Letters by chrissystriped

Chapter Four

Warnings for this chapter: mention of past-rape; suicidal thoughts; mention of mercy killing

My dear Nolofinwe,

I decided to send this letter after all. I can’t live with keeping it to myself, and thus not trusting you. I know you won’t turn away. I’m sorry for the smudged state and the strange letters. It is a writing system invented by a Sinda but I first encountered it being used by the Khazâd. Its straight lines are easier to write for me. I’m not sure you’ll even be able to puzzle it out. I’ll attach a list showing corresponding cirth and tengwar.

I feel better now. Maglor made me drink something that brought me sleep. (I hate taking drugs, they make me helpless, but they helped.) I’m sorry I can’t play today, I still feel too raw but the world seems brighter after a good sleep. I hope this won’t startle you too much. I have bad days sometimes. My brothers find reasons to check on me regularly, so I’m not alone. Please don’t worry.

I love you,
Maedhros

I can’t sleep. I’ve been awake for days now, but I can’t close my eyes without His haunting me. Last week a patrol brought in an elf – from Angband. Again. He’s not the first ‘escapee’ finding their way to Himring. He’s sending them to mock me. Their minds are broken. I can see it in their eyes. I can see that it’s Him talking, even when they beg me to help them. It’s no longer them in there. I know it. I felt it myself. Sometimes I wonder, if I’m still trustworthy. Maybe He’s just playing with me, too. Maybe He’s just waiting for the right moment to turn me on my own people. But he doesn’t have to, does he? I betrayed you before...

I killed him myself, like the others. It’s the only mercy I can give them. And it is a mercy. To die in the open, under the clear sky. I have to tell myself that. I have to remember that this blood on my hands is not my fault, it’s His...

I wish you were here, Nolofinwe. Not to dominate. Not today. There are times, when your submission gives me strength. But today I wish I could lay my head in your lap and feel your hand stroking my hair. I want to cry like a child and believe it when you tell me that I’ll be okay – we’ll be okay. And I want to fall asleep in your arms and feel save.

I’m so tired...

I’m pathetic. You don’t come to me to carry my burdens. I fear you’d turn away in disgust if you could see me now. I’m an impostor. I’m not your Prince Nelyafinwe...

They call me strong for surviving. I don’t feel strong. How was it strong to let Him rape me, let Him live out his sick desires on me –  continung to torment me with these poor, broken souls. I’m so afraid to recognise one of them. He kept the soldiers taken with me alive, did I tell you that? He would hurt them if I defied him or made a mistake. What if he sends one of them to me like this?

I’m a kinslayer. I still slay my kin. Does it make it any better that I do it out of compassion now? You must hate me so much. I hate myself, this broken body, this broken soul. I just want to vanish. I think of the Oath a lot. The everlasting darkness doesn’t sound so bad sometimes.

 ~*~*~

Dear Maedhros,

I’m very much worried about your letter. I’m also relieved that you trust me enough to show this to me and I want you to know that I am by your side. Always. I’m coming. I will tell my people that you invited me to inspect the fortress, to make it look official, so better be prepared. Expect me in about three weeks.

I love you,
Nolofinwe

Chapter End Notes

Nolofinwe is on his way to Himring now, so cronologically it continues with the next story in the series called 'Always there for you'.