Piecing our Lives back together by chrissystriped

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Chapter Five

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Maedhros sat on his chair in the circle of his relatives and waited for Nolofinwe to start their council. Only Turukáno was still refusing to sit at one table with them and Maedhros couldn’t blame him – his wife had died on the ice. It was a miracle to him that Findekáno had been ready to risk his life to rescue him. And it was a miracle that Nolofinwe still wanted him.

They had spread a map on the table, better than the one his brothers had started to make in his... absence, although they hadn’t been idle. This one, Angaráto had brought from his visit to Doriath and it showed all the land from the sea to the west to the mountains in the east and from the highland at the border south of the plain before Angamando to the bay the River the Sindar called ‘Sirion’ issued into.

“It’s time we worked together”, Nolofinwe said. “We can’t fight the Moringotto if we fight among each other. I want us to put what happened behind.”

Some looks showed clearly that not all of them were agreeing with Nolofinwe, but no one said anything.

“Thank you, Your Majesty”, Maedhros said.

Curufinwe crossed his arms and Carnistir looked like he had something unfriendly on his tongue, they resented that he’d given the crown to Nolofinwe, but he had made clear that he wouldn’t tolerate it as the head of their family if they insulted the High King. He moved his right shoulder uneasily. He went diligently through the exercises the healers had given him to strengthen his muscles, but the joint often ached – as did the hand that was no longer there. He scratched at the stump.

“Angaráto travelled to Doriath to meet with King Elwe – Elu Thingol in his language”, Findárato grimaced. “Would you please relay his message, brother?”

“He expects us to accept his lordship over Beleriand. He allows us to settle to the north of the mountains and also east of Doriath, where the land is empty but not anywhere else where we could hinder his people’s way of life.”

Maedhros looked closely at the map and huffed.

“He’s prudent. He gives us only what he couldn’t defend anyway and makes us into a bastion against... HIM.”

He couldn’t. Each time someone said ‘Moringotto’ a frightened shiver ran down his spine. His men... he hoped so much that they were dead now that HE couldn’t use them as leverage against him. He realised that he’d lost the thread of the conversation. Makalaure who sat beside him looked worried.

‘Are you alright?’, he asked gently with ósanwe.

Maedhros nodded almost imperceptibly, it was still hard for him to answer that way – or even hear it – he had locked his mind away for too long.

“And who gave you the right to speak in our stead anyway?”, growled Carnistir, glaring at Angaráto.

“Carnistir!”, snapped Maedhros. “We are newcomers in this land and Elwe is Angaráto’s kinsman, it was prudent to send him.”

“You don’t have to remind me, that he’s only half-Noldo. Who knows what he told him that Elwe sends back such words?”

“I said nothing of what you did on our way from Aman”, Angaráto hissed. “Because I was under the impression that we’d but that behind us. But maybe I should have!”

‘I can’t believe that you’d be so idiotic as to remind them of Alqualonde. We slaughtered their kin!’, Maedhros shot at Carnistir, too angry to be afraid of the mindbond.

Carnistir looked away, but he could see that he didn’t feel ashamed. Maedhros stood up and bowed to Angaráto.

“I apologise for my brother”, he said. “And I thank you for making this journey for all of us.”

“I don’t doubt your esteem, Maedhros”, Angaráto said coldly before he turned to Nolofinwe. “I’m sorry uncle, but I’d better leave before I forget myself.”

Nolofinwe nodded, looking tired and Maedhros wondered how much persuading he’d had to do to stop Finarfin’s children from bringing up the kinslaying in the first place. He looked at the map again and wondered if it wouldn’t be better to remove themselves as far east as they could. It might even be a good tactical decision.

“We could almost encircle him”, he muttered, staring at the mountains in the north. “Stop him from breaking out and harassing us constantly.”

He knew that breaking Angband wouldn’t be fast. They needed to settle in and build their strength. He’d need to talk to his brothers about this.

“You mean we should beleaguer Angband?”, said Nolofinwe and his eyes were sorrowful, when he looked at him.

Maedhros nodded, he knew, too, it would mean they’d be separated again – but that was nothing new for them, after all.

“He’s dug himself in. Hoping to draw him out and win is hopeless right now”, maybe it wasn’t possible at all, but he didn’t say that, “we should concentrate on building our strength, make alliances with the Sindar and Círdan’s people in the south.”

