The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

AINULINDALË

The Music of the Ainur

There was Eru, the One, who in Arda is called Iluvatar – and he was the Chief Dude. In other words, God. Mess thou not with Him.

And lo! He made the Holy and Sparkly Ones, who are called the Ainur, and who were greatly talented in the art of Music. And they vocalised before Him, and He was rendered exceeding Happy.

And it came to pass that He said unto them, “O Holy and Sparkly Ones! Ye shalt make before me a Great Opera, and ye had better do it well.”

Then the voices of the Ainur, like unto guitars and drums, and synthesisers and hurdy-gurdies, and tambourines and triangles, made this Great Opera. And lo, the Void was not void, and Void became an unsuitable name for the Void yet it remained in name the Void, because it soundeth cool.

Thus, Iluvatar sat in gladness, because the Great Opera was made awesome.

But Melkor, bethinking himself that Rap was cooler than Opera, began to make a Great Rap. This he did because he thought he was made of more awesome than everyone else, and smarter than everyone else—yet if he were smarter, he would not have gone into the Void, seeking the Imperishable Flame, because the Void is Void. And he was the first Non-Conformist.

And behold! Half of the Great Opera Artists beginneth to rap with Melkor. And Iluvatar thought’st it not half-bad, until it got too loud.

So he stood up and declared a new Theme, which was Gregorian Chant, yet in those days it was not called Gregorian Chant, for Gregory existed not. But Melkor persisted in rap, and there were a great number that joined him. Thus the music got screwed up a second time.

Then Iluvatar began yet another Theme, in an effort to make Melkor shut up.

And thus the Ainur discovered that Rap and Baroque are not compatible themes of Music.

And Iluvatar, being highly cheesed off, saith unto Melkor, “Tut tut. Thou naughty knave. Yet thy Rap in the end redounds only to my glory.”

And Iluvatar saith unto the Ainur, “Behold thy Music! Ye have done this deed of awesomeness, in the form of a spherical ball composed of physical Matter, including carbon-based forms of life!”

And the Ainur responded, “Cool!”

But in his thought Melkor too was highly cheesed off, and saith to himself, “Whoop-de-frickin’ doo.”

Yet many of the Ainur, Melkor among their number, greatly desired to hang out in that place. And Melkor fooleth himself into thinking that he would order all things for the Children of Iluvatar, to which some Ainur rolleth their eyes and respondeth, “Yeah right.”

And Iluvatar hadst a heart-to-heart with Ulmo. Whereupon to this day Ulmo and Manwë are good mates.

But the Ainur were quibbling amongst themselves, and so Iluvatar saith unto them: “Eä! The spherical ball composed of physical matter and housing carbon-based forms of life is come into being. Who wants to go down there?”

And the Ainur cried with loud voices saying, “Me! Me! Pick me!”

So some of the Ainur, the Holy and Sparkly Ones, remaineth with Iluvatar, hanging around the Timeless Halls. But the others, who dwell in the confines of the Spherical Ball that Is, are the Valar.

But unfortunately, Melkor went with them. And with a loud voice, he saith unto the other Valar, “I doth rock thy socks and therefore this is my kingdom!”

But Manwë, the brother of Melkor, saith sternly, “We have worked just as hard as thou, so rack thou off.”

And lo! This did absolutely nothing to appease the conflict.

For the Valar couldst do a lot of cool stuff, such as walking through walls and clothing themselves with their own thought.

But as ye brethren can imagine, Melkor when clothed with his own thought looked pretty ugly, and scary too.

Thus began the first battle of the Valar with Melkor for the dominion of Arda, where all things were to be ordered for the good of the Children of Iluvatar.

In which wars, I am sad to say, the earth was completely screwed in the process.

Yet eventually, the earth was made firm—but mightily cheesed off was Melkor, and he was by no means done with trying to steal Arda.

Chapter End Notes

If this annoys people, I will remove it. But if you like it, don't hesitate to review!

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VALAQUENTA

Account of the Valar and Maiar according to the lore of the Eldar

And so, the Elves name the mightiest of the Ainur in Eä the Valar, the Powers of Arda, whom Men have often called gods.

Men are silly.

In the thought of Iluvatar Manwë and Melkor were brethren, though now there doth seem to be a family feud which endureth forever—for their tastes in music do clash. And Manwë is Lord of the Breath of Arda, and he loveth birds. And his spouse Varda joketh sometimes that the reason for this is that his brain is like unto one.

