The Scented Pleasure Garden by whitewave

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The Fëanariapsida

HairCommander - Fingon; IronNoble - Angrod;  Silverfist - Celebrimbor

From Dictionary.com: 
Bumper crop -  an unusually large crop growth and harvest
Cash crop – any crop that is considered as easily marketable such as wheat or cotton

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Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!  

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions and races of Arda. 

This hobby will yield several hours of loud moaning, toe-curling and explosive pleasure. 
(Note:  It will not, however, help you promote world peace, banish diseases or help you win the Nobel Peace Prize, but no promises were made in that quarter.)

Just follow our Steps for Success and you’re on your way!

First.    Select a plot. A plot that works for you.  But remember, that there can never be a perfect plot, which is why “fan-fiction manuals” abound.  There are several varieties of plot:  Fanon, Canon, Mixed or Filler.

Fanon – are usually preferred by beginners who are too lazy to read the grower’s manuals. 
Pros:   Has very large capacity for creativity
Cons:   Sometimes results in extremely mutated versions of plants (i.e. orc brambles); or highly unlikely “AU” varieties (i.e. neon blue leaves, platinum blond and meek Fëanor plants).   Highly susceptible to “flamers” (fire-breathing plant pests).  

Canon -- can only be used by the original plot owners (who are very few)

Pros:  Has limited room for creativity as it often has set, stifling borders.   Much like a corset.  
Cons:  Low or almost non-existent incidence of flamers affliction, but not so fun.  Defeats the purpose of “fan-fiction manuals”.

Mixed/Filler -- the favorite of most growers, as it offers creativity but does not stifle. 
Pros:   Very resistant to “flamers”
Cons:   May be intimidating or confusing for beginners as it is difficult to balance fanon vs. canon concentration in the soil.  Sometimes results in mild to violent infestation of “Mary Sue” WildFlowers, a kind of weed, depending on the skill of the grower/gardener.  

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For this chapter, we are featuring our favorite family, the Fëanariapsida.  Always a popular choice for our lascivious growers especially for their prodigious procreative capacity and “in-a-blink-of-a-second” regenerative capability. 

Acres upon acres of smut, both online and offline, have been devoted to this one-of-a-kind family.   Rightfully so, for they hold the untarnished reputation of producing seven wondrously formed studs from only one pair of monogamous cultivars! 

Scientific Name
Kingdom:  Royal Noldorin
Division:  Miriel
Class:  Fëanariapsida
Order:   Valinorean Quendi
Family:  Dysfunctionalensum

Common Name
Magnificent Seven, Kinslayers, Silmaril Fixation, Stud Harem, Viagril Petals, Ladyelleth's or Elleth's Grooms

Trivia:  Used as an emblem for “Hot Monogamy” Society

This particular family of “Male” Flowers have several sub-varieties depending on the type of plot that you choose. A veritable kaleidoscope of colors are available that will suit any mood:   Humor, Angst, Science Fiction, Drama, Romance, and so on.   The most popular though is Erotica.  Most growers are of the opinion that that's the only thing that they are good for. 

There are also some growers who insist on Slash, but this will not yield any blooms as this particular variety are testosterone-charged and any attempt to “convert” them will only result in withered, but still elongated, stamens.  More details on that below. 

And what’s more, these blooms are not very particular about the type of plot so long as you give an inordinate amount of attention to their fair and well-formed good-looks.  It is recommended that they are planted in positions that are well-exposed to sunlight or starlight although they have been known to perform well in most positions. Please see Eldarin Kama Sutra for specifications. 

Exception:  These plants are not suitable for Helcaraxe regions.

To help the adult “Magnificent Seven” blooms stay healthy and glowing, you will need to place 3 glowing crystal balls near their roots (look at our Super Silmaril fertilizer balls Catalogue for prices). 

Warning:   Please do not plant in plots that are in close proximity to Morgoth shrubs or any blooms that were grafted from Indis.  The Fëanariopsida family is resistant to most types of orc-bramble, including Urukhai-hands.  Do not plant alongside plants from Fingolfinopsida or Finarfinopsida classes or face the sorry consequences. 