They continued to talk about how to fight HIM and Maedhros tried to concentrate on it – he wanted to fight HIM, he wanted to win, wanted to fulfil the Oath and take revenge on HIM – but although his body was healing well it still was hard for him to concentrate for longer stretches of time, especially when a lot of people were speaking. His eyes met Nolofinwe’s and his uncle smiled at him. Maedhros smiled back. Later he’d find a way to see him privately. He winked lewdly. They hadn’t seen each other since Nolofinwe had sneaked into his room. Maedhros wondered if he was hard right now, aching for him. The thought made him feel warm.

 

Nolofinwe was already wearing a nightshirt and dressing gown when Maedhros slipped through the bedroom door. He sat in front of the hearth, a stack of papers and a pen in his hands.

“You can take that off again, núro”, Maedhros said with a wide grin.

Nolofinwe’s head whipped around and he slid out of his armchair to kneel down.

“My prince”, he whispered breathlessly, his nightshirt was tenting treacherously.

Maedhros sat wordlessly in the armchair Nolofinwe had just vacated.

“Strip”, he said again and Nolofinwe quickly shook the dressing gown from his shoulders and pulled the shirt over his head. Maedhros stroked his head when he knelt naked before him. “Have you been a good boy, my núro? Did you follow my order?”

“I haven’t touched myself since we met last, Prince Nelyafinwe”, Nolofinwe answered and leaned into his touch.

“Very good, núro”, Maedhros crooned. “You deserve a reward for that. But first, turn around.”

Maedhros pulled the ribbon from the end of his braid and opened it with his fingers.

“I like it when your hair lies open on your shoulders”, he said and spread the black locks on Nolofinwe’s back, stroking his hair for a while. “Lie on the bed, núro. On your back, legs spread, wrists crossed above the head.”

Maedhros pulled the sling that reduced the strain on his shoulder joint over his head and laid it aside before taking a soft rope from the bag he’d brought and walking to the bed. Nolofinwe watched him with dark eyes, his mouth slightly open. Maedhros could see his pulse race.

“Excited?”, he asked softly.

“Yes, my Prince”, Nolofinwe answered and licked his lips.

“Good.”

Maedhros sat down beside him and kissed these enticing lips thoroughly, arousal shuddering awake in his body. It was still strange to feel that again after years of torture and rape... Maedhros pushed the thought aside. He knew, he wouldn’t be able to pull this off if he thought too much of that now. He concentrated on Nolofinwe’s soft lips instead, his mouth opening eagerly for his tongue.

Nolofinwe didn’t move when he wound the rope around his wrists a few times. He wasn’t able to make a save knot one-handed, yet, but this would hold as long as Nolofinwe didn’t move too much. Maedhros smiled down at him and slid his finger down the inside of his arm.

“Your arms remain were they are, núro”, he ordered.

“Yes, my Prince”, Nolofinwe answered breathlessly.

Maedhros kissed him again before rising and undressing slowly, sure that he’d manage alone without tangling himself in his clothes. Nolofinwe watched him hungrily, lips reddened from kissing and his hair splayed out around his head. Maedhros took a silky lock between his fingers and caressed his cheek with it. He loved Nolofinwe’s hair so much.

His heart started to pick up speed as he reached out with his stump and slid it down Nolofinwe’s chest. It took an effort to use it – what if he’d just imagined Nolofinwe’s acceptance of it? – but Nolofinwe moaned with pleasure and moved into his touch and Maedhros reached down and caressed his arousal with it before pressing it against his balls. A tenseness, he hadn’t been aware of, dissolved in Maedhros’s chest and he breathed easier. It was so hard to believe that Nolofinwe still felt affection for him, still wanted him, if he wasn’t there, but when he was lying under him like this, he couldn’t doubt it.

“Are you ready for me?”, he asked and moved the stump a little lower.

“Yes, my Prince.”

Nolofinwe’s breath hitched when he pushed the stump against his entrance. Was he afraid he’d fuck him with that? Maedhros quickly pulled his arm back.

“You deserve a reward”, he said with a grin that wasn’t completely real. He shouldn’t have gone so far. “But I didn’t say when.”

Nolofinwe’s eyes had closed, a bead of sweat was running down his neck. Maedhros bowed forward and followed its course with his tongue.

“You are so desirable”, he murmured, his fingers teasing Nolofinwe’s cock and drawing a whimper from him. “I love to see you hard and aching for my touch – knowing that my hand was the last one touching you there and that you’ll wait for my permission.”

