Piecing our Lives back together by chrissystriped

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Chapter Three

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Maedhros stood in his room and let a servant dress him. He hated to be helpless like a child, but he gritted his teeth and didn’t let the servant feel his ire, it was not his fault. He was much too thin for his clothes, but at least he could walk without help again, his arm was still in a sling to rest his shoulder. He had moved to the other side of the lake, where his brothers lived as soon as he could hold himself on the back of a horse.

Not because he would have felt uneasy in Nolofinwe’s care, but there were so many unsaid things between them and he had to recover before he could face that. But thanks to Findekáno’s efforts, there was no longer tense silence between their camps. He thanked the servant with a smile and a nod. Maedhros – he had assumed the sindarinisation of his name as soon as he’d heard it of the grey elves who came to the camp to trade, because ‘Maitimo’ reminded him of Moringotto’s hands on his body – opened the door and walked to his brothers who waited with the horses.

They would never be able to make up for the suffering on the ice, but he would pay a weregild. Makalaure held his horse and Maedhros mounted clumsily. Curufinwe and Carnistir still looked rebellious, they had not been overly excited about giving their valuable horses away. The animals of the Sindar couldn’t match the horses they had brought from Aman. Maedhros gave them a stern look, a reminder to behave. Makalaure laid his hand on the saddlebag his horse carried and moved closer to him.

“Are you sure...”, he mumbled.

Maedhros nodded wordlessly. He had only confided in Makalaure, because he knew what discussions his decision would provoke. But it was his decision, no one beside him could make it and he knew that it was right. He'd deal with his brothers afterwards. Makalaure nodded back seriously.

 

They earned distrustful looks when they rode through their uncle’s camp, but the guards had known that they were coming and let them in. Maedhros had notified Nolofinwe that they would come to make amends - at least the beginnings. He was aware that they were being followed and felt the tenseness in his brothers.

“Steady”, he murmured.

They had left their weapons at home again. There weren’t any receiving rooms, yet, and it was summer, Nolofinwe waited for them on the public square – with his whole family. Maedhros dismounted and waited until his brothers had followed his example.

“There is a great wrong between us, my lord uncle”, Maedhros said. “We know we caused much pain and suffering and we know that we will never be able to atone for it but we can at least pay compensation.” Maedhros took his horse’s reigns and led it to Nolofinwe. “We give you the horses we brought from Aman, knowing that you had to leave yours behind.”

Maedhros saw from the corner of his eye how his brothers followed his example, Makalaure had taken the saddlebag.

“We accept this gift as recompense”, Nolofinwe said seriously. “And we will treasure them. They are wonderful.” He knew how much Luinil meant to him, Nolofinwe stroked the horse’s neck.

“He will serve you well”, Maedhros said. “There is something else I want to give you.”

Maedhros looked at Makalaure and his brother turned to him. Maedhros took a deep breath while he opened the clasp that held the box closed.

“Uncle Nolofinwe, I give you the crown of the Noldor.”

He heard his brothers suck in their breaths, Maedhros didn’t look at them, he could imagine the expression on their faces.

“Even if this crime didn’t stand between us, you are the elder and thus the kingship is yours.”

Makalaure offered the box with the crown to Nolofinwe – it was so heavy that Maedhros wouldn’t have been able to hand it over in a dignified manner – and Nolofinwe accepted it.

“I won’t disappoint the trust you set in me, nephew. What happened shall be regarded as atoned for and not stand between us any longer.”

 

~*~*~

 

Nolofinwe knocked at Maitimo’s door. It was late, as the new king he hadn’t been able to leave his own celebrations. Maitimo had asked for the honour to make his oath of allegiance before all others and Nolofinwe had only seen him from afar afterwards. He wanted to talk to him.

Maitimo wore a nightshirt and an open dressing gown, his regrowing hair stood wildly around his head. He was still leaner than before his captivity, but his skin wasn’t as pale as it had been and he looked well. Nolofinwe knew that he trained with Findekáno, relearning how to fight with his sword in his left hand - deep in the forest where no one could see them.

“May I come in?”

Nolofinwe had not seen Maitimo in private, he wasn’t sure if Maitimo was evading him or if there simply hadn’t been an opportunity.  Maitimo nodded without a word and moved aside, his eyes cast down.