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Steps in Planting:

The beginning phases of growing this rare species are a bit complicated but you will soon learn that the results are well worth it. 

First, select a sturdy “grandfather” stalk—regular Finwë varieties grown from Cuivienien are the best even if they are worth a High King's ransom.  You have to plant this swollen stalk in a pot and pair it with a “grandmother” flower of the Therinde variety (not Serinde!).  Any Seamstress variety wilting flower can be used as substitute since these don’t last very long, withering soon after bearing the first fiery bloom. 

But do not let your hearts be troubled! You can always re-use the expensive Finwë stalk with a more sturdy if not quite anemic Indis (a.k.a. Evil Step Mother plant).   It is the only “bigamist” male stalk among all Eldarin plants. 

Finwë and Therinde will produce the very rare but outstanding Fëanaro BlackHorny (also known as Lindale's Onion in some Avarin botanical manuals).  After this, Therinde would have withered but do not dispose of it yet!   Fëanaro BlackHorny is a bit tricky to handle, so you will have to wrap it in the withered Therinde until it can stand on its own.  (Note:   There is no such variety as Fëanaro BlondHorny,  Fëanaro RedHairedHorny or even Fëanaro BrunetteHorny.  Any claims on the contrary are probably due to high concentrations of loose Fanon plot and low creative protein.)

Choose an isolated corner of your garden with no other plants in the near vicinity,  most especially Fingolfinopsida or Finarfinopsida classes.  Better yet, place Fëanaro BlackHorny and Nerdanel in their very own garden to reduce the risks of a very gory PlantSlaying event.  You have been warned. 

The Fëanaro BlackHorny should be paired with a Nerdanel “mother” plant even before it reaches full maturity because this male plant is particularly fond of constant, prolonged bonding.  Do not graft an Indis or any other female plant with the Fëanaro BlackHorny or it will turn violently carnivorous and might even chew your hands off.   You have been warned. 

Place the two “parent” plants together by grafting Nerdanel into male plant and cover immediately with an opaque, finely-woven plant net for modesty's sake (yours, not theirs).  This should be kept on at ALL times, except during the birthing phase.    If in case the  Fëanaro BlackHorny is afflicted with “Oathing” pestilence, the Nerdanel might break off of the grafting.  To avoid this, place glowing crystal balls around the plants to cure the affliction.  If this pestilence goes unchecked, growers run the risk of having their vehicles, property and even their very bodies overrun by the Fëanaro BlackHorny or having a raging fire consume their entire garden.  Fëanaro BlackHorny are also known to have auto-combustible properties. 

Growers are also strongly advised to prevent this “Oathing” pestilence at all costs because the “Magnificent Seven” are easily susceptible to it once the “father” plant is fully-afflicted.  Super Silmaril Fertilizer balls are highly recommended.

Please ensure that any person younger than 18 go NOWHERE near these “parent” plants unless you want to explain about Eldarin Kama Sutra to a 3-year-old.  You have been warned. 

From this pairing will result the acclaimed “Magnificent Seven”.  This is a famous bumper and cash crop for many plot makers and growers.  Not only do they yield a beautifully vibrant and varied set of blooms, they can also be paired with any female plant species and produce wondrous, bushel-loads of “population explosion blooms”!

While it is advisable to commendable to pair them with “virgin” female plants, please be advised that the “Magnificent Seven” have particularly robust and well-endowed stamens and said “virgin” plants might not survive the first extremely vigorous coupling, unless they or YOU like that sort of thing.  You have been warned. 

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“Magnificent Seven”   -   An Oath in Every Petal

1)  Russandol -  the High Jumper, Well-Endowed, Nelyafinwe, Maitimo, Well-Formed Ones, Kimtimo

Has the longest and tallest stalk; Perfectly-shaped anatomy,  only has red-topped varieties.   It can grow in ever-cold, hilly locations, but NEVER in Helcaraxe. 

