Flawed, yet Precious by Khaosity

They have called me Cruel. Abhorred. The Deceiver. Once, in a time that seems almost beyond memory, I was named Admirable; and I have clung to that, even if I myself have sometimes found it hard to believe.

Evil, they say I am, and that all my actions have only ever been self-serving. Yet they seem to have forgotten that for long Ages of the world, I served another, of my own free will or no, and someone else before him. They also say evil cannot love. If that is accurate, I cannot be of it, for I have loved, and truly. The first man I loved raped and enslaved me, the second betrayed me, howbeit I suppose one could say that I betrayed him; and though I have had dalliances with others, both male and female, I have never been able to put my heart into another's hands again.

I have heard that in other worlds, I have begotten children.
In one, my son is the Weapon of the Gods, and I could not be more proud of him. My actions towards him are somewhat dubious, I must admit, although I am sure I had a good reason for my treatment of him.
In a different world, I married and fathered a daughter who is a credit to her mother's House. Of her, I am also extremely proud; and I appear to have lived up to my name rather more there.
The numerous Sárindilli* I am said to have sired are not of my get, nor that of any being within Eä. Wherever they come from, they are a menace that is even beyond the control of the One, and the less that is spoken of them, the better.
In this world, however, I have no offspring. When should I have engendered any? During Melkor's rule, to see a child of mine become a slave and plaything, as I was? While I travelled among Men, and later ruled over them, to mayhap have to watch my flesh and blood succumb to the Gift? In Eregion, where I had committed my heart, soul, and body to Tyelperinquar, even if my mind strayed to other tasks? Later, after Númenor, and especially my defeat at the end of the Second Age, I no longer had the ability.
As a somewhat relevant aside, should you suffer from the delusion that Melyanna was the only one of my kindred to procreate, you do not know just how wrong you are... but that is another matter.

There are other things concerning the history of Arda you have been misinformed on; most notably, of course, the time before the so-called "First Age of the Sun". Tell me, if the only light came from the Two Trees of Valinor, how is it that anything grew or even lived elsewhere? Oh, and if the Valar were completely benign and saintly, and Melkor only sought destruction from the first, why did any of us follow him? His later actions were certainly despicable, to put it very mildly, and I who had loved him swiftly grew to regret leaving Aulë's service, but at the beginning... Ah, but there is no use in weeping over spoiled milk, as they say.

You would like to know how it was then? To gain an understanding of how I came to be this way? I shall have to tell you all of my existence. Be aware that I have tortured and killed without qualm, that I have ripped out the hearts of children and felt no guilt. And still you wish to learn? Then let us start with the Creation of Eä...

Chapter End Notes

*Plural of Sárindil = "bitter lily". Literal translation of the name "Mary Sue". (Sorry, couldn't help myself...)

The son and daughter referred to are Spiced Wine's Vanimórë (who only belongs to her until he decides to become real and accept my marriage proposal ;D) and Pandë's Mélamírë, respectively, and are used with permission.

Thanks for reading, I hope I'll be able to update soon! :)

Ah, the Great Music...

Actually, that is a misnomer, for we did not so much sing as enact our being before Eru. If the only way your puerile mind can comprehend what we did is to imagine us as musicians, so be it.

Ainur, "Holy Ones", was the name the Children gave us. This both amuses and disturbs me, for is holiness not often equated with purity and virtue? I am not even speaking of Melkor, nor of his servants including myself, when I say that I am unsettled by this nomenclature. The One Himself is imperfect, so how can any of His creations be otherwise? Ponder this question, should you feel the urge to find excuses for the actions of the Valar. But I seem to have gotten ahead of myself...

Eru set the boundaries within which we were to work, and we contributed those parts of our truest natures that we felt necessary for this endeavor. You may wonder what I added to Eä, and might be surprised to find that I bethought myself of the beauty of gemstones and metals, their cold gleam that has yet brought warmth to the hearts and minds of many.

When Melkor began to bring in elements wholly of his own devising, not officially sanctioned by the One, many started to attune their natures to his disturbance. As you may have heard, I was not one of those, for such chaotic tumult was despicable to me. I must confess that I faltered a little, wondering why one I – all of us – had held in high regard felt the need to disarray our task so. 

At that point began the so-called "Second Theme" – it would take far too long to try to explain what really occurred in concepts simple enough for you. Again, Melkor disrupted it. Following came the final attempt, by which time I had long ceased to participate and turned my attention to merely watch what was unfolding. I "saw" and "felt" how Melkor's strongest efforts were taken into Eru's weavings and made part of them, no matter what he might try. Good, I had thought that – harmony from disharmony, this was power made manifest.

Then the One sent out what might be termed something like a shockwave, only much, much stronger and more complex – and everything became still.

You may wonder at my use of terms used to describe the passage of time, events unfolding in sequence, when I am speaking of what occurred in the Timeless Halls... How else can I recount these things? Before we entered Eä, and indeed Arda itself, there was no spoken language, making it a creation conceived in Time, and therefore unsuited to convey what was before. What is happening even at this moment. What is yet to be. Do you now begin to understand the complexity? And even so, those statements are completely false, as the Ainur who entered Time cannot also be beyond it.

· · · ——— · · ·

At least the next part of the Ainulindalë is mostly accurate – Eru both praised Melkor and chastised him, saying that no matter what any of us should do, it would only be part of the "greater glory"...

If the One wanted Melkor to "mar" the Work, I thought, then why does He nevertheless rebuke him?

My doubts begun then. Is one evil who does only what was expected? Why would Eru want such discord?

I also, to this day, dislike – even confess to being frightened by – the idea that no matter what I do, it will always have been part of the Plan. That everything is preordained and there is no true choice. In that case, I cannot see how I still have any moral responsibility for my supposedly "evil" actions. Of course, back then I did not comprehend Eru's statement the way I do now.

When the One showed us what our efforts had wrought, I was awed, even more so when I recognised my own additions, and how they played in with those of others. Then the vision unfolded of those who would dwell there. The Children. Eru spoke to us of them, and that the Work had been for their sake. I wanted nothing more than to be with these new beings, so unlike my kindred, but all the more beautiful for it.

While the Ainulindalë also says that we saw many events unfolding in the vision, and from that know of things that are yet to come... Do you really believe that? Do many of the happenings in history not seem a little reactionary for beings who supposedly knew of them previously? That even Melkor would be so stupid as to act in ways he knew would only bring him banishment? On the other hand, it also says we were not shown everything, and there are the prophecies and the foresight all of us have at times... Perhaps we did see, and only remember subconsciously.

The One then called to us, and proclaimed that He knew our desire to see this, which had merely been illusion, become reality.

“Eä! Let these things Be!”*

It is said that Eru placed the Imperishable Flame at the heart of this new World. That is not true. He merely used it to give Being to the universe, but the greater part of the Flame is still with Him, utilised to bring novelties into existence – new fëar, for example. One fëaHe actually imbued with a piece of it... I am unsure as to whether it was ill-intentioned or not, leaning towards the second, but it turned out to be something of a mistake. Which fëa that was, you should be able to guess.

Some of the mightiest of us were given leave to immediately enter the World, on the condition their powers be irrevocably tied to it. You will know this from the Ainulindalë, and that these were most of the Valar. The same constraint was placed on the rest of us, should we too wish to descend at some point.

Melkor was also one of those who were in Eä from the beginning, and next I shall tell you what I witnessed of the first strife between him and his peers.

Chapter End Notes

* Direct quote from Ainulindalë

Thanks to Spiced Wine for looking at the chapter and telling me she liked it!