The Condensed Silmarillion by Cheeky

Manwë is the Boss and Don't You Forget It

Manwë is the Boss, and Don't you Forget it!

After Eärendil had sloped off leaving the Valar behind him, back to Elwing and his Sailors on the beach the Valar had a huddle.

Remember meetings are one of the things they do.

Often,
Constantly,
All the time.

Mandos is terribly bothered that a Man has sullied their precious Valinor.
"What are we going to do? He can't come here and live!"

Ok let's be honest here. Mandos is obviously just trying to get them to kill off Eärendil so he can have the new shiny, pretty, half elf all to himself in his Halls.

Ulmo, the Valar with more common sense than the rest of them combined, sees right through him and proceeds to give them all a lecture on Finweian genetics.
"He is Fingolfin's great grandson." He points out.

I guess maybe hiding behind their mountains the Valar hadn't kept up to date with who had been shagging who in the House of Finwë.

Mandos gets the huff, seeing his shiny, pretty, thing sliding away from him.

"Well those Noldor who were so rude to us can't come back here either!" He says. 
But it doesn't get him anywhere. Sorry Mandos, there is no way they are going to let you get your hands on Eärendil. Give it up already.

Manwë pulls rank and gives judgement. Manwë loves pulling rank AND giving judgement. 
His punishment for Eärendil and Elwing daring to come to Valinor? That they will never be allowed to leave.
Newsflash Manwë, They didn't want to go back to Middle Earth anyway.....not really a punishment is it? Way to go, rewarding bad behaviour. 

Then, the excitement of being the boss goes to his head. He gives them and their sons and all their future descendants......( oh you DO remember they have sons then....) the chance to choose who they want to be, Elves or Men. 

Um Manwë, isn't this going a bit beyond your brief? Isn't this something Eru himself should be in control of?

Surprise, surprise, Elwing chose to be an immortal, pretty, perfect Elf. Why would she want to get old and die? Elwing is the pinnacle of the shallowness of elves.

Eärendil tries to tell us he really wants to be a man but chooses to be an elf only because his wife did. Pull the other one Eärendil, We KNOW you don't want to go back to Middle Earth, you told us so yourself, and we KNOW all about the sailing round in circles to avoid going home to Elwing. There is no way you really want to spend immortality with her.  

In the end he doesn't have to. The Valar take his golden oared boat, hallow it, put him in it Silmaril still on his head to sail across the sky like a star. They do this just to put two fingers up at the Son's of Fëanor.
To say, "Ha, ha we have your Silmaril!"

And so that poor Elrond, for the rest of his long years in Middle Earth gets to look up at the sky every night and think, "There goes Dad, who didn't give a toss about me."

The Valar have a real nasty streak.

And this is where it gets really odd because Tolkien now wants us to believe that Maedhros, beautiful, honourable, broken Maedhros driven to insanity by the oath forcing him to reclaim all the Silmarils, on seeing his precious Silmaril which he has killed his own kin for sailing across the sky says,

"Fair one guys, now everyone can see it, I'm really happy about about that."

Said no Feanorian EVER!!! 
Let alone Maedhros.

As if we would ever believe that.