Varda art the Sparkly and Pretty One. She and Manwë dwell on the heights of Oiolossë, the Ever-White, maintaining a Ski Resort for the entertainment of the Eldar. Unless thou livest in a crappy place filled with electric light, at night thou mayest see the stars that she made. And in reverence, the Elves name her Elbereth, and Gilthoniel, and Elentari and a lot of other names – too many names. For those who are held in reverence must perforce have many names.

And lo! The Watery Guy is Ulmo, who is Manwë’s best mate. Yet he is girl-shy, and wandereth where he will throughout the waters. He maketh up for this by befriending Elves and Men.

Aulë loveth dirt. And he maketh pretty jewellery, wherefore every girl should’st hold him in reverence. There would have been friendship ‘twixt him and Melkor, for they were alike in thought and power—but the obstacle to that friendship was that Melkor was evil.

And the spouse of Aulë is Yavanna, the Giver of Fruits, and Kementari, Queen of the Earth, and the One With Not As Many Names As Varda. She loveth flowers and growing things and mouldy stuff. Therefore all housewives call upon her name when cleaning out the fridge. In the form of a woman is tall and dressed in green, but other times she looketh like a tree. Ask thou not how the heck this doth work. Accept the word of the Mighty Professor Tolkien, Lord of Oxford, and question not his Righteous Awesomeness.

The Masters of Spirits, the Fëanturi, are Námo and Irmo, but are called Mandos and Lórien, after the places they doth hang out at.

Mandos, the older of the Brethren, dwelleth in the West of Valinor, and knows much of the future. Hanging out with the Dead maketh one rather morbid and the word ‘fun’ is swearing in Mandos’ ears. Yet despite this, he hath a spouse, Vairë, who doth sit around and weave.

Lórien the younger, is somewhat hippy, being the master of visions and dreams. Spirits of the less dead kind hangeth around his gardens. His spouse, Estë, sleeps all day. A boring existence she must lead, but there thou goest.

And more powerful than Estë is Niënna, the sister of Mandos and Lórien, who doth a lot of crying. Yea, even she didst cry when she was singing in the Great Opera. Yet for some reason, even with all the lamentation, she manageth to teach hope unto the Children of Iluvatar. She dwelleth not where all is glad, for like unto her brother Mandos, ‘fun’ is cussing. And the Dead cry out to her, and she hangeth out with them for a while, teaching them hope. Indeed, Niënna hath a weird job.

And lo! The biggest nut in the bushel is Tulkas, who doth laugh when he is angry. Go thou not to him for help, for he is a lousy counsellor. But though his sanity is often called into question, and he doth somewhat resemble a Viking, he is a good friend. Also in deeds of strength and wrestling he is tireless. His spouse, who doth put up with his barbarian behaviour, is Nessa. She doth like deer and dancing. Whereas Tulkas liketh beer and lancing.

Oromë is less strong than Tulkas but in needing anger management he has no equal. Often he would ride to Middle-Earth on his horse Nahar, whose name art expressive of the Eldar’s affinity in matters of onomatopoeia. In Quenya he is named Aldaron, and in Sindarin Tauron, for he loves trees, as well as hunting fell beasts. His interests are therefore many and divers. He hath also an awesome horn, the Valaróma, which on account of its exceeding loudness disturbeth the sleep of all in Valinor. Oromë’s spouse is Vána the Ever-Young, younger sister of Yavanna. Flowers open when she passes and birds sing at her coming. But she doth not much in particular, except perhaps to look pretty.

Of the Maiar

The Valar hath servants. (Well, how else didst thou expect the Valar to build the earth without a little help?) They are the Maiar.

Ilmarë is the handmaiden of Varda, whatever jobs that entails. And Eönwë is the Herald of Manwë and his banner-bearer, which must be fun. But Ossë and Uinen are best known of all the Maiar—Ossë because he was a trouble-maker, and Uinen because she hath long hair.

Ossë is a servant of Ulmo, who hangeth around the coasts, for he believeth that coasts are cool. And Uinen’s hair lies spread throughout all the waters beneath the sky. And it must get into nasty tangles thereby.

But Melkor coming unto Ossë saith, “Here’s the deal, yo: thou shalt get all the power of Ulmo, if thou servest me.”

And Ossë unto him saith, “That soundeth pretty cool.”

And ruin was wrought to the lands, for Ossë’s need for anger management therapy at times exceeds even Oromë’s.

But his spouse Uinen restrained him at the prayer of Aulë, and bringing him unto Ulmo gave him the best anger management counselling. And they didst work out their differences in a peaceful and rational manner. Thus he serveth Ulmo ever, and told Melkor to stuff it.

Yet it will chance that Ossë forgets himself and rages in his wilfulness, delighting in storm. Wherefore Ulmo must again sedate him with the power of anger management therapy.

