The Last Words by Rhapsody

It is over, Nerdanel thought to herself as she descended the stairs into the square, enveloped in a haze that she could not yet define. Her high king had spoken, banishment was his, and strangely enough, she felt liberated, if not relieved. Nights of long quarrels, a touch so alien, or a face that sometimes showed up just before Laurelin would wane. When did she become a stranger to him? Would it matter? To the courts, it would matter, to her sons and family, it would matter. She walked on.

There was one thing still she had to do, one final task to complete, before she could have closure. Knowing that her husband would still be talking to her father-in-law, Nerdanel took this opportunity, this one chance to confront the ones who had stolen her husband from her. She hesitated slightly then hurried her footsteps once she sensed that someone followed her. She calmed as she realized that the footfalls behind her sounded familiar, then two hands sought her. Appearing next to her, her youngest sons gave her anxious, uneasy smiles.

“Take me to them,” Nerdanel gently ordered her two most beloved children.

“Amil, Atar would not…” Umbarto started, but fell silent once her gaze bore down upon him.

“Take me to them. I shall not linger, nor shall I touch them.” Her voice was pleading. He gazed at her uncertainly, and then glanced at his brother seeking acquiescence, however, the sound of her voice as she spoke her next words caused him to immediately honour her desire. “Ambarussa, please.” She softly added but with urgency.

After but a moment of hesitation, they escorted her away from prying eyes, ignoring the worried glances of their people, the hushed words of either mockery or concern now that the news slowly spread among the masses. As usual, she felt the safest with her two youngest, a feeling she could never fully explain, for all her sons had grown mighty in strength and stature. Perhaps it was that, of all her children, these twins were most akin to her in body and mind.

As much as she had enjoyed giving birth to the other five, these last two she was willing to conceive with him gave her the opportunity to do better than she had done with the others. There was not a day that passed where she saw the evidence in front of her, knowing that she had not poured enough of herself into them. She knew that this trust and love, temperance and patience, the silent strength and modesty they possessed was returned to her tenfold, for it was certain that none of her other sons would have taken her to see the mistresses.

As the trio hurried through the halls, Nerdanel's sons did not know of her thoughts and emotions, running swift and deep, as they battled between fear and the need to be released from this burden. She would hold her tongue; rein in these feelings until she stood alone with the temptresses.

The Ambarussa spoke naught as they led her into a solitary building, heavily guarded with Fëanáro’s finest and, even though she could see the hesitation on their faces, none objected to her entering her husband’s treasury. Her gallant sons walked beside her, their faces fell and fey, their gaits strong and determined. Her heart swelled with pride to gaze upon them.

At this moment, in the company of such strength, the anger within overpowered her fear of the uncertain times to come. She would deal how she would then; this would be no different than the years past. Nevertheless, here and now, she would face this nemesis and gain release. Her sons suddenly turned left and then halted abruptly at a heavy door made of metal.

She snorted in disgust. “It is so typical of you, Fëanáro, to throw up walls of iron around that which you love the most,” Nerdanel mused. Without turning to her escort she said, “Please, open the door for me.”

There was a pause then, “Amil, we shall but we will go with you, for Atar would have only allowed it thusly,” Umbarto spoke firmly.

Nerdanel sighed, “I have know your father for many years now, young one. Surely he trusts me enough to be alone with them?”

The twins exchange a glance before they rested their eyes on her in unison.

“I know him best, my sons.”

They silently stepped aside, offering entrance to the room of which she had been barred since the very day it was built. That, in and of itself, was the first phase of the battle. A fight she so fiercely fought to keep him. Throughout the whole of their incessant crossing of words, she had known all along where they were harboured. However, she never felt inclined to seek them out, always having felt stronger and more wanted. Her lip curled slightly into a sneer at the thought. She turned to look over her shoulder as one of her sons pulled the door closed behind her, a look of solemnity and great sadness clouding his features.

Once alone, Nerdanel unclasped her cloak and let it fall from her shoulders where it pooled gently at her feet. As she strode forwards, she suddenly halted and turned around, willingly choosing to lock the door first. This was not the moment to be interrupted. Not while she finally absolved herself of all that she had kept so long within, to the nemesis who, in the end, had destroyed her marriage. She closed her eyes at first, gathering all her courage and turned around slowly and with purpose. In this complete silence, she drew a hand forward hesitantly, then raised it resolutely in an upward motion, as if she wanted to lash out, but stayed her hand at the last moment, considering how foolish this might look. Her enraged mind found a moment of lucidity, and she thought: ‘who would be the witness? That box resting silently on the stand, or my conscience?’

All her life she held back. Through her limitless life she had shown grace and patience. Those surrounding her called her ‘Nerdanel the gentle’, ‘Nerdanel the wise’... She bowed her head in contemplation. Taking a breath, she slowly raised her head and gazed in scorn at the bane of her existence. For now, this image had to be cast aside, she thought and lifted both hands in the air to offer her surrender.

