Taboos Were Made To Be Broken (January 2017) by Kaylee Arafinwiel

What Uncle Glorfi Says...

Written in tribute to Atto Fiondil's Glorfindel, and to his story "STING: Blades of Destiny", following on a few years later.

While Idril and her son spend time together in her solar, Idril finds Glorfindel isn't quite as careful around her boy as he could have been...

B1 "Bad Language"

Read What Uncle Glorfi Says...

“Seron-en-orch!”

 

Idril stopped polishing Gloruilios, and gave her small son a measured look. “Ardamirë, yonya, where didst thou hear those words?” she asked, eyebrows raised.

 

Eärendil stared back, fidgeting. The boy, hardly more than a toddler by Elven count but who seemed much sturdier and stronger due to his Mannish blood, looked unaccountably nervous. “Uncle Glorfi.”

 

“I see,” Idril replied. “And why didst thine Uncle Glorfi say these naughty words?” she questioned.

Eärendil shrugged helplessly. “He dropped his dagger. It did not hit me, Ammë.”

“But it was close enough to hit thee?” Idril inquired. Eärendil nodded slowly. “And why didst thou repeat these same naughty words just then?”

“I dropped my sword. But truly, Ammë , I am fine.” Eärendil picked up his wooden blade, cheeks reddening.

“Then if thou art well, and thy sword is undamaged,” Idril began, eyeing her son. He nodded hesitantly. “Good. Go to Meleth now and tell her thou’rt to stay in the nursery until supper. There will be no more swords today for thee, hina.” She put Gloruilios aside and rose from her workbench to regard her son sternly.

 

Since it was only an hour until the bell was customarily rung, the sentence was not so heavy as it might otherwise have been. Still, the little boy sighed heavily and wrapped his arms briefly around his ammë before complying. Meleth, he knew, would not sympathise with him in the least. Proper princes did not use naughty language. At least, Eärendil reflected as he headed for the nursery, Uncle Glorfi would not be mad with him. He wasn’t a ‘proper prince’ either.

---

Chapter End Notes

Ardamire is Earendil's mother-name and means "Jewel of Arda"

Gloruilios means 'gold-everwhite' in Sindarin and is the name of Turgon's original sword (before Glamdring) in the Fiondilverse. It was gifted to Idril in "Blades of Destiny". Glorfindel's dagger is also first mentioned there.

In a few days, it will be the second anniversary of my beloved Atto Fiondil's death. I miss him very much indeed and hope he would take pleasure in this tribute.

The Steward's Tale

Originally written for B2MEM 2011 prompt 6 "Greed", this is posted here for B5 "Ethnocentrism and Prejudice" and because I intend to write more about what followed on from it. It's been edited slightly from its original form to reflect things I've learned in the past nearly-six years.

Text in italics is from the Silmarillion and not owned by me. What, then, did Elmo, Steward and brother of Elu Thingol, make of his brother's meeting with the son of Barahir?

Read The Steward's Tale

I saw him standing there, bespelled. The light in the young Mortal's eyes spoke of enchantment; the enchantment of love. He turned to my elder brother, who met his eyes with an ice-cold gaze.
 
"Who are you," bespoke my brother and lord, "that come hither as a thief, and unbidden dare to approach my throne?"
 
I watched as he stood, frozen, unable to speak, and my niece spoke instead, giving the one who had been ensnared by her beauty her support.
 
"He is Beren son of Barahir, lord of Men, foe of Morgoth, the tale of whose deeds is become a song even among the Elves." Her gaze pleaded with my brother's for lenience, but he would not back down.
 
"Let Beren speak!" he commanded. "What would you here, unhappy mortal, and for what cause have you left your own land to enter this, which is forbidden to such as you? Can you show reason why my power should not be laid on you in heavy punishment for your insolence and folly?"
 
I could think of reasons, Brother...stay thy hand! But alas, I am only Steward, and I have no right to speak so. Olwe would not have liked me to intervene. So I sat quietly and watched as the brash young Mortal, Beren son of Barahir, and my brother Elwe Singollo, called Thingol, discoursed together. But then, Beren asked for the hand of Luthien...the only treasure I knew my brother placed beyond price.
 
He demanded a price indeed...one so heavy I feared no one would be able to fulfill its condition. No doubt my brother thought so, too. Greed drove him; greed and the desire to claim what was not his.
 