And Melian was another Maia, a peaceful hippy type who served Vána and Estë and found true peace and love in the gardens of Lórien. But there shall be more about her later.

And there was yet another Maia, named Olórin, and he was the wisest of all Maiar. Of him the tales of later days only do speak – for he, surprisingly, is Gandalf. I bet that thou didst not know that one.

Of the Enemies

Last of all is Melkor, He Who Arises In Might. But he hath forsaken this name in favour of Morgoth, which he doth believe soundeth scarier. He began with desire for Opera, then descended through fire and wrath into a great burning, and down into Rap. And Rap he used most in his evil works upon Arda—or at least, the Divine Gangster Dude behaviour that cometh thereof.

But nay, he is not alone—for lesser rap artists among the Maiar sought to join him. And among them are the Balrogs—cloaked in shadow, flame and blingage. And his chief servant Sauron, also called Gorthaur the Cruel, was once of the Maiar of Aulendil—but he didst leave and join Melkor for the promise of better pay and an advancement in his career prospects.

And of Melkor it is said that he was a closet pyromaniac. For behold! In later days, his chief servant Sauron became as one in the form of a Giant Flaming Disembodied Eyeball—not to mention the Balrogs, who were all scary and flamey.

Therefore these are the names of the Valar, the Valier and the Maiar, both good and evil. And remember thou these names well.

For the time will come when the Valar will shape the fortunes of all.

 Well, sort of.

Chapter End Notes

**Thank you to Wendy for pointing out grammatical errors. :)

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Lord Elrond of Imladris glanced at the assembled fangirls over the top of the papers that so far comprised the re-written Ainulindalë and Valaquenta.

"I tell you to make a study of The Silmarillion for the purposes of writing fanfiction," he said slowly, "and you completely re-write it without any factual qualities whatsoever."

There was a shared look of nervousness amongst all the girls. The only one brave enough to speak gulped and stammered, "Well, y-you told us to be creative in our approach—"

"So I did. Well." He tossed the papers onto his desk and stood up with his hands behind his back. "Seeing what you have done with the Ainulindalë and Valaquenta, I will be very interested to see how the History of the Silmarils turns out." His tone was neither pleased nor disapproving.

The girls took this as a sign of dismissal. They all breathed a collective sigh of relief and filed out, one by one.

It was perhaps fortunate that Lord Elrond wished that they continue—for the next part was already in the process of being written. As much as the fangirls hated to admit it, studying Elvish lore (and re-writing it) was a lot of fun.

Not, of course, that they would give Lord Elrond the satisfaction of seeing them turn into model fanfiction writers.

~ * * * ~

QUENTA SILMARILLION

The History of the Silmarils

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OF THE BEGINNING OF DAYS

Let us start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.

When thou readest, thou beginest with "A, B, C."

When thou readest about the creation of the world, thou beginest with the Valar and an evil renegade ex-Vala who doth love pulling down the decorations, marring paint jobs and blocking the plumbing.

And Tulkas (the laughing, angry one) bounced down from heaven, and Melkor fled before his wrath and his nuttiness. And lo! Tulkas became one of the Valar, but Melkor brooded in the outer darkness. For unto him Tulkas saith: "Begone! Thy rap doth suck!" And his hate was given to Tulkas forever after.

Behold! In time the Valar didst complete all that was required—the painting, the building, the plumbing systems of Arda—and two lamps were made, Illuin and Ormal, by which was Middle-Earth lit.

And thus was discovered the power of electricity.

Brethren, once again ask not how this worketh. Rather accept and believe the word, and receive Tolkien into thy hearts. Even if, technically, he didst make no mention of electricity in his work.

And the Valar didst sit back and relax on the Isle of Almaren. For they believed that Melkor could now do them no harm (by which belief, it must be said, they were highly deluded).

And this was the Spring of Arda, called so even though there were no flowers, a fact by which we are mightily confused. And Tulkas during this time didst espouse Nessa. He couldst not have picked a worse time.

For little did the Valar know that Melkor, having built his evil stronghold Utumno in the North, didst mess around with the lamp wiring. Thus it short-circuited.

And when Melkor and his army bore down upon Almaren, they came with fire in order to appease Melkor's pyromaniacal urges.

Indeed, the first designs of the Valar were utterly screwed.

But Tulkas being mightily pissed ran after Melkor, shouting, "I am angry! Ha ha ha haa! And when I'm angry I doth laugh! Ha ha ha haa! Thou didst ruin my wedding feast! Ha ha ha haa!"

And Melkor being mightily freaked out saith unto himself, "Holy socks," and disappeared into Utumno ere Tulkas could laugh him to death.