Do not plant along stiff cliffs or towering precipices as the bloom might fall off.  Do not hang over an arbor or it might wither and die.   Do not expose to burning wood as it may “stand aside” and thereby ruin the perfect symmetry of your garden lay-out.

Also well-known among “Slash” followers.   It has been claimed that Russandol will bond with a HairCommander plant when left alone together for extended periods of time.  No strong evidence can be presented to support this.  And besides, Russandol stalks usually fall-off when exposed to a HairCommander plant because HairCommander has built-in “scissor” leaves.

If you believe that there are yellow, brown or black varieties of Russandol, then you might as well believe that a blue tiger or a vegetarian crocodile are possible.  Do not be so gullible.

2)  Macalaure – Strong Gold, Horny Harpist, Rhapsody's Bard, Rhapsody's Toy, Canafinwe, Lintalómë's Lollipop

The name might sound like a cigarette or beer brand, but do not be deceived.  This bloom is the subject of many songs and poems but especially of maudlin drama or angst fiction.    Is known to thrive in seaside locations.    It is suggested that you play classical music near the plant every morning and evening to maintain its health.

Does not grow well with Daeron Sindar varieties in the vicinity as both plants have a natural animosity towards each other will attempt to strangle each other's roots and cut-off water supply. 

3)  Hasty Riser – Glorious Blond, Platinum Blond, Peroxide Flush, The Fair , Los Gloriol's Muse, Tyelkormo, Celegorm, Turkafinwe, Rhapsody's Other Muse

The subject of much controversy mainly because of its color.   The most popular are the yellow varieties but some growers insist that the real color should be dark.  This produces the lightest color spectrum in all of the 7 brother plants.

No  matter what its real color may be, this bloom does not grow well in caves or enclosed spaces.   It has been claimed that its petals should be sprayed regularly with fresh blood to maintain its sheen, but no veritable proof exists to support this claim.  Again, do not be so gullible.

4)  Red-Faced – the Dark, the DarkHorse, the Dark Knight, Batman, Bruce Wayne, Mr Darcy, Caranthir, Carnistir, Morifinwe

The most mysterious-looking of all the Magnificent Seven and some growers claim, very high-maintenance.  This produces the darkest color spectrum in all of the 7 brother plants.  It is the only one of the 7 Brother plants to thrive in dark, sunless areas.

Do not place in the vicinity of an Iron-Noble plant from the Finarfinopsida class.  This bloom tolerates the presence of Naugrim stunted shrubs.   It seems to show preference for Halethian “female” plants.

5)  Daddy’s Favourite – Junior, Curvo, Mini-Me, Atarinke, Curufinwe 

This bloom has a very striking resemblance to Fëanaro BlackHorny.  Might come with a “bonus” bloom called “Silverfist” which also has a striking resemblance to Fëanaro BlackHorny.   

To distinguish between the three blooms, Silverfist has ring-like protrusions in its stalks and arrow-like thorns along its petals, while the Fëanaro BlackHorny is ALWAYS grafted to Nerdanel.  So use your brains every now and then--the remaining one would most likely be “Daddy’s Favorite”.  

It grows well with Hasty Riser and does not thrive in enclosed spaces or caves.   It also has “auto-combustible” properties like Fëanaro BlackHorny and should be kept away from open flame.  

6 & 7) Ambarussa – Pityo/Telvo, Copper Tops, Umbarto/Ambarto, Losgarine Torch,  Fated/Fortunate, The Perky Twins, Gemini, Castor/Pollux, Fred/George,  Little/Last, B1/B2, Mama’s Boys, Doppelganger

One of the most famous varieties, hence the many nicknames.  When grown together with its brother-plants, it usually occupies the most protected and enclosed spot. 
This bloom shares the lovely coppery red of Russandol, but has more varieties in terms of spectrum.  Do not plant on islands or near rivers as it will not thrive.  Do not transport by sea either as this makes it prone to burning.   The leaves are highly-combustible.   You have been warned.

