The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

The Elves Goeth Marching One By One

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OF THE COMING OF THE ELVES AND THE CAPTIVITY OF MELKOR

And thus the Valar didst mope around in Valinor, and none save Oromë and Yavanna came ever to the lands of Middle Earth, for the bad singing of Melkor and his servants was ever a strain on their eardrums when they chose to be corporeal.

But in the North Melkor didst steadily build his stronghold, and the fortress of Angband on the north-western shores of the sea. And lo! in Utumno he didst gather his demons around him, those spirits of fire who first adhered to him in the days of his Bling, and who remained with him when he didst become a Tacky Corporate Sell-Out (although corporations existed not, so once again ask not how the frick this doth work). And terror went before them, and they didst carry whips of flame. Dwell not over long on the dodgy connotations this doth entail.

And after yet a little while, the Valar didst hold council, being troubled by the tidings of the One With Not As Many Names As Varda and the One Who Needeth Anger Management Therapy.

And Yavanna saith unto the Lords of the West: "Ye Mighty of Arda, the hour of the coming of the Children draweth nigh! And yet the land of their dwelling remaineth in darkness. Shall they call The Lord of Too Much Tacky Blingage Lord while Bird-Brain here sitteth upon Taniquetil?"

And Manwë protesteth, saying: "OI! Only Varda is allowed to call me Bird-Brain!"

And Tulkas the One Who Needeth A Padded Cell didst cry out: "Nay, let us make war!"

But Estë and Lórien didst point at their matching robes with the colourful lettering: "Make Ye Love, Not War."

And Tulkas The Mad pouted and saith: "I want to fight people and blow their heads off! Ha ha ha haa!"

But at the bidding of Manwë Mandos didst say unto Tulkas: "Thou fool! Explosives haven't been invented yet." And at the sulking of Tulkas he added, "It is doom that the Elves shall come in darkness, and to Varda the Pretty and Sparkly shall they ever call in their need." And in a loud voice that didst echo impressively, he added, "DOOOOOOOMMMM."

Lo! Varda goeth from the council, and beginneth a great labour. And being keen on things that are Pretty and Sparkly (but not pseudo-vampires of this kind, alas), she didst make new stars and constellations. And among them are: Carnil and Luinil, Alcarinquë and Elemmirë she didst make; and Randomwë and Unpronóuncablë; Ilúvdiacritics and Sparklendil, and many others of similar name.

And behold! When she didst finish, the Elves didst awake. And the first thing they saw were the stars. Therefore they gaveth them all manner of ridiculously long names, and ever do they revere Varda the Pretty and Sparkly. Or Varda the Sparkly and Pretty, whichever thou dost prefer.

And it is said that at the sight of the stars the Elves first didst cry out, "Ele," meaning, "Behold!" or "Holy shit!" or "OMG SPARKLEEZ!11!" for no one canst agree on what it didst mean. And lo, even some do tell that its true meaning is, "The fox whose fur was the colour of rich soil reached a certain velocity in order to jump over a dog whose slothful habits necessitated the performance of the aforementioned task."

Whilst themselves they named the Quendi, signifying those who speak with voices. Which after the colourful meanings of "ele" doth seem a trifle anticlimactic.

Lo, Oromë didst tell his fellow Valar about the coming of the Elves, and they didst have the brilliant idea of inviting them to stay in Valinor. Note thou the sarcasm.

The Eldar were they who didst follow the Vala to Valinor; and the Avari were they who did not, refusing to conform. And they were the Second Non-Conformists.

And the Eldar were sundered into three tribes - or clans, if thou dost prefer, in the spirit of political correctness in all things. Ingwë didst lead the Vanyar; Finwë the Noldor; and the Teleri were led by Elwë The Paranoid.

And they didst take forever to get there, yet eventually they did. Even the Teleri, who didst lag behind to take in the aesthetically pleasing environment that was Middle-Earth.