Maedhros took his hand away to reach for his bag.

“I brought something for you.”

The contents of the bag clattered when he put it down on the bed. Nolofinwe’s eyes widened when he took the first clothespin from the bag and closed it slowly around a nipple.

 

His prince pinched the skin of his hip between thumb and forefinger and let the clothespin he held between his teeth close slowly around it. He knew that Nelyafinwe was making up for his missing hand but it looked highly arousing and the biting pain of the closing pin shot right to Nolofinwe’s cock.

His chest was adorned with two rows of pins that ran from his nipples down to his hipbones, two more on each side were placed at the crook of his arm, where the skin was stretched by his position. Each of his shuddering breaths tugged on the hot, tautened skin and brought him closer to orgasm. He had been hard since he’d seen his prince dismount and his arousal had made it difficult for him to sit still during their council.

He gasped when Nelyafinwe flicked his finger against one of the pins and the dull throb flared up to biting pain again. His arms jerked, his body wanted to shield himself by curling up, but he forced himself to keep them where his prince had positioned them while he flicked more clamps, playing them like the keys of a piano, and licked the skin with his hot, wet tongue. Nolofinwe shuddered, his cock was throbbing.

“You are doing so well for me”, Nelyafinwe murmured. “It means everything to me that you give yourself over to me.”

Nolofinwe felt a warm glow in his chest that had nothing to do with the heat that was radiating from his clamped skin. He knew how inadequate Nelyafinwe felt, how sure he was that he couldn’t be enough now and it was good to know that he could banish these thoughts even if just for a while.

His prince laid his hand loosely around his arousal and Nolofinwe sharply sucked in his breath. His motions were slow, much too slow to satisfy his need. His thighs trembled as he fought against thrusting into that warm, calloused hand. His prince grinned at him before bowing forward, his hair, that was slowly growing in, falling around his face, and pulling one of the pins away with his teeth. It took a moment, more pins had followed, for the pain to come back with force.

Nolofinwe whimpered and writhed a little but his prince rubbed the pulsing, screaming skin with his stump and started to stroke his cock in earnest and the discomfort turned to blinding pleasure. Nolofinwe keened and pressed his arms into the pillow because he wanted to reach for him, to cling to him, but he mustn’t.

“So good”, Nelyafinwe crooned before pulling off another pin. “So obedient, so desirable. I permit you to come now, núro.”

Nelyafinwe  licked his freed nipple, his stump was still massaging his throbbing chest but was sliding lower. Blinding pleasure rushed through his body when his prince rubbed it over the sensitive place behind his testicles.

 

Maedhros sat up and looked down on Nolofinwe, who lay splayed out, sweaty and sticky with come, arms still above his head – and what a good feeling it was that he obeyed him – his chest littered with red splotches where the clothespins had dug into his skin. He looked enticingly debauched.

Maedhros knelt between his spread legs and lifted them on his shoulders. He fisted his cock, groaning softly with pleasure – watching Nolofinwe squirm under the bite of the pins had thoroughly aroused him – and rubbed the head over Nolofinwe’s entrance a few times before entering him slowly. Maedhros moaned as Nolofinwe’s muscles enveloped him, hot and sleek and perfect, pleasure shot up his spine and let his thighs tremble.

He took him with quick, deep thrusts, it didn’t take long until his balls contracted and he came deep inside him. Maedhros let himself down on Nolofinwe’s chest, breathing heavily, his cock still inside him. He looked up quickly to check if his tied hands were still where he had put them before closing his eyes and enjoying their closeness for a moment.

“How are you?”, Maedhros murmured as he pushed himself up and unwound the rope, his hand stroked Nolofinwe’s silky hair and Nolofinwe smiled at him.

“Very well. Are you well?”

“Yes.” Maedhros lay down beside him and rested his forehead against Nolofinwe’s who stroked his side calmingly. “I need your submission so much. It makes me feel complete again. Thank you for giving me this.”

Nolofinwe kissed him gently. “It’s not a sacrifice, Maedhros, I enjoy this as much as you. I think I’ll need to summon a council more often.”

Maedhros chuckled. “At your own risk, Your Majesty. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to keep my brothers from saying or doing something idiotic. But let’s not talk about politics”, he asked.

He didn’t want to think about the war now – about HIM – not here. Not when he was so happy and the sex had gone off without an incident – for the first time since Angband. Nolofinwe nodded sympathetically.

