though now there doth seem to be a family feud which endureth forever—for their tastes in music do clash. And Manwë is Lord of the Breath of Arda, and he loveth birds. And his spouse Varda joketh sometimes that the reason for this is that his brain is like unto one.

Varda art the Sparkly and Pretty One. She and Manwë dwell on the heights of Oiolossë, the Ever-White, maintaining a Ski Resort for the entertainment of the Eldar. Unless thou livest in a crappy place filled with electric light, at night thou mayest see the stars that she made. And in reverence, the Elves name her Elbereth, and Gilthoniel, and Elentari and a lot of other names – too many names. For those who are held in reverence must perforce have many names.

And lo! The Watery Guy is Ulmo, who is Manwë’s best mate. Yet he is girl-shy, and wandereth where he will throughout the waters. He maketh up for this by befriending Elves and Men.

Aulë loveth dirt. And he maketh pretty jewellery, wherefore every girl should’st hold him in reverence. There would have been friendship ‘twixt him and Melkor, for they were alike in thought and power—but the obstacle to that friendship was that Melkor was evil.

And the spouse of Aulë is Yavanna, the Giver of Fruits, and Kementari, Queen of the Earth, and the One With Not As Many Names As Varda. She loveth flowers and growing things and mouldy stuff. Therefore all housewives call upon her name when cleaning out the fridge. In the form of a woman is tall and dressed in green, but other times she looketh like a tree. Ask thou not how the heck this doth work. Accept the word of the Mighty Professor Tolkien, Lord of Oxford, and question not his Righteous Awesomeness.

The Masters of Spirits, the Fëanturi, are Námo and Irmo, but are called Mandos and Lórien, after the places they doth hang out at.

Mandos, the older of the Brethren, dwelleth in the West of Valinor, and knows much of the future. Hanging out with the Dead maketh one rather morbid and the word ‘fun’ is swearing in Mandos’ ears. Yet despite this, he hath a spouse, Vairë, who doth sit around and weave.

Lórien the younger, is somewhat hippy, being the master of visions and dreams. Spirits of the less dead kind hangeth around his gardens. His spouse, Estë, sleeps all day. A boring existence she must lead, but there thou goest.

And more powerful than Estë is Niënna, the sister of Mandos and Lórien, who doth a lot of crying. Yea, even she didst cry when she was singing in the Great Opera. Yet for some reason, even with all the lamentation, she manageth to teach hope unto the Children of Iluvatar. She dwelleth not where all is glad, for like unto her brother Mandos, ‘fun’ is cussing. And the Dead cry out to her, and she hangeth out with them for a while, teaching them hope. Indeed, Niënna hath a weird job.

And lo! The biggest nut in the bushel is Tulkas, who doth laugh when he is angry. Go thou not to him for help, for he is a lousy counsellor. But though his sanity is often called into question, and he doth somewhat resemble a Viking, he is a good friend. Also in deeds of strength and wrestling he is tireless. His spouse, who doth put up with his barbarian behaviour, is Nessa. She doth like deer and dancing. Whereas Tulkas liketh beer and lancing.

Oromë is less strong than Tulkas but in needing anger management he has no equal. Often he would ride to Middle-Earth on his horse Nahar, whose name art expressive of the Eldar’s affinity in matters of onomatopoeia. In Quenya he is named Aldaron, and in Sindarin Tauron, for he loves trees, as well as hunting fell beasts. His interests are therefore many and divers. He hath also an awesome horn, the Valaróma, which on account of its exceeding loudness disturbeth the sleep of all in Valinor. Oromë’s spouse is Vána the Ever-Young, younger sister of Yavanna. Flowers open when she passes and birds sing at her coming. But she doth not much in particular, except perhaps to look pretty.

Of the Maiar

The Valar hath servants. (Well, how else didst thou expect the Valar to build the earth without a little help?) They are the Maiar.

Ilmarë is the handmaiden of Varda, whatever jobs that entails. And Eönwë is the Herald of Manwë and his banner-bearer, which must be fun. But Ossë and Uinen are best known of all the Maiar—Ossë because he was a trouble-maker, and Uinen because she hath long hair.

Ossë is a servant of Ulmo, who hangeth around the coasts, for he believeth that coasts are cool. And Uinen’s hair lies spread throughout all the waters beneath the sky. And it must get into nasty tangles thereby.

But Melkor coming unto Ossë saith, “Here’s the deal, yo: thou shalt get all the power of Ulmo, if thou servest me.”

And Ossë unto him saith, “That soundeth pretty cool.”

And ruin was wrought to the lands, for Ossë’s need for anger management therapy at times exceeds even Oromë’s.

But his spouse Uinen restrained him at the prayer of Aulë, and bringing him unto Ulmo gave him the best anger management counselling. And they didst work out their differences in a peaceful and rational manner. Thus he serveth Ulmo ever, and told Melkor to stuff it.

Yet it will chance that Ossë forgets himself and rages in his wilfulness, delighting in storm. Wherefore Ulmo must again sedate him with the power of anger management therapy.

And Melian was another Maia, a peaceful hippy type who served Vána and Estë and found true peace and love in the gardens of Lórien. But there shall be more about her later.

And there was yet another Maia, named Olórin, and he was the wisest of all Maiar. Of him the tales of later days only do speak – for he, surprisingly, is Gandalf. I bet that thou didst not know that one.

Of the Enemies

Last of all is Melkor, He Who Arises In Might. But he hath forsaken this name in favour of Morgoth, which he doth believe soundeth scarier. He began with desire for Opera, then descended through fire and wrath into a great burning, and down into Rap. And Rap he used most in his evil works upon Arda—or at least, the Divine Gangster Dude behaviour that cometh thereof.

But nay, he is not alone—for lesser rap artists among the Maiar sought to join him. And among them are the Balrogs—cloaked in shadow, flame and blingage. And his chief servant Sauron, also called Gorthaur the Cruel, was once of the Maiar of Aulendil—but he didst leave and join Melkor for the promise of better pay and an advancement in his career prospects.

And of Melkor it is said that he was a closet pyromaniac. For behold! In later days, his chief servant Sauron became as one in the form of a Giant Flaming Disembodied Eyeball—not to mention the Balrogs, who were all scary and flamey.

Therefore these are the names of the Valar, the Valier and the Maiar, both good and evil. And remember thou these names well.

For the time will come when the Valar will shape the fortunes of all.

 Well, sort of.

Chapter End Notes

**Thank you to Wendy for pointing out grammatical errors. :)