The Silmarillion Gospel by Araloth the Random

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Fanwork Notes

A number of people have expressed their enthusiasm in the idea of my doing a Silmarillion version of ‘The Fanfiction Testament’, which I wrote for Lord of the Rings (and which has now been nominated for MEFA 2010!). So this is a parody of The Silmarillion, written in Biblical style and all in good fun. Enjoy!

The SplutterThe SplutterMost Delightful HeresyThe Splutter

Fanwork Information

Summary:

What happens when a group of clueless fangirls try to "translate" The Silmarillion into Biblical English? Utter chaos, of course!

Nominated for MEFA 2010, with many thanks to elfscribe!

Major Characters: Dwarves, Elves, Maiar, Sons of Fëanor, Valar

Major Relationships:

Genre: Humor

Challenges:

Rating: Teens

Warnings: Expletive Language, Sexual Content (Mild)
Chapters: 5 Word Count: 4, 261
Posted on 22 December 2009 Updated on 25 July 2010

This fanwork is a work in progress.

Table of Contents

Murder on the High Cs
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Thank you for your support - this story is continuing. :) Enjoy!

Let's Start At The Very Beginning

I have nothing against rap—it's just not really my cuppa tea. I chose it for Melkor because it's just about the polar opposite of early music. ;)

And I will warn you now that the updates will be sporadic—well, most of my stories are a bit like that, actually, but this one is just a fun fic I do on the side. Uni has been seriously kicking my arse and I've only been there for a week and a half!

Thank you all for the comments and support. Keep 'em coming!

In Which Aule Stuffs Things Up
The Elves Goeth Marching One By One

Thank you so much for all your reviews! :)

Comments

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Remove this!?  Are you out of your mind?  This is hilarious!

I'm hard pressed to pick out any one bit that is The Funniest, so I'll just say that "We worked just as hard as thou, so rack thou off" elicted an audible chortle but this...this...

like unto guitars and drums, and synthesisers and hurdy-gurdies, and tambourines and triangles

...sent me well and truly over the edge.

Thumb's up.  And LOL's for good measure. 

Then Iluvatar began yet another Theme, in an effort to make Melkor shut up.

And thus the Ainur discovered that Rap and Baroque are not compatible themes of Music.

 And he was the first Non-Conformist

*Snort*.

I love the antique prose of the Silm, and write with all the 'thee's and thou's' myself, but I don't see why any-one should find this offensive.  It's rather Monty Python-esque. :D

 But in his thought Melkor too was highly cheesed off, and saith to himself, “Whoop-de-frickin’ doo.”

Yet many of the Ainur, Melkor among their number, greatly desired to hang out in that place. And Melkor fooleth himself into thinking that he would order all things for the Children of Iluvatar, to which some Ainur rolleth their eyes and respondeth, “Yeah right.”

Hahaha!

 

 

Please don't worry about offending or annoying people by parodying or playing with the original texts--not here anyway. Thou art not on FFN anymore! ;) A lot of people on that site need a better sense of perspective. I have to agree with Lethe and Pandemonium that this was hilarious--very well done, and I hope you'll continue. My favorites were the line Pande cited about the hurdy-gurdy (which I've been told was sometimes pictured in medieval art as a torture implement) and also, "So he stood up and declared a new Theme, which was Gregorian Chant, yet in those days it was not called Gregorian Chant, for Gregory existed not." Oh dear--that does throw a wrench in the cogs! :D I do hope you'll continue; "Of Beren and Luthien" would be brilliant in your style!

I posted it on FFN and they seemed to like it there too, so I guess it's all good. :) I think I will continue, once I get the time! LOL, a torture implement. Wouldn't be at all surprised if that was true. Thank you so much for having confidence in me and for taking the time to review!

Men are silly.

*snort*

Accept the word of the Mighty Professor Tolkien, Lord of Oxford, and question not his Righteous Awesomeness.

You know, there are people who do just that. d;-) 

She doth like deer and dancing. Whereas Tulkas liketh beer and lancing.

*Splutters.*

 Gorthaur the Cruel, was once of the Maiar of Aulendil—but he didst leave and join Melkor for the promise of better pay and an advancement in his career prospects.

Well, he was ever a canny one, ask Pandë!

Being slightly cabin-fevery with the snow, I needed this laugh today! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Haha, I thought some of those lines might have gotten a bit of attention. I'm glad they made you laugh! Cabin fever? Sounds nasty. We're having a nasty Aussie summer over here and I have no tan to show for it despite being burnt to a crisp. Thanks for the review!

