Maeglin's Choice by chrissystriped

Chapter Seven

Maeglin stood straight, although his injuries protested at that and schooled his features into a blank mask. No one should see how he felt inside, but especially not these elves. He would have liked to ask Turgon to let the matter rest, but he knew that for Turgon this wasn’t about him – not completely, at least. These elves had taken justice into their own hands, it would undermine Turgon’s authority should he allow that.

He bit hard on the inside of his cheek when the whip met the back of one of his attackers. Turgon had sentenced each of them to thirty lashes. The sounds threatened to throw him back to Angband. His cell had been next to one of the torture rooms. He’d heard the screams, the sound of skin ripping under the lash... he’d felt it himself, though they’d taken care to not leave scars. The taste of blood flooded his mouth – he’d bitten down too hard. Behind his back, Maeglin dug his nails into his trembling palms and fought to stay in the present. He wished Rog were at his side, but he stood between Turgon and Duilin and Rog was far away. He reached out with his mind instead, too powerfully, he could feel Rog flinch but then he reached out to meet him.

‘Everything is okay’, his touch said. ‘You just have to hold out a little longer.’

Maeglin hurried to get away from everyone once it was over. He almost ran to his tent and closed the flap behind him. He pressed his hands to his sore eyes, heaving in trembling breaths. Rog’s calming presence touched his mind a moment before his hands descended gently on his shoulders.

“Would you rather be alone?”

Maeglin shook his head silently and leaned into him. “I thought... I was afraid to get a flashback – in front of everyone.” He took a deep breath. “I’m okay now.”

“Good.” Rog hugged him. “And remember: Let your people protect you.”

Maeglin squirmed. “I... I feel awkward about it. Many of them flocked to me after the Nirnaeth, because they were impressed by my courage. They have to despise me now.”

“I don’t think so. Talaran, for example, is very worried for you.”

“You talked to Talaran?” Maeglin didn’t know how to feel about that.

“He noticed that you spend time with me and approached me. He says you always liked your solitude, but that you withdraw even more now. He is very observant. He believes that you think exactly as you do – that your own people are despising you now. They don’t. Trust them, they deserve that.”

Maeglin nodded slowly. “You are right. I’ll try.” He felt guilty for distrusting his people.

Maeglin found Talaran at dinner with his other captains.

“I’m sorry to disturb you”, Maeglin said. “Can we talk in private, Talaran?”

“Of course, my lord.”

Talaran left his bowl at the table and followed Maeglin to his tent.

“It looks like I need a bodyguard.” Maeglin touched his aching face. “Can you make a duty roster?”

“Of course, my lord.”

“You talked with Rog.” Maeglin flinched at his own words, that had come out harsher than he’d wanted to and Talaran looked startled.

“I didn’t want to be disrespectful, my lord. I’m sorry if I overstepped.”

“No!” Maeglin shook his head. “I didn’t mean it that way. I... I was surprised that you’re worrying. It’s hard for me to understand why anyone would hold faith with me. I am a traitor.”

“Treason requires intent, at least that’s my view on it. I don’t believe that you bowed to Morgoth willingly.”

Maeglin shook his head. “I didn’t, but... the outcome is the same.”

“And still it makes all the difference.” Talaran looked at him with earnest eyes. “When the king asked me to teach you the sword, it was an honour for me. But I stayed in your service for your own sake. May I speak freely, my lord.”

Maeglin nodded, a lump forming in his throat.

“I know it is not easy for you to make friends. I was surprised at how much started to trust in Rog these last weeks. But if he is good for you, I’m glad. What I really want to say is: Many people look up to you. They are impressed by your rhetoric skill at court, your courage in battle, your masterful smithcraft, your ability to find ore. They follow you because they admire you. And maybe also in the hopes to prove worthy of your friendship. It is true that some turned their backs on you after your speech.” Talaran looked embarrassed, as if it were his fault. “But most stayed. I think, I can speak for us all, if I say that we were always proud to be Moles and that didn’t change.”

Maeglin gulped, tears coming to his eyes. “Although I disappointed you?”

“When Turgon decided to accept Rog and his people, many didn’t like that. The Sindar told horrible stories about thralls. They said, you can’t escape Angband completely. But Turgon decided to trust Rog and everyone Rog thought trustworthy. There were others, who were under Morgoth’s influence. You managed to shake that off, to tell the truth, I don’t think that disappointing. We knew something was wrong. Now that we know what it was... We have your back, Maeglin.”

“Thank you”, Maeglin said, his voice sounding broken with emotion. He knew that he didn’t make it easy for others to come close to him and still he’d won the loyalty of the men and women of his House. “I... would you pass on how much that means to me? I can’t...”

It was so hard to find words when it was about his feelings. Talaran nodded as if he understood.

“I will, my lord.”

He thought of Rog’s gentle reproach. ‘Given time, you’ll find those who are ready to accept you as you are – but you have to allow it, too.’ He should try harder with his people. They had stayed loyal to him, despite his horrible mistake that had cost them their home. Maybe he’d march with them from now on, they deserved  him to be interested in them, to make an effort. Most horses were used as cart horses, aside from the scouts who secured the flanks of their march column only the royal family and the Lords were riding. It would draw some attention, if he decided to walk, but not too much, he thought.