In truth, were my brother and Beren not more alike than Elu thought? For Elu, too, had made a marriage far beyond that any of our kindred had ever made; why should he be the only to do so? Luthien spoke truly; the deeds of Barahir and of Beren his son were renowned. Why should Beren not wed her? Was he any less worthy than Elu had been of Melian? But the Silmaril...Elu had gone too far. I expected Beren to give up. But instead, Beren laughed.
 
"For little price do Elven-kings sell their daughters; for gems, and things made by craft. But if this be your will, Thingol, then I will perform it. And when we meet again, my hand shall hold a Silmaril from the Iron Crown; for you have not looked the last upon Beren son of Barahir."
 
With that, and a final look to Melian and to Luthien, he departed on his quest, leaving me filled with dread.
 
"What is this thou hast wrought, aran veleg lin?" I demanded once the Mortal had gone, enjoined to speak formally in public though I would fain grab my elder brother and shake him. "Thou hast wrought the doom of Doriath with thy greed!"
 
"Silence thy tongue, Elmye!" He used my birth-name to shock me, and I fell silent.
 
"If the Mortal returns, he returns," Elu continued, "and if not...he does not." His gaze hardened. "But the Dark Lord is not the only one to guard his jewels well," he added, as Luthien departed. "She will be kept in the branches of Neldor until I say otherwise. Make it ready to hold her, and see that Luthien does not flee."
 
I would do as my brother and king commanded, little though I liked it...but I could not see that this would end well, for any of us.

---

Chapter End Notes

"Elmye" is the name Emma and I gave Elmo, which he later changed.

"Neldor" is the three-trunked beech later known as "Hirilorn" - a mistake I made in my original writing was not realizing the name change took place *after* Luthien's imprisonment. The Forest of Neldoreth was named for it.

Interlude in the Poppy Garden

The next few chapters are a sequel to "The Steward's Tale" but shift POV away from Elmo. These are co-written between Emma and myself. The tale of Beren and Luthien continues in Doriath...I3 - Acceptance and Change.

Read Interlude in the Poppy Garden

When Elmo had gone, Elu and Melian left by another door, leaving the throne room deserted. Well - nearly deserted. It seemed everyone had forgotten Lord Galadhon.

 

He stood quietly at the back of the room, deep in thought. What was it his royal uncle had wrought by laying such a heavy charge on the Mortal? The young Man could not possibly fulfill such a task alone. Yet, he was brave-hearted and unselfish, and Galadhon found himself hoping that Beren could win his uncle's favour.

 

That would be no easy task.

 

Still deep in thought, the heir of Elmo departed the throne room himself, not bothering to follow his father. He needed time to think - time to consider what could be done for Lúthien. He found himself wandering through Menegroth's halls, and Galadhon ended up outside the gate of Lúthien's favoured garden, awash with poppies and niphredil. The gate was ajar; he opened it wider and glided in.

 

Lúthien.

 

He had expected she would flee here. Galadhon crossed the garden to his cousin, and enfolded her in his embrace. Soon enough, his father would come to fetch her, but for now, he would do what he could. "I am here, Lúthien. I promise."

 

Lúthien looked into Galadhon's eyes, her own brimming with tears. "It is not good enough, cousin," she said quietly. "It will not be good enough. Nothing is ever good enough for Adar. He has completely rejected Beren, and now he has sent him off on this...this mission to die, to be rid of him. I cannot let this happen. He wishes to lock me up like a pretty bird in a cage, Galadhon. For what crime? Loving the son of Barahir? Adar is a hypocrite - look at him and Naneth! This is not right. Nothing about this is fair."

 

Galadhon knew. Of course, he knew. Everyone but Elu knew, he thought. "It is not fair," he agreed quietly. "You are not alone, Lúthien. Nobody can hear this and think it is fair."

 

"And yet everyone will allow it, because Adar is the King and he must be obeyed," Lúthien said bitterly. "Such a place as Adar wishes must be built by Naneth. No one else could do it." She bowed her head. "And she will do it, because Adar commands it. A Maia, commanded by one of the Edhil. I hope Adar is pleased with himself, for she is as far above him as he sets me above my Beren."

 

There was nothing Galadhon could say to that. "You will do Beren no favours by disobeying the King now," he said instead, quietly.