“It is over. He means nothing to me.” Nerdanel closed her eyes conceding to what she had held at bay for so long. No longer could she deny what he had done to her, and what he had forced upon her or their sons. Banishment! All cast away from here as if they had to be punished for stubborn behaviour. However, the worst part of this humility was that most of her sons took up the punishment as a challenge, and were just as stubborn and fey as their father. They merely defied the ruling with mocking glares. She inhaled deeply and exhaled raggedly. Once, the truth had seemed so tangible to her. What was once so blatant, now stood fiercely before her. The feeling of relief flooded her senses, as the burden she so long carried waned into oblivion. “I am free! It is done! He no longer holds a claim on my heart!” She stared at the pedestal, the box sitting mutely in its centre... It was so much more tempting now... She felt uncharacteristically giddy, like an untouched maiden revelling in her first kiss. “It feels so strange to say that I am gladdened to understand and see. Now I comprehend it in whole. It is all so clear now...so simple... After all that has transpired, my suffering, the heartbreak, the rending of my family... My affection for him now has shattered like fine crystal on a floor. All love...It is...simply...” She sighed. “...Gone.”

“Oh, it feels so wondrous!” Nerdanel laughed as she approached the pedestal, “Just the thought of no longer dealing with the fights, the war of words and emotions...” She moved closer. “Or to wait for a man who comes home so late every night, so tired and irritated about yet another project burdening him!” The rage controlled her so much now, that her voice cracked and she choked, forcing her to clutch her chest and catch her breath. Taking in several deep gulps of air, she forged on with her rantings.

“Nay! He is no longer of my concern. You may have it all and take hold of his heart as of this moment...” Her voice rose more shrilly than she had initially intended, but she was far past logical thought to care. “Did you hear me?! Are you listening?!”

Nerdanel moved closer to the bearer of her bane as memories washed over her. Had she not created these things? Had she not helped them, his mistresses, and most prized possessions, with claiming his heart? Her voice erupted with anger, “All those nights of idly waiting in that large bed. The waiting... The horror of lost hours waiting to hear his footfall on the stairs, or him opening the door. Would he come to see me or not? Nay! He is all yours, including his lies and evasions, his doubts, his craft, even his sex!” Her hands balled into tight fists as she focused all of her fear, emotion, and rage on the centre of the room. “Ah yes, he is all yours now, his romance, his moods, his tools, his foul mood and his seductions. His family, court politics, his position, or his extra work, his filthy clothing... all yours, all yours now!”

Her voice was a near scream as she paused and fought back tears upon hearing the upset voices of her twin sons calling out to her. She ignored their cries and turned to the pedestal, now mere paces away from her. “But our seven sons, our bliss before Morgoth came. Why did the Valar set him free? I still cannot phantom it.” She threw her hands up in question while she paced several yards from the pillared stand. “Our peace was gone. However, him visiting your forges, I remember clearly. I so remember our journeys and freedom, our explorations and love. One by one, our sons being born and growing up, their excited voices rolling down the hall and you jostling them as they crowed.” Feeling a blow of fresh pain stab at her heart, Nerdanel swallowed thickly, trying to force down the growing lump forming there.

“Now, your pride is reserved for just these three jewels, and I had to stand by helplessly to watch how your sons no longer held this station in your heart.” Her voice lowered to a normal level, and she continued. “Not only that, nay, there is more...Much, much more... I fought the feeling of rejection, knowing that my touch no longer makes you yearn for me. No more shall I suffer, Fëanáro! Your creations! They can have you completely. Your obsession has grown beyond comprehension for those who love you, but that is no longer my burden.” She raised a hand and pointed to the pedestal accusingly. “It is but of their concern and theirs alone. Even if you work deep into the night in your forge, completely absorbed in what you do, I would rather suffer this heartache than to deal with you and your issues!”

Speaking directly to the stand, she raged, “No! My husband is all yours now! Enough... Is... Enough.” She drew the words out slowly, one at a time concluding her emotional outpouring and knowing she was teetering on the brink of losing her sanity. Yet, she wanted all said and done, right here and now. First, she fixed her gaze at the iron door she had locked from within, taking note how her sons’ voices had drifted away. There was not much time left before her husband would come and step in between them. She must hurry this task! Envy washed over her and she quickly closed the distance to where the box sat. Patiently and in silence. It seemed to beckon her. Goading...

Hesitating at first, then swallowing her fear, she opened it and the brilliance of the three jewels enveloped her in a rainbow of shimmering light, sparkling faceted reflections in her face as they waxed and waned in their power. Seemingly as if she had awakened them, she spoke. “You have broken my heart, you three, and, even though I am not certain if you shall destroy or heal me, I shall do as I must.” Fighting down the temptation to feel enamoured by their dangerous beauty, Nerdanel continued and the glow of the jewels seemed to soothe her.

Her voice was soft now and, if the gems were actual beings, only they would hear her speak. It appeared to be so logical, to converse with them as if they could understand her. “It is not easy, you know. He will drain all of your energy, and you will need to hold on to your tact. At this moment, he just means everything to you, but know this: the feeling shall pass. And then...Oh may Nienna hear my words... Then, you will have to give all that you are to keep his love, and, in the blink of an eye, your allure will be gone. It will be a test. A test that I failed miserably, even after giving him seven sons and enduring all that I have. Is it so impossible to see that it is not easy with that man? Oh! I do hope that you shall fail!” She hissed these last words, her eyes tightly closed.