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Steps for Breeding:

Just place any of the above “Magnificent Seven” blooms with any “female” flower plant in a plot hole or any planting bed (preferrably King-sized or larger).  The elongated and widely-girthed male stamen will find its way to the female orifice without any assistance.  But you can always guide it with your hand, if you prefer.  Fertilization will then proceed immediately and constantly, round-the-clock. You may watch them if you are interested in that sort of thing.

If you want to “practice” your blooms, you may use Mary Sue Wildflowers, which are hardy and easily disposable after use.  But better keep sufficient stock of these sturdy wildflowers if only to keep the “Magnificent Seven” sated and happy. 

You have to ensure that you have enough storage room for the “population explosion blooms” that will follow and the enormous dragon-hoard of cash it will bring.  

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Other Practical uses for Home and Health: 

“Magnificent Seven” blooms (all 7 together) are also reputed to greatly enhance male “potency” and extend “performance”.  Start by grinding the long and very stiff stems in circular motion several times until they “explode” into a sticky, opaque blue substance.  Shape into an oval capsule form and gulp it down with any alcoholic drink.  

Result:  Instant treatment for erectile dysfunction.   It can also be used by soldiers about to go to battle! 

(Note:  The only known side-effect of this practice is the desire to utter an Unbreakable Oath.   Better clamp your mouth shut with extra-tight clothespins to prevent this from happening.)

Russandol -   Petals can either boiled in very high temperature then placed in red tea bags.  This tea is a prized tonic and is usually drunk by athletes, bunjee jumpers, pole vaulters, parachutists and sky divers to “heighten” the excitement.  Women are known to insert the fragrant petals into their corsets or brassieres and claim to have noticed significant “growth” in that part of their anatomy. 

Macalaure – Petals should be marinated in sterilized sea water and poured to an earthenware jug.   Said to have favorable effects on the vocal chords.   Singers and musicians are encouraged to drink this tonic.  Sea travelers often toss a Macalaure into the ocean as a romantic gesture. 

Hasty Riser -  Whole flowers are pounded into a pulp and mixed with aloe and peroxide to produce a fragrant and very effective hair coloring cream.  The color lasts and lasts for Ages and would suit you even if you are not even blond to begin with.  Another use is to pound the petals and leaves into pure powder and applying it under your eyes to instantly get rid of eye bags and dark circles.  

Red-Faced  -  a well-known natural but very expensive ingredient in women’s cosmetics, particularly blushes, lipsticks, lip stains and lip gloss.  Can also be used to treat sunburn or excessive blushing of brides (virginal or not).

Daddy’s Favourite – is a popular substitute for Fëanaro BlackHorny.  Most people cannot afford the expensive Fëanaro BlackHorny so they opt to purchase a much cheaper but similar-looking Daddy’s Favourite instead.   Not to worry, it is as “gifted” as the real thing.  Popular gifts during Father’s Day celebrations. 

Ambarussa – Leaves can be used as natural, pocket-sized and eco-friendly “lighters”.  No need to bring matches in your next camping expedition or family barbeque!   You can also combine the petals with aloe and come up with a very effective insect repelling ointment.  But do not go near any open flame when you are wearing this ointment.   You have been warned. 

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Anecdotes

The well-known and very insatiable courtesan Merry Suelimina was recorded to have boasted that she had a “stud harem” in her palace.   After her death, her admirers discovered that she had planted “Magnificent Seven” all over her garden.  Even stranger still, strange-looking wildflowers that changed color appeared in between the “male flowers” and proceeded to bond with any or all of them immediately.   This was how the Wildflowers got their name.

Fossils of Magnificent Seven blooms and even their “population explosion offspring” have been found in the ruins of Cuivienien, Numenor and Beleriand. 

More Blooms to be featured soon!  (Orlando or otherwise.)
 

TBC

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Chapter End Notes

Up next :  The Fingolfinapsida class