 

"I hope Beren has the sense to go to Nargothrond, then," Lúthien said quietly. "Until Adar comes to his senses, Doriath is closed to him, and only Finrod would offer him aid." She knew Finrod would, too, and their Noldo cousin, best of the Lechenn, she thought, was the only one outside Doriath powerful enough to aid him. "Very well, cousin. I will play the part of the dutiful daughter. But if my heart tells me Beren needs my aid, I will find a way."

 

"Yes, you will," Galadhon agreed. "And I say again, cousin. You are not alone. You will not be alone."

 

"Thank you," Lúthien said quietly, giving Galadhon a tremulous smile. She felt alone, but her cousin's attempt at reassurance heartened her a little. "I appreciate that. Will you stay with me, cousin, until...?" She trailed off, unsure what to say. She had no idea just how her father intended to lock her up in the tree, though she expected he, or his guards, had no intention of being rough with her. She was the princess after all.

 

"Of course. No doubt I will be expected to ride in the entourage when..." Galadhon couldn't finish his sentence either. "Well. I will stay with you."

 

Lúthien nodded. "Thank you, Galadhon. I appreciate it." She nestled into her cousin's strong embrace, glad to feel his arms around her, as he held her in silence. She only stirred when footsteps sounded outside the gate and looked round.

 

Melian. And Elmo. So, it was time. Lúthien dropped her gaze, feeling a stab of betrayal as she beheld Melian standing there. The guards standing behind the Steward and the Queen didn't help matters.

 

Galadhon drew back from Lúthien, and looked wordlessly at his father and aunt  just as Elu appeared. The King cleared his throat meaningfully, and Lúthien raised her head to look at her father. "Adar..."

 

"Come," Elu said quietly, not - quite - looking at his daughter. Lúthien sighed, and pressed close to Galadhon's side as they obeyed. Galadhon's hand rested on her back, a comforting presence, as she moved ever closer toward her doom.

 

Forward to Neldor

Chapter three of "The Steward's Tale", Celepharn and Neldiel are Celeborn's cousin and his wife, mine and Emma's OCs. I2 - Laws

Read Forward to Neldor

Slowly, the elves made their way through the labyrinthine passages of Menegroth. They knew them intimately, of course, and would not become lost, though intruders certainly would, Lúthien thought. She would have almost welcomed an invasion at that moment to distract her parents from this...this atrocity. They made their way from Elu's halls outside, and toward the Esgalduin. Oh, Esgalduin, please, run high, rush swiftly, anything to stop my father from his course, she thought. But the river did not oblige; in fact, its ford was almost ridiculously low. Lúthien doubted she'd so much as wet her skirt hems crossing to the other side. Naneth's doing, she told herself.

 

They crossed the nearly dry river, and the Esgalduin seemed to refill itself once the Elves were across, apparently confirming Lúthien's assumption. It did not take long, after that, for them to reach Neldor, and the rest of the family began arriving from various mansions and manors, as well.

 

 Galadhon's gaze swept silently over his family as they gathered. It was clear that none of them knew why they had been summoned, though at least some of them looked grave, others worried. His niece-by-marriage, Lady Neldiel, who had always been closest to Lúthien, looked pleased to see the Princess, though her expression soon changed to one of doubt.

 

Elu made no move to explain. Instead he looked to Elmo, who stepped forward a pace. "It is the will of our King that Neldor be fitted with a secure house, for the keeping of a particular...prisoner, who has defied him." He faltered, and Lúthien exerted all her will not to cry, faint, scream or try to slap her father, much as she would like to do any or all those things. I will be an obedient daughter...for now, she reminded herself. Besides, Neldiel is watching.

 

Galadhon still had his hand on Lúthien’s back. He wasn't holding her up - she was strong, she didn't need that; but she did need to know she was supported.

 

Lúthien felt grateful for the support. She needed it. No one had said anything to her uncle's pronouncement, but as Melian stepped forward to face Neldor, and sent forth her power, Lúthien looked up.

 

Supplies had been brought, and Lúthien watched with trepidation as the wood planks fitted themselves together, forming first a sturdy platform with a railing round it, then four walls and a roof over all. There were windows and doors, but the Princess didn't think for a moment they'd be passable unless Melian willed it so. At least for now.

