A New Life in an Old Home by chrissystriped

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Chapter Eight

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Maedhros held Nolofinwe’s hand tighter as they entered the banquet hall, as much to tell his lover without words that he was here, as to feel that he wasn’t alone himself. Nolofinwe squeezed back, smiling shakily at him.

“We’ll just watch and listen”, Nolofinwe had said beforehand. “Feel the room. See how they react to us.”

There were already a couple of people sitting at a long table, drinks before them and talking. Maedhros thought it very indicative of Mahtan’s attitude that they’d found their place here, even though his grandfather didn’t share their inclinations. Mahtan had connected him with Inwision, one of his master-smiths who was the initiator of this meetings together with his husband. They met regularly, some couples forming the hard core while others only came now and then. The smith smiled as he became aware of them standing in the doorway and waved them over.

“Welcome”, he said. Maedhros was aware of the shuffling at the table. “When Maedhros spoke to me, he said that you both are here as private people and you, Nolofinwe, wouldn’t want us to treat you as one of the Ruling Kings of the Noldor.” Inwision looked at the six other people at the table. “Forgive me, but I think we’d all feel better, if you could confirm that. We don’t want to insult.”

Nolofinwe nodded with a smile. “You are completely right. I understand it is not easy to see me detached from my rank, but yes, you’d do me a favour if you’d just treat me as one of you.” He licked his lips, his eyes darting to Maedhros before he said: “In our relationship, I submit to Maedhros and while we certainly sometimes played with the fact that I’m king and he gave up the crown to me against the wish of his brothers and some of his people, it would feel very strange, if you’d treat me like a king here.”

Nolofinwe fell silent and blushed, Maedhros held his breath. It made his heart race to hear these things, that had only ever been between them, spoken aloud. He wasn’t sure he would have been able to say this. Nolofinwe was a lot braver than he was.

“Good to know. Please, make yourselves comfortable.” Inwision smiled at them. “Mahtan isn’t playing barkeeper for us today, so we have to serve ourselves. What would you like to drink?” He motioned at the array of bottles in the middle of the table. “We are not drunkards by the way, even if it might look like that.”

Inwision introduced them to the other people at the table while Maedhros poured them both white wine.

“Over there we have Tuilindor and Naltariel, they are — as you might have guessed from their hair — from Valimar. We tease them a lot for daring to come into this den of noldorin debauchery. Those three are Ailiniel, Saithnar and Urundil. Urundil is another one of Mahtan’s people, like me. And this is my husband, Calando, he’s a leatherworker, if you ever need a fancy collar, I’d say he is the right address — but I might be biased.”

The others laughed and Maedhros relaxed with a smile at Nolofinwe. He’d had his own worries about how they’d react to him — he’d already found out first hand that not everyone was happy about him and his brothers being pardoned — but they didn’t seem to mind who he was. He tried to hide that the collars made him a little uneasy. He remembered too well the weight of cold metal around his neck. Nolofinwe had never been his slave.

“We are a small group today”, Inwision continued. “I hope you aren’t disappointed.”

Nolofinwe shook his head. “I think, we both agree”, he said with a look at Maedhros, “that it would have been overwhelming to meet a lot of people at once. This seems right. You look very comfortable with each other.”

“We are very close friends”, Tuilindor said. “We have found our people here. And if you think you do too, you are always welcome.”

“Thank you.” Maedhros smiled at him.

 

“So, what do you think?”, Maedhros asked him as they rode back to Tirion the next day. Nerdanel was visiting a customer and so Nolofinwe had decided it was save to stay at Mahtan’s home for the night. He had a nagging feeling that they’d have to let her in eventually. “Are we going to go there again?”

“I’d like to, I think”, Nolofinwe answered. “It felt nice to talk with them. I mean, they know each other very well, but they made us welcome. I liked it. And, you know, they did talk about how they don’t always just sit around and talk… You know how much I’d enjoy being seen as your own.”

Maedhros smirked at him. “I know. I’m having some ideas for that.”

“Oh?” Nolofinwe rode closer to him so their knees touched. “Care to share?”

“Maybe once I thought about it more.” Maedhros winked at him. “I’m glad you enjoyed it tonight. I know you were nervous.”