Araloth, it is hard to know where to begin. I had to conceal the more boisterous laughter since I already alarmed Teh Husband once this evening, laughing at fannish-related stuff. Once again, your balance of the archaic and modern is perfect! Let's see, some favorite lines ...

here would have been friendship ‘twixt him and Melkor, for they were alike in thought and power—but the obstacle to that friendship was that Melkor was evil.

Ask thou not how the heck this doth work.

The Masters of Spirits, the Fëanturi, are Námo and Irmo, but are called Mandos and Lórien, after the places they doth hang out at. (Especially because a modernism that drives me bananas is the need to end a perfectly good sentence with an extra at! "Where are you at?" Nrgh!)

Of him the tales of later days only do speak – for he, surprisingly, is Gandalf. I bet that thou didst not know that one.

Thank you for continuing this--it was much enjoyed! :D

Edited to add ... I have to agree with Spiced Wine, too! The bit about believing the Awesome Professor Tolkien is much-appreciated considering the ridiculous reverence many of his fans have for him; no wonder he knew us as his "deplorable cult." :)

Oops! Well, if you failed to conceal any boisterous laughter whilst reading this then please offer my profound apologies to your husband. :P LOL, I love Tolkien to pieces and I probably would be one of those people who hold him in 'ridiculous reverence' if I hadn't been introduced to the art of parody writing a few years ago. :) Thanks for the review, Dawn!

Upon an eve in Salford, Wendy did giggle, snigger and disport herself in laughter of divers kinds. For behold, the story she did read was most funny, and she had a great weakness for parodies, yea, even those that did verily take the mickey out of Tolkien, Lord of Arda and Legendariums in general. 

But Wendy did sigh and bewail the fact that, as a nitpicker, she must needs point out minor, tidgy details that the author she loved greatly didst overlook in her desire to amuse her friends.

 

for he [art] is a lousy counsellor.

 

And it must get into nasty tangles [thereof] thereby.

Best line:

Wherefore Ulmo must again sedate him with the power of anger management therapy.

Great stuff! Thanks for posting this!

Thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it. My sense of humour is, I have been told, a little weird, but I'm happy to know someone likes it! Yes, Orome needs anger management - but I suspect that half the Valar need therapy of some kind or another. They've probably been facepalming their way through their government of the world. =D Thanks for the review!

Too funny. 

"Ask thou not how the heck this doth work. Accept the word of the Mighty Professor Tolkien, Lord of Oxford, and question not his Righteous Awesomeness."

"Divine Gangster Dude"

"Gorthaur the Cruel, was once of the Maiar of Aulendil—but he didst leave and join Melkor for the promise of better pay and an advancement in his career prospects."

ROTF 

"But Tulkas being mightily pissed ran after Melkor, shouting, "I am angry! Ha ha ha haa! And when I'm angry I doth laugh! Ha ha ha haa! Thou didst ruin my wedding feast! Ha ha ha haa!"

I really did LOL at this.  And the many names of the trees, and the "Deed of Awesomeness" and Aule's admonishing Yavanna for making weed.  *snorts*

You know, this story has been one of my favs here ever since you posted the first chapter, and it only keeps getting better with each update.

Randomwë and Unpronóuncablë

ROTFL!

And being keen on things that are Pretty and Sparkly (but not pseudo-vampires of this kind, alas)

LMFAO!

Thank you :D :D :D

Aww, thanks! I was under the impression that it was getting dodgier each chapter but maybe the long breaks between posts have been doing my writing some good after all. :P And the Twilight reference...I actually bothered to read the first book because one of my friends was bugging me about it. ;) Thanks for reviewing!

I was under the impression that it was getting dodgier each chapter but maybe the long breaks between posts have been doing my writing some good after all. :P And the Twilight reference...I actually bothered to read the first book because one of my friends was bugging me about it.

You don't have to worry at all :) I grinned like a mad woman when I saw the notification e-mail about the newest update. Keep posting when you can :)

Moreover, real vampires do not sparkle, says she who delves in True Blood fanfiction, too ;)

This is the second time I read this chapter and you still managed to make me laugh uproariously! (I am AiedailWing in FFN. ;)) Oh my. Laugh-triggers in every paragraph!

 

I didn't tell you which I loved the most in this when I reviewed this story in FFN, did I? Well, it's got to be rectified. *grin* I love the sentence about the Void up there, and Melkor's seeking the Imperishable Flame in it. (Of course! A void is a void is a void, so nothing's in there!) And the latter is why I love this story aside from the great humor: You get one tickling and lasting stuff when you combine humor and - cheeky - logic!

 

Speaking about your end notes, though... Was there someone wanting you to remove this story from anywhere?

 

And congrats for the two "The Splutter" awards! I'll add the third... ;)

 

- Rey