“Of course, Maedhros. Let’s talk about sex instead.” He grinned at him and Maedhros relaxed.

“That’s fitting”, he answered with a laugh, he trailed his index finger down Nolofinwe’s chest and left goose bumps in his wake. “What do you want to talk about? Just in case this is your question:” Maedhros’ finger made a semi-circle around the base of Nolofinwe’s flaccid cock. “The order to not touch yourself still stands.”

Nolofinwe shuddered. “That... wasn’t my question, but... ah, Maedhros, how long...”

“As long as it takes for us to come together again. I know you can do this for me, núro.” Maedhros grinned and kissed his nose.

“Of course, my prince, everything for you”, Nolofinwe answered without hesitation and Maedhros kissed him gratefully. “What I wanted to say:” He caressed Maedhros’s handless arm and Maedhros felt a mix of tension, amazement and happiness about him not recoiling, as always when Nolofinwe focused his attention on his mutilation. That insecure part of him told him that Nolofinwe would ask him to stop touching him with the stump now. And he couldn’t make it shut up, although he didn’t really believe it. “I know you feel insecure and insufficient because of this, but I also get the feeling that you like touching me with it. Is that correct?”

“Both, yes.” Maedhros watched Nolofinwe’s long, slender fingers caressing the scars where the healers had done their best to tidy up Fingon’s inexpert amputation. Touching him without hesitation, without disgust. “I’m a cripple. So many things are hard for me.”

“And you learn to live with it.” Nolofinwe looked at him through long lashes. “Do you know how sensual it was how you put the clothespins on with your teeth? You don’t need to feel insufficient.”

A sharp twinge of happiness shot through Maedhros’s chest. “You liked that?” He was so happy.

“Yes, very much. And I also like it when you touch me with your stump.”

Maedhros kissed him fiercely. “That means so much to me, Nolofinwe. I... when I look at my arm, I only see the missing hand and how ugly the scars are, but when I’m with you and you touch me there, when you let me touch you with it, I don’t feel like something’s missing.”

Nolofinwe had tears in his eyes. He kissed the stump, a tear ran warm down Maedhros’s skin.

“It makes me happy that you feel like that”, he said with husky voice. “I’d never want you to feel like you aren’t enough.”

Maedhros caressed his hair and kissed it.

“I love you”, he whispered. “You don’t have to answer, I know how complicated it is.”

Nolofinwe had a wife even if she was on the other side of the sea and he had always known that what was between them wasn’t a romantic relationship. Nolofinwe lifted his head and caressed his cheek.

“I love you too, Maedhros. Different from Anaire, but not less.”

Maedhros leaned into the warm hand. “Thank you for saying that.” He wasn’t sure if it was true or if Nolofinwe only said it because he thought he needed to hear it.

“Maedhros... Nelyafinwe. I don’t know if you’d like that or if it would go too far, but I find the idea of your stump inside me very arousing.”

Maedhros stared at him. He almost couldn’t believe it. He must have looked so surprised that a mischievous smile came to Nolofinwe’s lips.

“Is that so unbelievable?”

“Erm... yes?” Maedhros shook his head. But was it really? “Have you ever been... fisted before?” Although strictly speaking, that wasn’t what they were planning here.

Nolofinwe shook his head. “It takes more preparation than I had time for in the past, but I’ve thought about it.”

He shrugged and blushed. Maedhros smiled and reached with his hand around him to rub his entrance with a fingertip.

“I’ve done it to others before, more than once, but it were people who knew what they were doing, too. We should take our time, although my stump isn’t as wide as a fist.” He kissed Nolofinwe’s ear. “I don’t suppose you brought any toys with you?”

“That wasn’t on my priority list when we left.”

Maedhros smiled wryly. “Neither was it on mine. I’ll find a discrete wood carver who can make a few plugs in different sizes for us and then we’ll open you up for me, núro. That’s going to be fun.”

Nolofinwe chuckled and pulled him down for a gentle kiss.

“You intend to leave Mithrim, don’t you?”, he said. “I could hear it, when you talked about beleaguering Angband today.”

Maedhros nodded. “As I’ve said, I don’t know how much longer I can keep my brothers from saying something that will start strife again. I need to get them away from here and by what I could see on the map the east is also the least defensible. That’s where he’ll strike, I think, and I want to be there when he does.”