“Are you sure that this was a good idea?” Nolofinwe lifted his father’s crown off his head and stared at it. It felt surreal to be king. 'King', that was his father. He had reigned in Finwe’s stead but he’d never worn the crown, had never sat on his father’s throne in Tirion.

Maitimo’s laugh had a desperate sound to it. “A little late to ask that. You know as well as I do that it was the right decision. It doesn’t matter what you could have said, your people – the people we betrayed – wouldn’t have liked to bend the knee to me. How could I even think of ruling them after we betrayed you all? And for a king, his people should always come first, but I swore an oath and that is what I have to concentrate all my efforts on. My brothers may think that the one is compatible with the other, but there will be decisions...” Maitimo shook his head. “It’s better this way.”

Nolofinwe put the crown aside and laid his hands on Maitimo’s shoulders. “We are going to stand together. You and your brothers swore a terrible oath that is true, but I’m here to take revenge for my father’s death and thus we have the same goal. We will fight the Moringotto together.”

An expression of terrible fear shot across Maitimo’s face.

“Don’t call him that!”, he gasped and Nolofinwe felt him tremble.

“Maedhros, what is wrong?” Nolofinwe wasn’t used yet to call him by this name, but his nephew had chosen it and he would respect that.

Maitimo just shook his head and Nolofinwe embraced him slowly, held his trembling body, felt him cry at his shoulder and didn’t know what to do.

“Please don’t call him that”, Maitimo whispered finally. “I can’t... don’t force me to explain it.”

Nolofinwe nodded and led him to the bed, sitting down on the edge with him. “I won’t do it again if it hurts you like this.”

Maitimo's breath was uneven, his left hand cramped around his knee.

“Do you want me to leave?”, Nolofinwe asked although his heart broke at the thought to desert him in this state.

His fea reached for Maitimo and caught a thought from him. ‘I don’t want your pity.’ Before Maitimo could answer, Nolofinwe laid his finger on his lips. He wouldn’t let him push him away.

“Before you say something that you might regret later...”

Nolofinwe followed an inspiration and slid from the bed, kneeling before Maitimo. He still wore his coronation robe and he knew his head seamstress would skin him if he ruined the work of the last months, but Maitimo was more important now. Maitimo made a strangled noise. Nolofinwe hadn’t hinted at wanting to resume their relationship because he hadn’t wanted to overwhelm Maitimo in his fragile state, but he thought now that he needed to hear that he still wanted him.

“I want you to know that my regard for you didn’t change. It hurts me to see you suffer, but I don’t see you as weak.”

“But...” Maitimo’s hand trembled when he reached for him. “How? I’m...”

He stared at his stump. Nolofinwe bowed slowly forward and kissed the scarred skin.

“You are a strong man, Nelyafinwe. You had the incredible courage to give up the crown. And I don’t know what... what was done to you, but you are alive and I can see you fight. Let me help you with it. It isn’t a weakness to show that you’ve been hurt.”

Maitimo sobbed softly. “If you knew what he did... what I let him do to me... you would turn away in disgust.”

Nolofinwe shook his head. “Never.” He took his hand between his own. “Let me serve you – like I used to. Let me show you my regard for you.”

 

Maedhros touched Nolofinwe’s cheek with trembling fingers. He had thought he’d never have this again. He was a cripple who couldn’t even dress without help. How could Nolofinwe still look up to him? How could he still want him? Trust him to lead him well? And the stump... he could barely look at it but Nolofinwe had kissed it without hesitation.

Maedhros closed his eyes. He hadn’t even thought about sex since he’d woken. His body had been so weak for so long and later he hadn’t wanted to think of Nolofinwe because it hurt too much to think of what would never happen again. Could he still do it? After he’d seen his own preferences twisted and perverted by Moringotto? Maedhros shook his head. He knew he wasn’t like this. Moringotto turned everything into cruelty, but Maedhros had never done this with anything but affection in mind. He caressed Nolofinwe’s cheek and his uncle leaned into the touch.

“My núro”, he whispered.