Suddenly Nerdanel opened her eyes and saw that she held the jewels within her hands. Where she had expected pain and harm, as a backlash for touching them, these jewels - his mistresses - seemed to heal the hurt that shortly ere had been rending her heart. The sensation became almost too much, beguiling her, making her feel young and loved again. Nerdanel found herself gazing directly at the jewels: her mind and heart now open, realising the betrayal in its full power.

“Why am I saying all of this? Perhaps, because I want him back? Not in ten ages! No!” Her voice rose, and then fell ever so softly “Never. I do not want him any longer and, well...” She sighed deeply as she continued to caressed her enemies. “...You claimed his heart. Now, I let you take care of him. Do it! Although, I do not think you shall succeed, perhaps for now, but his attention strays so easily.” Her tears fell upon the gems, and in return, they soaked them up greedily as a wilting plant would a deluge, as if she silently poured out the last of liquid emotion, leaving her shoulders gently shaking. “Even though he is such a fine man, so rare a find...And he loved me so.” She murmured to the dazzling creations as the finality of her words and actions sank in. Logic and graciousness slowly began to creep back within her soul and, somewhere near to her; Nerdanel knew her father was there or at least close. Still, the light of the jewels made it hard to let go; yet, she managed to place them back in their silk-padded nest carefully and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.

“It was just like when I was young and I gave a precious toy to another child. You want it so much, so much that you stole my husband away from me. Yes, you may claim that it just happened. However, I no longer care. You can have him, because he no longer belongs to me. I wish you great luck...” Her voice trailed off, her shoulders slumped, wishing to be done with it all. However, one thought still nagged at the back of her mind. One more... She looked down at the open box, her features passive and emotionless. With both hands resting on either side of the box, the coolness of the carved marble sent chills up her arms, she bent her head low over the still glowing stones. She reached for the edge of the lid raising it over them as she said, “Still there is one thing I desire to speak...” Nerdanel dropped the cover in a hurry and halted her words as she felt strong arms wrap around her waist. With great strength, someone pulled her away from her husband’s jewels.

“Please, I beg of you! No matter the outcome! Do not destroy him!” She managed to hoarsely whisper her parting words to the now closed box, as she was lifted from her feet, her cloak draped over her.

“Nerdanel, my daughter...” A soft but strong masculine voice turned her attention. A free hand tucked the cloak about her shoulders. Nerdanel looked up and met her father’s steady but worried gaze, as he held her in his arms like a babe. “Have you lost your mind, child?”

Nerdanel sighed and shivered, for now the truth could fully be told. “Nay. I only lost him to them.”

“Nerdanel,” Mahtan replied as gently as he could, and saw how the twins and their father had appeared in the doorway. “These are just jewels, daughter! Not living beings! His heart still belongs to you.” He pleaded while drawing her away from the centre of the room.

“That is what you think,” Nerdanel answered quietly, laying her head against her father's shoulder and allowed him to carry her away from here.

Finally, it was finished.

Chapter End Notes

Thousand of thanks go out to Wenont, who so patiently worked with me on this piece and betad it for me. She helped me immensely with polishing, providing me with guidance and offering me great alternatives.

This story came into being when I was writing my novel, work title Bard Rising, where Maglor remembered that his mother and father had a quarrel before they went to Formenos, being banned from court. I decided not to elaborate on it in the novel, but marked it as a side story. This first and final meeting of Nerdanel and the three jewels is a fine result of it.

This story came into being when I was writing my NaNoWriMo novel, work title Bard Rising, where Maglor remembered that his mother and father had a quarrel before they went to Formenos, being banned from court. I decided not to elaborate on it in the novel, but marked it as a side story. Writing this novel felt as a journey, having never done the NaNoWriMo before, it was so tempting to weave in this memory in the story. Afterwards, I am glad I ignored my muse and gave it a story of its own. For long have I pondered on Nerdanel’s hardship and despite that she must have known the consequences of being married to a smith and the irregularities in work hours. To me it must have felt like sheer agony to see your husband being ensnared to his own work. The Silmarillion says that:

For Fëanor began to love the Silmarils with a greedy love, and grudged the sight of them to all save to his father and his seven sons; he seldom remembered now that the light within them was not his own.
Chapter 7: Of the Silmarils and the Unrest of the Noldor

With the piece, I tried to bring across how Nerdanel reacted to this fight for her husband’s heart, sharing the love of her husband with these jewels and in the end the two of them became estranged. This first and final meeting of Nerdanel and the three jewels and the rivalry between them is the result of it. The novel Bard Rising is however still awaiting further editing.

Another source of inspiration has been the Dutch playwrights Harry Bannink & Annie MG Schmidtwho together wrote 'Het is Over' for the play 'Heerlijk Duurt het Langst'.