 

The process seemed to take hours to Lúthien, but in reality, it was no more than twenty minutes before the house was ready. Lúthien had been watching it be put together, and shut out the crowd of family from her mind. Now, however, she looked round to see what they were doing - particularly Neldiel.

 

Neldiel was standing at Celepharn's side, and like everyone else her eyes were fixed on the house. Her head was slightly tilted though, her eyes narrowed in suspicion.

 

"Daeradar didn't say who Uncle Elu wished to imprison," Celepharn murmured in Neldiel's ear.

 

 "As long as it's not me," Neldiel murmured back.

 

"Have you done anything to defy him lately, minx?" Celepharn replied, for Neldiel's ears alone.

 

"Well, probably," Neldiel said. Nothing that would warrant being imprisoned in a treehouse, though.

 

 Celepharn rolled his eyes. Of course.

"Call forth the prisoner, my queen," Elu said, his eyes on Melian. "It is time for her to be remanded to the custody of Neldor."

 

"Come, hil-nin," Melian said, her own minor defiance against Elu. She did not care what the daughters of Elmo's House thought of that. "It is time."

 

Lúthien's resolve was shaken a little. 'My heir', she thought. Well and so, she was. And it did not mean that Melian approved of Beren or disapproved of Elu, she supposed. All it meant was that Melian still lay claim to her, thought of her as more than just 'the prisoner'. Swallowing, she stepped forward, her blue and green gown's hem rustling in the grass.

 

A ripple of shock ran through the gathered Elves, and an audible gasp came from Neldiel. "This cannot be true," Galadhon heard her insisting.

 

"Adar, Naneth," Oropher said quietly. "Why would he imprison Lúthien? That cannot be right."

 

Celepharn wished he had answers, either for his beloved or his heir.

The Princess' Speech

Luthien addresses her family, unwilling to take her imprisonment quietly - and Neldiel isn't about to take this quietly, either.

O2 - Etiquette

Read The Princess' Speech

Neldiel stared at Lúthien, and she saw in Lúthien’s face that it was true. "No," she said quietly, shifting her gaze to the King himself.

 

Elu felt Neldiel's regard on him, and turned to look at his foster-granddaughter for a moment before turning back to his now kneeling daughter. "For leading one of the Firiath into Our lands without permission, and for daring to defy Our authority, We confine thee to the hold of Neldor until the order is rescinded. Until then, think on thy place and remember who and what thou'rt."

 

Lúthien knew she wasn't expected to respond. She stayed silent and still, kneeling at Elu's feet, feeling all the family's eyes on her. As Elu publicly condemned her for allowing a Mortal within Menegroth - not just any Mortal, she fumed, but a good and noble Man - her cheeks flushed red.

 

Neldiel shook her head in disbelief, and it was clear to all who knew her that she was struggling to keep her temper. There was something the King wasn't saying. Lúthien wouldn't have allowed just any Mortal into Menegroth. There had to be more to it.

 

"Rise," Elu said, eyes fixed on Lúthien, "and go to your place."

 

"I would beg a boon of thee, aran veleg lin, though I know I have no right to ask it," Lúthien said quietly, as she rose to her feet. "Let me speak to our family before I am shut away, and confess my deed to them, lest they plague you or Lord Daeron for answers."

 

"Speak then," Elu said after a moment.

 

Lúthien gave Elu a proper curtsey before turning to the assembled Elves. "I confess that I did, with intent and forethought, lead the mortal Beren son of Barahir into the halls of Menegroth and the royal presence without warning or permission. Beren is a prince of his people; his father was an ally of Cousin Finrod. How he passed into Doriath I know not. I was dancing to Lord Daeron's music as is my practice, when Beren came upon us. When he beheld me dancing amongst the trees, he declared his love for me at once. I felt it for him, as well, as though he were no Mortal but an Elf." She could hear the elves stirring and murmuring amongst themselves, though she paid no attention to the words being spoken.

 

"So, it is for love that I am doomed, and it is for love that even now Beren son of Barahir, prince of the Firiath and Lord of Ladros, makes his way toward the Dark Hunter's lands to take the jewel my father has demanded as my bride price. Until Beren returns I must remain here under guard, by our king's decree."

 

Galadhon very carefully kept his thoughts and feelings to himself, and he looked out over the gathered elves. Naturally, his gaze went first to his wife, and what he saw didn't surprise him; Baraves had, briefly, looked startled, but she had hidden it well with a stoic mask. For her, Elu's word was law, whether it was right or wrong.