He’d hated so much to be forced to his knees by Moringotto, every moment of it, but it had been force and hatred. Nolofinwe looked at him with desire and affection and Maedhros smiled gently. He had missed this. And it felt good, soothing for his churning feelings. But... he didn’t desire sex now. There was so much he couldn’t do with just one hand. Maedhros caressed Nolofinwe’s hair. He wanted him to stay, he longed for closeness. He didn’t want his pity.

“Undress and lie on the bed.”

Maedhros got up and extinguished the candles, he only left the lamp on his nightstand uncovered. Maedhros watched Nolofinwe fight with his heavy robes that clearly weren’t made for undressing without a servant and for the first time since a long time he felt an echo of desire rise inside him. He shrugged out of his dressing gown and pulled the nightshirt over his head, although he felt uneasy about showing his scars, he wanted to feel skin on skin.

He lay down on the bed and waited for Nolofinwe to come to him and a feeling of happiness rushed through him when he embraced him. Nolofinwe still wanted him! Despite his missing hand, despite the scars, despite the darkness in his soul.

“Can you stay all night?”, he asked because the thought of having to let go of him was suddenly unbearable.

“There are going to be questions”, Nolofinwe said slowly. “But yes, I can stay. We’ll simply say that you asked me, that you didn’t want to be alone. That’s not a lie.”

“Thank you”, Maedhros whispered and kissed him hesitantly. “You don’t have to thank me for something like that, Maedhros, never. You only have to ask – or order – and I’ll be there for you.” Nolofinwe stroked his chest and Maedhros felt that stirring of desire again when his palm rubbed his nipple. “What do you want me to do, my prince?”

“Nothing”, he answered. “I simply want to hold you and relish the wonder of not having lost you.”

Nolofinwe nodded wordlessly and got comfortable in his arms. Maedhros waited until he had fallen asleep before he allowed his own mind to wander – it made him nervous to sleep in the presence of others. Nolofinwe’s presence calmed him. It was easier to find into his dreams and it wasn’t Moringotto’s cruel voice that waited for him there, as it did so often, but dreams of Aman, summoned by Nolofinwe’s scent.

 

Maedhros tensed when he woke, expecting the man, whose erection was hot on his thigh, to push him down and fuck him. He stifled a whimper and squeezed his eyes tightly shut.

“Maedhros, don’t be afraid.” Nolofinwe caressed his head gently, he sounded drowsy. “You are save here.”

Maedhros opened his eyes and looked into his uncle’s worried face, he took a shuddering breath. No nightmares tonight and that was rare enough but this moment of waking... He put a little distance between himself and Nolofinwe because he couldn’t stand to be touched right now. Nolofinwe pulled his hand slowly back.

“I won’t touch you, if you don’t want me to”, he said softly.

Maedhros shook his head. “It felt good tonight, but sometimes I just can’t bear it. I’m difficult, I know. I’m sorry.”

Nolofinwe shook his head. “You don’t have to be sorry.” He licked his lips and continued carefully: “You know I’ll listen, if you want to talk?”

Maedhros concentrated on his breathing to stop the things that lurked at the edges of his thoughts. He shook his head again. He couldn’t tell him. Not after spending the night with Nolofinwe, not if he was sure it would destroy everything they might still have.

“I don’t want to”, he said quietly and was ashamed of himself. It was like lying to Nolofinwe – he was faking being someone he wasn’t any longer.

Maedhros turned his back to Nolofinwe and curled up. It hurt to know that Nolofinwe would leave him if he knew. Nolofinwe gently laid his hand on his back and he remembered his scars again. He didn’t want him to see him like this!

“Please leave!”, he croaked.

“Maedhros...” There it was again, the pity.

“Please, uncle.”

Maedhros lay motionless and tense until Nolofinwe got up. He heard the rustle of clothes as he dressed.

“I accept your wish, Maedhros”, Nolofinwe said. “Just, please, don’t push me away. I’m there for you, always, if you need me. In any way you need me.”

When Maedhros remained silent, Nolofinwe sighed deeply and left. Maedhros let his tears flow when the door closed. In the night he had dared to envision something that was over – just a dream. Nolofinwe was pitying him, nothing more, he’d never look at him again and see his Prince Nelyafinwe, not really.