The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

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Let's Start At The Very Beginning

I have nothing against rap—it's just not really my cuppa tea. I chose it for Melkor because it's just about the polar opposite of early music. ;)

And I will warn you now that the updates will be sporadic—well, most of my stories are a bit like that, actually, but this one is just a fun fic I do on the side. Uni has been seriously kicking my arse and I've only been there for a week and a half!

Thank you all for the comments and support. Keep 'em coming!

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Lord Elrond of Imladris glanced at the assembled fangirls over the top of the papers that so far comprised the re-written Ainulindalë and Valaquenta.

"I tell you to make a study of The Silmarillion for the purposes of writing fanfiction," he said slowly, "and you completely re-write it without any factual qualities whatsoever."

There was a shared look of nervousness amongst all the girls. The only one brave enough to speak gulped and stammered, "Well, y-you told us to be creative in our approach—"

"So I did. Well." He tossed the papers onto his desk and stood up with his hands behind his back. "Seeing what you have done with the Ainulindalë and Valaquenta, I will be very interested to see how the History of the Silmarils turns out." His tone was neither pleased nor disapproving.

The girls took this as a sign of dismissal. They all breathed a collective sigh of relief and filed out, one by one.

It was perhaps fortunate that Lord Elrond wished that they continue—for the next part was already in the process of being written. As much as the fangirls hated to admit it, studying Elvish lore (and re-writing it) was a lot of fun.

Not, of course, that they would give Lord Elrond the satisfaction of seeing them turn into model fanfiction writers.

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QUENTA SILMARILLION

The History of the Silmarils

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OF THE BEGINNING OF DAYS

Let us start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

When thou readest, thou beginest with "A, B, C."

When thou readest about the creation of the world, thou beginest with the Valar and an evil renegade ex-Vala who doth love pulling down the decorations, marring paint jobs and blocking the plumbing.

And Tulkas (the laughing, angry one) bounced down from heaven, and Melkor fled before his wrath and his nuttiness. And lo! Tulkas became one of the Valar, but Melkor brooded in the outer darkness. For unto him Tulkas saith: "Begone! Thy rap doth suck!" And his hate was given to Tulkas forever after.

Behold! In time the Valar didst complete all that was required—the painting, the building, the plumbing systems of Arda—and two lamps were made, Illuin and Ormal, by which was Middle-Earth lit.

And thus was discovered the power of electricity.

Brethren, once again ask not how this worketh. Rather accept and believe the word, and receive Tolkien into thy hearts. Even if, technically, he didst make no mention of electricity in his work.

And the Valar didst sit back and relax on the Isle of Almaren. For they believed that Melkor could now do them no harm (by which belief, it must be said, they were highly deluded).

And this was the Spring of Arda, called so even though there were no flowers, a fact by which we are mightily confused. And Tulkas during this time didst espouse Nessa. He couldst not have picked a worse time.

For little did the Valar know that Melkor, having built his evil stronghold Utumno in the North, didst mess around with the lamp wiring. Thus it short-circuited.

And when Melkor and his army bore down upon Almaren, they came with fire in order to appease Melkor's pyromaniacal urges.

Indeed, the first designs of the Valar were utterly screwed.

But Tulkas being mightily pissed ran after Melkor, shouting, "I am angry! Ha ha ha haa! And when I'm angry I doth laugh! Ha ha ha haa! Thou didst ruin my wedding feast! Ha ha ha haa!"

And Melkor being mightily freaked out saith unto himself, "Holy socks," and disappeared into Utumno ere Tulkas could laugh him to death.

Therefore the Valar moved to the continent of Aman, establishing themselves in Valinor, and built themselves a city called Valmar.

And the Valar saith amongst themselves, "Behold—electricity hath failed us," for they knew not that, had they wired up the lamps properly in the first place, then Melkor would not have stuffed up the wiring, and the short circuiting would have happened not.

So, whilst the other Valar sat in the Ring of Doom (and remember thou the word doom, for it shall become of great import) Yavanna and Nienna didst sit around on a random mound outside Valmar, Yavanna singing and Nienna crying all over it, wherefrom two Trees sprung. One was of silver, and had about ten thousand names in Elvish, and the other of gold, having twice as many names as the silver—for the Elves are eager to bestow every name they can think of on anything pretty and shiny, like trees and Varda. And the Trees grew swiftly, and bore their own light, silver and gold.

Nienna therefore must have done a lot of crying. And Yavanna's vocal chords must have had it.

And coming to the mound the other Valar didst lift up their voices in gladness, saying: "Hey, check ye this out! Glowing trees!"

And Yavanna and Nienna didst simultaneously facepalm.

Therefore the Valar didst proclaim this deed to be a Deed of Awesomeness, and the Days of the Bliss of Valinor ensued, in which drunken rioting amidst the Maiar for several days was involved. In this time, presumably, was miruvor made, the drink of the Blessed, of which rumour says a thimbleful wouldst make an Elf dead-drunk for three days straight.

Alas, that the Valar did not know that the making of the Trees wouldst prove to be more of a problem than electric lamps!

But Melkor in Middle-Earth didst spread forth his evil, and his bad singing knew no bounds. Oromë who didst ride across Middle-Earth was able to put an end to it, but after his passing then alas! The lands of Middle-Earth didst become filled with shadows and deceit, where some rather shady deals involving some of Yavanna's plants didst take place.

And Yavanna being against such shady deals urged the other Valar to make war on Melkor.

But Aulë in his smart-arsey-ness saith unto his wife: "That is what thou gettest for making weed."

And in this Yavanna was silent.