Therefore the Valar moved to the continent of Aman, establishing themselves in Valinor, and built themselves a city called Valmar.

And the Valar saith amongst themselves, "Behold—electricity hath failed us," for they knew not that, had they wired up the lamps properly in the first place, then Melkor would not have stuffed up the wiring, and the short circuiting would have happened not.

So, whilst the other Valar sat in the Ring of Doom (and remember thou the word doom, for it shall become of great import) Yavanna and Nienna didst sit around on a random mound outside Valmar, Yavanna singing and Nienna crying all over it, wherefrom two Trees sprung. One was of silver, and had about ten thousand names in Elvish, and the other of gold, having twice as many names as the silver—for the Elves are eager to bestow every name they can think of on anything pretty and shiny, like trees and Varda. And the Trees grew swiftly, and bore their own light, silver and gold.

Nienna therefore must have done a lot of crying. And Yavanna's vocal chords must have had it.

And coming to the mound the other Valar didst lift up their voices in gladness, saying: "Hey, check ye this out! Glowing trees!"

And Yavanna and Nienna didst simultaneously facepalm.

Therefore the Valar didst proclaim this deed to be a Deed of Awesomeness, and the Days of the Bliss of Valinor ensued, in which drunken rioting amidst the Maiar for several days was involved. In this time, presumably, was miruvor made, the drink of the Blessed, of which rumour says a thimbleful wouldst make an Elf dead-drunk for three days straight.

Alas, that the Valar did not know that the making of the Trees wouldst prove to be more of a problem than electric lamps!

But Melkor in Middle-Earth didst spread forth his evil, and his bad singing knew no bounds. Oromë who didst ride across Middle-Earth was able to put an end to it, but after his passing then alas! The lands of Middle-Earth didst become filled with shadows and deceit, where some rather shady deals involving some of Yavanna's plants didst take place.

And Yavanna being against such shady deals urged the other Valar to make war on Melkor.

But Aulë in his smart-arsey-ness saith unto his wife: "That is what thou gettest for making weed."

And in this Yavanna was silent.

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OF AULË AND YAVANNA

Aulë, it is said, wished to teach the Children of Ilúvatar his lore and crafts.

But alas! The Children of Ilúvatar had not yet shown up.

And verily, he didst decide to create beings of his own. Yet this was not a good move in the sight of the Lord, for once the Dwarves—for this is the name Aulë's short, bearded things were known by ever after—were full-wrought, a booming voice came down unto Aulë, saying: "What the frick dost thou think thou art doing? These beings (which look rather strange) can only move by the power of thy mind, and thy neuronal connections are alas, not enough to be able to achieve this. They shall stand idle, whilst though dost prance around in thy forge. Is that thy desire?"

And Aulë feeling chastened saith unto Ilúvatar: "I did not desire such douchebaggery. I only wished to share my skills. Yet I have thus fallen into folly."

And Ilúvatar rolling his eyes saith: "Thou dost not say."

And Aulë feeling even more chastened responded: "I shall destroy these things of my presumption."

But Ilúvatar answered unto Aulë: "Nay, stay thy hand. Death by hammer is unethical and inhumane. And furthermore, I have given thy creatures life."

And lo! Aulë nearly squeed as the fangirls do and ran riot about the cave, and didst a happy dance. But Ilúvatar was not finished.

"Tarry a moment, Aulë, and do not break out the miruvodka™," said he, "for thy children shall sleep beneath the mountains and only come forth when mine do. But there shall always be strife between the children of my adoption and the children of my choice henceforth."

And thus Aulë, knowing now that he wouldst not get into trouble with Ilúvatar, sought to tell his wife Yavanna of the Dwarves.

But Yavanna's heart didst fill with worry, for the Dwarves, and the Children of Ilúvatar, wouldst need to cut down her trees. And she went to Manwë, asking him: "Is it true that the Children will have rule over the things of my work?"

And Manwë seeing Yavanna's concerned countenance saith: "Um…yeah. About that."

And Yavanna saith: "But shall there be nothing in my realm that will be protected? Of all the things I have made the trees I hold most dear. Would that there would be something to protect the trees and speak out against those who wrong them!"

And Manwë giving Yavanna a strange look answered thus: "Thou art seriously weird."

And Yavanna giggled crazily and saith: "I know."

So ignoring her Manwë sought counsel with Ilúvatar, who knew of Yavanna's strange impulses. And having had his divine chat he saith unto Yavanna: "Behold! When the Firstborn Children of Ilúvatar awaken, so shall the spirits who shall guard the trees."