“They seemed to get over me being the king pretty quickly. I was worried that they wouldn’t. It felt good to talk to them. Listen to someone else’s experiences. Do you think we could have had that sooner? If we’d dropped hints, had tried to build something like that ourselves?”

Nolofinwe waited while Maedhros thought about it.

“I don’t think so”, he finally said. “It would have been too high a risk for our… activities to get out. It is much easier to come into such a group — saver — than to try to build one.”

“Yes, you might be right.” Nolofinwe sighed. “You know… I’m wondering… If we really go there more often, it will be noticed — at least by your mother. Should we tell her?” He grimaced at the thought. “Better she hears it from us than finding it out through rumours?”

Maedhros pulled his upper lip between his teeth. “I’d lie, if I’d say I never thought about confessing my fantasies to my parents. And I know mother wouldn’t go and tell everyone, no matter what she thinks personally, but… I’m not sure. We’ve been hiding it for so long, it feels frightening to tell anyone.”

“I know. When I confessed to Anaire, I was so scared about her reaction. I love her, I truly do, and I thought she should know what she’d be forgiving, if she decided to take me back after I left her. But it scared me.” Nolofinwe reached out and squeezed Maedhros’s hand with his. “I’m tired of hiding”, he continued. “I’ll admit that. I sometimes imagine just telling our whole family.”

Maedhros stared at him wide-eyed. “You are mad!”

Nolofinwe shrugged with a wry smile. “Maybe I am. It’s just… it would make some things so much easier.”

“We can’t.” Maedhros thought with dread of what his brothers would say.

“I know. It’s just… it would be nice to be able to.” Nolofinwe shook his head. “You’re right.”, he repeated. They rode on in silence.

“I noticed you flinching when they talked about collars and ‘slaves’. Are you comfortable with going there again?”

“And there I thought, I’d hidden it.” Maedhros gave him a wry smile.

“You did, but I know you well.”

“Yes, you do.” Maedhros sighed. “I am comfortable with meeting them and others again. But yes, it startled me a little, how they play this game. They are romanticising something so horrible…”

“I think they know that real slavery is not like what they do”, Nolofinwe said slowly. “Not that I don’t understand, why it would be startling to you, but… well, I can see the appeal of being completely in the power of someone powerful — that’s what we do, too. They just call themselves by other names. When we started this, we had no concept of slavery — the biggest imbalance in power we could think of was that of a member of the royal family and a servant — but if we’d known about it, in an abstract way like them, we might have gone that way, too, don’t you think?” Nolofinwe had always enjoyed being called ‘núro’ by Maedhros — his prince — and the feeling of powerlessness over the situation that came with it.

Maedhros nodded slowly. “You might have a point there — I know they are not anything like what I experienced in Angband. It just… feels off. I’ll get used to it.”

He smiled at him but Nolofinwe could see that his lips shook a little. He made a mental note to himself to ask Inwision for a conversation, just to make him aware that ‘slave’ meant something much more sinister to Maedhros than the rest of them.

 

~*~*~

 

Inwision looked slightly intimidated when he was led into Nolofinwe’s sitting room by a servant.

“You asked to see me, my king?”

“Yes.” Nolofinwe offered him a seat and sat down himself. “I hope I didn’t inconvenience you.”

“No, not at all.” He still looked nervous, so Nolofinwe said: “I wanted to thank you for the welcome you gave Maedhros and me.”

Inwision smiled. “We are always happy to meet new people like us. Did you like what you heard, then?”

“Yes, we did. We’ll join you again. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to raise your awareness to Maedhros’s past. As you might know, he was taken captive by Morgoth.”

“I heard of that, yes.” Inwision looked uncomfortable.

“I won’t go into detail”, Nolofinwe continued. “But I thought it would be important for you to know, that to him ‘slave’ means something entirely different than to you.”

“Oh. I hope we didn’t say something insensitive!” Inwision paled sightly and tensed.

“No, that’s not it. But he’s experienced real slavery and that’s different from what you and we do.”

“Of course! I don’t think any of us would ever think it is the same. If I may ask: What does he call you?”

“Núro”, Nolofinwe said with a gentle smile. “We started this before we had a concept of slavery.”