 

He looked then to Brandir. Lúthien’s adopted brother had paled, and though Brandir was wise enough to hold his silence, he wasn't quite as adept as Baraves at hiding his shock. Perhaps he did not care to. Perhaps he wanted Elu to know how he felt.

 

The youngest of the gathered elves - Nimloth and Amdir, Oropher and Vehiron - were looking to each other as they tried to make sense of what was happening. None of them understood what they were witnessing.

 

And as for Galadhon's son, and his niece and nephew...they were the ones in the middle. Old enough to understand, young enough to be horrified. He could trust Galathil and Celepharn to be silent, but Neldiel...she was already shaking with rage.

 

Gwathion and Tatharien felt quite as shocked as their son and daughter-in-law, though they hid it better. Tatharien would have dearly loved to embrace Lúthien and hold her protectively, but, she reminded herself, that was foolish. Lúthien was older than Tatharien herself, for the sake of the Belain. Yet pity stirred in Tatharien's heart all the same.

 

Lúthien, for her part, saw the varying expressions on her family's faces, from her uncle and aunt to her youngest cousins'. She turned away, head bowed, and began walking toward the ladder which had been placed against the tree.

 

Neldiel's eyes, hard and devoid of their usual twinkle, lingered on Lúthien’s back, and then she shook her head. "I will not stay and watch this," she declared, turning her back on the scene and beginning to walk away.

 

The (In)Justice of the King

Nimloth and Neldiel share their anger at Luthien's plight - but Elu isn't having any of it.

Read The (In)Justice of the King

Nimloth followed swiftly, her hand catching in Neldiel's. She looked into Neldiel's eyes anxiously. "Please stay," she said quietly.

 

"I will not," Neldiel repeated.

 

"Stay for your sons, if not for me," Nimloth said quietly. "They need you, too. We do not understand."

 

"I will speak with my sons later," Neldiel said after a moment, taking her hand back from Nimloth. "But I will not stay. Not for this.”

 

"That is your right, of course," Nimloth said quietly. "I will remain with Adar and Naneth, then, where the King can see in my eyes that I disapprove, where he will understand that I have not turned my back on Princess Lúthien. I will remain for her." Dipping a curtsey to Neldiel, she returned to stand between Galathil and Aglarwen, slipping her hand into her brother's.

 

Amdir squeezed Nimloth's hand lightly, feeling quite as distraught as she did, and both young elves turned defiant looks on Aran Elu, though he ignored them.

 

Anger sparked in Neldiel's eyes. How dare Nimloth act so very superior, and intimate that she was doing the better thing for Luthien. Neldiel had no inclination to waste her anger on Nimloth, so she turned to leave, but the King's guards were blocking her way.

 

"With respect, my lady," Captain Mablung said firmly, "it is best you follow Lady Nimloth's example. Whether you think our King's decree is just or not, we have been commanded not to let anyone pass until Aran Elu is ready to return."

 

Ordinarily, Neldiel might have charmed or flirted her way past a guard, but she was in no mood to even attempt a smile. "I am ready to return now," she said instead.

 

"I have my orders, Lady Neldiel, and you have yours," Mablung said tersely.

 

"Orders that I cannot, in good conscience, obey," Neldiel replied.

 

"I understand, my lady. But it is my duty to see you do obey," Mablung replied. He wasn't entirely unsympathetic to Neldiel's plight; he'd been just as upset at the thought of Lúthien imprisoned, and not much shocked him. That had. Still, orders were orders.

 

"Then I am sorry, Captain, but you will have to do your duty," Neldiel said, and she stepped past Mablung.

 

Mablung grasped Neldiel firmly by the arm, and marched her back through the group of Elves to stand before Elu and Melian. Lúthien had been slowly climbing up the ladder toward her new-made prison, and was nearly to the top.

 

Elu's gaze fell on Neldiel and Mablung. "What is this, Neldiel?" he demanded. "You would dare disobey me with this example before you?"

 

"Clearly," Neldiel said coldly.

 

"If you persist, We will be forced to lock the four of you up as dissenters," Elu said, equally as coldly. His gaze took in Celepharn, Oropher and Vehiron as well. "We will not stand for this."