And Yavanna was glad, saying: "High shall the trees grow, so that the eagles of Manwë shall nest in them, never minding that eagles like to live up in the mountains!"

But Manwë looked down upon her sternly, and she didst mutter to herself, "Male pride issues."

Yet he didst not hear these words and saith: "Nay, not the eagles, but the shepherds of the trees shall be the guardians of thy freaking forests. Now please get thee gone, for thou art giving me a headache."

So Yavanna went away, her heart gladdened, for her forests would be afforded the protection of powerful spirits, who in later times were known as Ents.

Thus the "Save the Trees of Arda" Society was founded, and of which in later Ages Legolas Prince of Mirkwood, otherwise known as The Elf of Great Hotness*, became a member.

Chapter End Notes

* The Elf of Great Hotness features in "The Fanfiction Testament".

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OF THE COMING OF THE ELVES AND THE CAPTIVITY OF MELKOR

And thus the Valar didst mope around in Valinor, and none save Oromë and Yavanna came ever to the lands of Middle Earth, for the bad singing of Melkor and his servants was ever a strain on their eardrums when they chose to be corporeal.

But in the North Melkor didst steadily build his stronghold, and the fortress of Angband on the north-western shores of the sea. And lo! in Utumno he didst gather his demons around him, those spirits of fire who first adhered to him in the days of his Bling, and who remained with him when he didst become a Tacky Corporate Sell-Out (although corporations existed not, so once again ask not how the frick this doth work). And terror went before them, and they didst carry whips of flame. Dwell not over long on the dodgy connotations this doth entail.

And after yet a little while, the Valar didst hold council, being troubled by the tidings of the One With Not As Many Names As Varda and the One Who Needeth Anger Management Therapy.

And Yavanna saith unto the Lords of the West: "Ye Mighty of Arda, the hour of the coming of the Children draweth nigh! And yet the land of their dwelling remaineth in darkness. Shall they call The Lord of Too Much Tacky Blingage Lord while Bird-Brain here sitteth upon Taniquetil?"

And Manwë protesteth, saying: "OI! Only Varda is allowed to call me Bird-Brain!"

And Tulkas the One Who Needeth A Padded Cell didst cry out: "Nay, let us make war!"

But Estë and Lórien didst point at their matching robes with the colourful lettering: "Make Ye Love, Not War."

And Tulkas The Mad pouted and saith: "I want to fight people and blow their heads off! Ha ha ha haa!"

But at the bidding of Manwë Mandos didst say unto Tulkas: "Thou fool! Explosives haven't been invented yet." And at the sulking of Tulkas he added, "It is doom that the Elves shall come in darkness, and to Varda the Pretty and Sparkly shall they ever call in their need." And in a loud voice that didst echo impressively, he added, "DOOOOOOOMMMM."

Lo! Varda goeth from the council, and beginneth a great labour. And being keen on things that are Pretty and Sparkly (but not pseudo-vampires of this kind, alas), she didst make new stars and constellations. And among them are: Carnil and Luinil, Alcarinquë and Elemmirë she didst make; and Randomwë and Unpronóuncablë; Ilúvdiacritics and Sparklendil, and many others of similar name.

And behold! When she didst finish, the Elves didst awake. And the first thing they saw were the stars. Therefore they gaveth them all manner of ridiculously long names, and ever do they revere Varda the Pretty and Sparkly. Or Varda the Sparkly and Pretty, whichever thou dost prefer.

And it is said that at the sight of the stars the Elves first didst cry out, "Ele," meaning, "Behold!" or "Holy shit!" or "OMG SPARKLEEZ!11!" for no one canst agree on what it didst mean. And lo, even some do tell that its true meaning is, "The fox whose fur was the colour of rich soil reached a certain velocity in order to jump over a dog whose slothful habits necessitated the performance of the aforementioned task."

Whilst themselves they named the Quendi, signifying those who speak with voices. Which after the colourful meanings of "ele" doth seem a trifle anticlimactic.

Lo, Oromë didst tell his fellow Valar about the coming of the Elves, and they didst have the brilliant idea of inviting them to stay in Valinor. Note thou the sarcasm.

The Eldar were they who didst follow the Vala to Valinor; and the Avari were they who did not, refusing to conform. And they were the Second Non-Conformists.

And the Eldar were sundered into three tribes - or clans, if thou dost prefer, in the spirit of political correctness in all things. Ingwë didst lead the Vanyar; Finwë the Noldor; and the Teleri were led by Elwë The Paranoid.

And they didst take forever to get there, yet eventually they did. Even the Teleri, who didst lag behind to take in the aesthetically pleasing environment that was Middle-Earth.

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