“I understand.” Inwision nodded. “I will talk to the others, so no one accidentally makes an insensitive remark.”

“That would be very kind of you”, Nolofinwe answered. “Thank you. Now, I won’t keep you any longer.”

Inwision took his leave and Nolofinwe relaxed. He felt better now that he’d told him. Inwision had reacted calmly and understanding. Maedhros had worried, it might bias them against him, people had preconceptions, that was why he’d let Nolofinwe do this alone — and because he really didn’t like to talk about his past.

 

~*~*~

 

Maedhros hugged his mother tight. He was nervous about this, but he still took the time to cherish being with her. Nerdanel laughed and patted his upper arm.

“I’m happy to see you, too, Maedhros.” The name rolled off her tongue with a bit of hesitation. It had been hard for both of them, when he told her that he could no longer bear to hear anyone call him Maitimo — the name she had given him.

“Good day to you, Nolofinwe.” She embraced him too. “I hope my son didn’t do something wrong already?”

“No! Why would you think that? I’m not here in any official capacity.” Nolofinwe stared at her as they sat down in her living room.

She’d moved back to her parents’ place, but Mahtan’s house was large and sprawling, accommodating many people, she had her own apartment and workshop. Maedhros had glimpsed the half-finished statue of a bird flying upwards through the crack of the door as they walked past.

“How else should I take you wanting to see me and him?”, Nerdanel asked exasperated. “But it relieves me that this is a private meeting.”

‘Wait till you hear what this is about’, Maedhros thought and took a deep breath. She was his mother, he would not make Nolofiwne tell her. “Mother, we wanted to see you, because we have something to tell you.” His heart was doing his best to jump up his throat, he could barely speak. “Do you… do you know what’s going on sometimes in the banquet hall?”

“Yes. Your grandfather told me, so I wouldn’t walk into something by accident.”

“Nolofinwe and I have that kind of relationship”, Maedhros squeezed out breathlessly.

He blindly reached for Nolofinwe’s hand, but through the tremble in his fingers, he could feel that his lover was as nervous as him.

Nerdanel’s eyes narrowed. “And does Anaire know that?”

“Yes”, Nolofinwe answered quickly. “We have an… arrangement.”

“Good, I want my best friend happy. You have made her very unhappy when you left, Nolofinwe. I’d be very cross with you, if you did so again.”

“I’m doing my best to be the husband she deserves”, Nolofinwe said softly. “Then I won’t lecture you any more.”

“Is that your only concern?”, Maedhros asked a little baffled.

“I had the thankless task of going through your things after you’d left!”, Nerdanel said with flashing eyes. “What do you think I found? Your sexual preferences come as no surprise to me.”

Maedhros’s face heated as he thought of the things he’d left behind, hidden in the back of his wardrobe, but of course she’d found it.

“Your grandfather raised me to be broad-minded. I don’t mind that. And as I doubt you’d tell me about this, if it weren’t serious, I’m sure you already thought extensively about your degree of kinship. I doubt I could say anything that would change your mind.”

“Are you against it?”, Nolofinwe asked.

Maedhros hoped not, he’d feel bad going against her wishes, but they’d known it was a possibility. Nerdanel cocked her head and looked sternly at both of them.

“It does feel strange. You being his uncle and his lord — and with the… difficulties in your relationship with his father.”

“This started before he ever had any power over me”, Maedhros quickly interjected. “He is not exploiting a power imbalance — or trying to get back at father!”

That she would even think that! He hoped this was enough information for her. He did not want to go into more detail about this with his mother.

“I’m relieved to hear that.” Nerdanel closed her eyes. “Well, it does need some getting used to. But I won’t stand in your way, if this is what you want.”

“It is”, Maedhros said, his heart slowing down.

“I hope I don’t have to tell you how this is going to blow up if it becomes public knowledge.” Nerdanel rubbed her forehead. “And there I thought I was moving to the country to be away from the politicking.”

“We know", Nolofinwe said with a sigh. "We are careful. But we didn’t want to hide it from you, when we are going to do it right under your nose. It would have felt disrespectful.”

“You are my mother, you deserve to know about who I love.” Maedhros was relieved when she smiled at him and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“It means a lot to me that you told me.”