 

"The four of us? But they didn't..." Neldiel stopped, and the corner of her mouth lifted in a contemptuous smile. If the only way that Elu could control her was by threatening her, making her fear for those she loved more than herself...well. She had experienced that before, from other ellyn.

 

"Very well. But in this, neither you nor the Queen have my loyalty," she said, her eyes on the King. "Princess Luthien does. Captain Mablung, release me."

 

 Mablung looked to Elu, who gave him a brief nod. He let Neldiel go.

 

Neldiel took a moment to smooth her skirt and straighter her sleeve where Mablung had gripped her arm, and then she returned to her family. She stood wordlessly next to Celepharn, staring straight ahead with clenched fists.

 

Celepharn took Neldiel's clenched fist in his hand, stroking the back of her fingers with his thumb. He looked at her, not at Elu or Melian. Above them, the door of the house in Neldor's crown opened, Luthien passed through wordlessly, and it shut behind her. With a wordless gesture, Elu indicated the ladder should be removed. Melian did so, and Mablung took his place beneath the tree to begin his watch.

 

Elmo stepped forward, his heart heavy and his voice showing a slight tremor, though he tried to keep it steady. "The justice of the King is done. Let all depart in peace."

 

Some left right away. Baraves was one of them, at Galadhon's side. Others left more slowly, with lingering glances up at the house in the tree. Neldiel stayed right where she was, unmoving.

 

Celepharn looked at Oropher and Vehiron. "Go, hil-nin, ion-nin," he said quietly. "Your naneth and I will come soon." He was gratified that they obeyed him, at least. Before long, they were the only ones left.

Thoughts of Kings

Celepharn and Neldiel consider the Mortal Beren, and where his path may take him.

Read Thoughts of Kings

It was just as well that nobody had tried ordering Neldiel to leave; she'd have been just as stubborn about leaving as she had been about staying. She stayed silent, her hand still in Celepharn's. She had allowed him to unclench her fist, before, and he had made sure that Elu saw him entwine his fingers with hers. It had been a silent show of solidarity that nobody could have missed.

 

Celepharn tugged lightly on Neldiel's hand, drawing her toward the great three-trunked beech, rather than away. Mablung still stood at its foot - he and the other guards Elu had tasked with guarding the tree were the only Elves yet remaining. But he did naught to hinder Celepharn from looking.

 

"I can't believe he would do this," Neldiel whispered. She laughed humourlessly then, and shook her head. "Actually, I can."

 

Celepharn sighed. "So can I," he admitted. "Uncle Elu loves Lúthien, I know that," he said quietly. "But this...I think it has frightened him."

 

"He has sent the Mortal to die," Neldiel said.

 

"Likely he believes the Mortal will just return to his own people, rather than dare the land of the Dark Hunter," Celepharn said drily. "But if this Man is Lord of Ladros, in Dorthonion, he has already dared terrors far greater than many of us know here in our seclusion, just to reach it. He has already passed within striking distance of that one's servants. No, I do not believe this Beren son of Barahir to be a feckless and lovelorn child." He shook his head.

 

"If he has the sense Lúthien has credited him, he will seek Prince Finrod in Nargothrond, and ask his help. For as Celeborn has told me, cousin Finrod may be prince of the Lechenn, but he is the best of them. He owes Barahir his life, moreover. He will aid Beren - and if anyone can fight the Dark Hunter, it is the grandson of Finwë. I have faith that Beren will return, and Lúthien will be freed."

 

 "She should never have been put up there in the first place," Neldiel fumed. "The King has made a mistake. How can he possibly think that this is forgivable?"

 

"I believe he thinks he is protecting Lúthien by locking her away," Celepharn said quietly. "I do not think he is right, and I do not think it was right of him to do so. But I do not believe Uncle Elu had malicious intent. He is frightened of losing Lúthien - no Elf has wed one of the Firiath before. It is quite unheard of, and when Beren dies, as he someday will - if Lúthien has bonded herself to him, what then?"

 

"It is Luthien's choice," Neldiel retorted, as she walked away from the tree with Celepharn, back to where they had left their horses. "She's not a child, but she might as well be, the way he treated her. He humiliated her, in front of all her family. And for what? Why did we need to see that? He could have done it quietly, and achieved the same thing."

 

"I do not know," Celepharn admitted. "That troubles me as well."