Maeglin's Choice by chrissystriped

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Chapter Four

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“We abandon the city”, Turgon said and Maeglin felt a burden fall off his shoulders.

He heard Rog breathe a sigh of relief. It wasn’t over, they weren’t safe, yet, but at least Turgon had made the right decision. His eyes strayed to Idril who stood beside her father. She would not die in this city. And he would protect her on the road, as well as he could from afar.

Suddenly Idril’s eyes met his and before Maeglin could turn away she smiled at him. Maeglin’s cheeks burned, his heart started to race. She hadn’t smiled at him since he’d told her of his feelings, had barely looked at him... But it meant nothing. She likley just was as relieved as him that Turgon had decided as he had.

They had bought some time for themselves and maybe it would give the scattered Noldor hope, when the Hidden King, who after Fingon’s death was High King of the Noldor, came out into the open – undefeated. Maeglin barely heard what the lords were discussing. There was so much to organise, it wasn’t a small thing to send a whole people and their belongings on a journey, but he was too relieved to concentrate on that now.

He had done the right thing. He had laid bare his transgression and by that saved the people, if not the city. Turgon had listened to him. Turgon had forgiven him. And Rog... Maeglin looked at his new friend and smiled. Maybe the world wasn’t as cold and dark as he had thought.Maeglin checked himself and listened to what was said. He was a Lord, too, he owed it to his people, who would lose their home, to be well prepared. They knew they had to hurry, the further they were away from the city when Morgoth noticed they had run, the better, so they decided to take only three days for planning and preparations. 

 

“Maeglin, can I talk to you for a moment?”

Maeglin tensed when he heard the voice. Her voice. She had only spoken to him if it was absolutely necessary for so long and now she was coming to him! He gulped, his mouth suddenly felt dry, and turned around to her. She stood in the door of the palace he had left in the break Turgon had allowed them. He needed some air.

They’d been planning for hours and Maeglin’s head hurt. Now his head felt light because Idril was so close to him. He desperately tried to think of something intelligent to say to her, but all his thoughts had fled his mind.

“Idril”, he croaked and felt a blush creep up his neck. Idril smiled at him and Maeglin had to force himself to not reach out for her.

They were alone, no one in sight, that hadn’t happened since he’d confessed his feelings to her.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry for what happened to you. I know that you stayed away from the city because you didn’t want to meet me after...”

“It wasn’t your fault”, Maeglin hurried to say, although she wasn’t exactly wrong. But he could never blame her for it. “I’m just glad that I won’t have the whole city on my conscience.” ‘I’m relieved that your life isn’t in danger anymore.’

“It was very brave of you to tell the truth”, she said and Maeglin felt a wave of happiness crash over him because she thought like that.

“You think so? You don’t think like... like Ecthelion?” And he didn’t know how many others.

Idril shook her head decisively. “You have your faults, Maeglin, but you aren’t a traitor.”

“Thank you for saying that.” Maeglin took a deep breath. “I know I didn’t treat you always right, but...”

He fell silent because he didn’t know how to continue. To remind her of his feelings would only chase her away, he was sure about that, and he didn’t want her to leave.

“Let’s be friends”, Idril said. “I know you don’t like Tuor, but we should stick together in these times and you are my cousin. I never wanted it to be so... complicated between us.”

‘You made it complicated’, was what Maeglin heard and he almost turned away in defeat, but she’d also said ‘Let’s be friends’.

He gulped. Could he spend time with her, knowing she’d only ever see a relative in him? Yes, he didn’t like Tuor. How could he, when he’d killed all hope that Idril could ever see something more in him?

“I’m sorry that you felt... harassed by me”, he answered. He’d never wanted that. He longed to touch her soul with his but he stopped himself, she surely wouldn’t want that. “I... can’t promise you that I will ever feel differently from how I feel about you now, but... but I know that I’ve lost. I’ll be your cousin, your friend, and nothing else.”

Idril looked a little nervous, but her voice was gentle, when she said: “You’ll find someone who can return your love as you deserve. I want this for you, Maeglin. I like you, but I never loved you like that and I would never have. Do you understand that?”

“I will try to understand”, Maeglin answered.

It still hurt that she kept him at armth length, that he’d never be as close to her as this mortal, but he would accept it. He’d learned that in Angband. He would have done anything to be allowed to love her, but he didn’t want it against her will. He’d accept that she didn’t love him and never would. Maeglin swallowed his tears.

“We should go back inside”, he said. “There’s still a lot to discuss.”

Maeglin let her go first and followed her back to the meeting room. He hunched up his shoulders when he saw the surprised looks at them coming back together. Tuor asked Idril something and she answered with a smile that gave his heart a jealous stab, but he forced himself to ignore it. He’d learn to accept it.

“Did you talk?”, Rog asked him and Maeglin nodded.

“She... she wants me as her friend.”

He tried to concentrate on the positive things in her words, although that wasn’t easy. It tasted bitter.

“And that is good, isn’t it?”, Rog said and squeezed his shoulder. “She understands that you didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. I admit, I don’t know much about what is called romantic love, but I can tell you, that friendships can be very close, too.”

Maeglin was surprised at his words.

“Have you never been in love?”, he asked and blushed. That was a terribly private question.

Rog didn't seem to mind, though, he just shook his head.

“There are elves who mean a lot to me. I love them as friends, but I’ve never felt the kind of love you mean – and I don’t miss it. But I think we should turn our attention back to Turgon.”

Maeglin turned around and noticed that his uncle had started to talk again. He took a deep breath and resigned himself to a few hours more of debates. But he still thought of Rog’s words. Could a friendship be really worth as much as a romantic relationship? Could you have a live as long as Rog’s and never fall in love? But he couldn't doubt him. Rog felt so... at peace with himself. Despite the things he’d lived through. Maeglin wished he were only half as strong as him.

He realised that he’d reached out for comfort with his mind, when he met with Rog’s walls of steel. He’d rarely met anyone with defences this strong. Rog let him in when he noticed and held him soothingly.

‘I’m sorry. You hate it when other’s touch your mind, don’t you?’, Maeglin said.

‘I’m getting used to you’, Rog answered and he didn’t sound angry – it was so much easier to communicate in thoughts, because he also got the feelings of the other. ‘It’s okay, Maeglin. I have my reasons why I shy back from that, but I know that it is instinct for you and that you feel better that way. You have my permission.’

‘Thank you.’

He didn’t know how he deserved so much goodwill from Rog, but it felt good to be trusted.