“I know you’re right, it’s probably for the best, but... I wish I didn’t need to let you go. When?”

“Not immediately. I’ll have to talk my brothers into it at first. But soon.”

He nibbled gently at Nolofinwe’s ear, stroking his warm skin. He didn’t want to let go just yet, though he knew he couldn’t sleep here, it was too risky. Still, they could steal a few more minutes together before he sneaked back to his guest room.

 

Maedhros whimpered, Morgoth’s hands stroked roughly over his battered skin. He screamed when he entered him roughly. He was already so sore...

Maedhros tore his eyes open, his own screams still in his ears – he felt by the pain in his throat that he’d been loud. He shrank back from the shadow bowing over him and almost fell out of the bed.

“No!”

“Maedhros, it’s just me.”

Nolofinwe lighted a candle and looked at him with worried eyes. Maedhros breathed heavily like he’d been running. It was dark outside, the sky cloudy. They must have fallen asleep. Maedhros wiped his sweaty forehead.

“I... I’m fine again”, he croaked. “Just a dream.”

He forced himself not to jerk away when Nolofinwe caressed his arm. He saw the question in his eyes he didn’t ask out of consideration for him. Maedhros felt the guilt about his silence clutch at his heart. He had to tell him. He had to!

“Can you... can you blindfold yourself and tie your hands like the other day?”, he asked softly. He needed him vulnerable, needed him to be silent and blind when he told him about his shame.

“Of course.”

Nolofinwe fetched the sash of his dressing gown and blindfolded himself before tying his hands blindly. Maedhros gently caressed his side

“Would you... would you allow me to gag you – I’d use something you can push out of your mouth by yourself, if you have to. I can’t... I can’t tell you about this, if there is even a chance of you interrupting me.”

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to, Maedhros”, Nolofinwe said softly.

“But I do”, answered Maedhros. “I can’t stay silent any longer.”

“Then do what you need to feel comfortable telling me.”

Maedhros took his own sash from the pile of his clothes and awkwardly tied one end into a knock that he pushed into Nolofinwe’s open mouth.

“Show me that you can spit that out”, he ordered and Nolofinwe pushed the fabric from his mouth with his tongue.

“Good.”

Maedhros put it in again before lying down and pulling Nolofinwe against his chest. He’d calmed a little with the preparations but now he had to force himself to breathe deeply. This was the last time he’d hold Nolofinwe in his arms, he was sure of it. Maedhros caressed Nolofinwe’s chest and his lover relaxed into him. He’d seen his scars and hadn’t shrunk back. He didn’t find his stump disgusting. Could he hope that he’d still want him after his confession?

“He tortured me”, he said with rough voice. “But he didn’t do it for information. It was his pleasure and he... he.. he raped me. And I let him, gave in because he threatened to torture my men – turn them into orcs – if I didn’t comply.” Hot tears ran down his cheeks and he buried his face in Nolofinwe’s soft hair. “I understand, if you don’t want me anymore now that you know what I let him do to me. I’m tainted.” Nolofinwe was tense in his arms and Maedhros wondered if he felt revulsion at his touch. “But I couldn’t die”, he whispered. “I... the Oath.” Maedhros sobbed. “And I couldn’t fight and watch my men suffer for me either. I’m so sorry, Nolofinwe. I should have told you before we... I feel so bad for remaining silent. But I couldn’t tell you. I simply couldn’t! I don’t want to think of it and I want to talk about it even less, but I mustn’t hide this from you any longer. Do you want me to... to leave?”

Maedhros held his breath but Nolofinwe shook his head immediately. Maedhros felt his fea reach out to him with gentle warmth and love.

“You still want me?”, he whispered. “Despite what he did to me?”

Nolofinwe nodded.

“Thank you”, he whispered. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Nolofinwe.”

He sobbed quietly into Nolofinwe’s hair as the relief of it being out and Nolofinwe not pushing him away washed over him. He didn’t think this would change nothing – he was sure Nolofinwe was quite horrified in his blinded silence – but he was still here in his arms. Maedhros knew he could have freed himself from his bonds at any time. He had chosen not to. It meant everything to him.

“I love you”, he whispered and kissed Nolofinwe’s cheek.

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Chapter End Notes

elennalore did lovely fanart for this chapter. Please check it out: https://elennalore.tumblr.com/post/647187147122737152/nolofinw%C3%AB-submitting-to-maedhros-fan-art-for-fic