The Scented Pleasure Garden by whitewave

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The Finarfinapsida

Alternative title would be:  My Worst Blond Jokes

This chapter is dedicated to Dawn Felagund, who beta'd this chapter.  Thanks to Alassante for sharing the meaning of Celeborn/Teleporno's name in the SWG Yahoo group digests.

 

 

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Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!  

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda. 

The Finarfinapsida is a renowned family that produces distinctively shiny bright yellow, platinum, metallic yellow, silvery-white and golden blooms.  It is mostly a “crawling” plant used for ground cover and for glitzy ornamentation.  It thrives very well near bodies of water (both fresh and salt-water), caves, cold plains, and even atop trees (in talans).  

This class is not particular to the type of plot because it couldn’t tell the difference anyway.  Finarfin has the same wholesome ambivalence to themes and can even be paired with a Fëanaro BlackHorny for “slash” plots.  All you have to ensure that the BlackHorny is intoxicated by “watering” it with a barrel of wine instead of water for a whole week.  And then spray red food coloring on the Finarfin’s petals.  Never, ever try a Fëanaro and Fingolfin combination if you value your existence.

Scientific Name:
Kingdom:  Royal Noldorin
Division:  Indis
Class:  Finarfinapsida
Order:   Valinorean Quendi
Family:   Lookatme

Common Names:
Arafinwë, Dumbbell, Barbie’s Dad, Mattel Toy, Summer Sunshine, Peroxide Fever, Pyrite (Fool’s Gold), Blond Moments
 
Trivia: 
In ancient Eldarin warfare, to foist a sprig of Finarfin signifies “Retreat”! In modern athletics, third placers are given Finarfin bouquets. 

Finarfinapsida is ideal for beginners or blond gardeners because it is so easy to grow!  It is not as expensive to maintain as Fingolfinapsida, nor as life threatening as the Fëanarapsida.   The only catch when growing this bloom is that you have to have large vats of Peroxide on hand because you will need to hand-spray the pale leaves and blooms twice daily with the chemical.  If you are too lazy to do this, the blooms will “darken” to a dull swamp-brown or crocodile-green color.  Dark-colored Finarfinapsida flowers have absolutely no resale value and are only useful for composting.

Some extreme (and hormonal) growers with serious stress issues have claimed to bait the Finarfin by wearing lower undergarments marked “This Way to Valinor” in front (or at the back—if you’re interested in that sort of thing).  We are not advocating hentai tentacle fetishes here, although this particular plant has been featured in a number of such movies. 

Just follow our Steps for Success below and you’re on your way to fulfillment!

First, take a couple of “highly-experienced” Finwë and Indis stalks to produce Finarfin--it’s that simple! 

Upon reaching maturity, plant the Finarfin near the seashore together only with a silver-haired female plant, preferably Eärwen (or Silver Swan); Finarfin will never pollinate any dark-colored plant nor will it reproduce with a blond-colored female.   If you do not live anywhere near the sea, just play recorded sea waves near the Finarfin and the Eärwen to facilitate the reproductive process.  Sometimes, the Finarfin will "self-pollinate" and produce an "Orodreth" all by itself. 

After producing offspring, Finarfin will lapse into “High King” (i.e. unproductive) phase.

The Finarfin and the Eärwen will produce the following blooms:

Dawn Felagundine – Nargo Blond, Finderato, Finrodette, Artafinde Ingolda, Nom (or Smart Aleck in obscure Avarin), Cave Hewer, Barbie Boy 2, Peroxide Axe, Mr. Congeniality

An extremely popular bloom that can be planted with any other shrub from different classes:  stunted (dwarf) shrubs, Fëanorians (except “Hasty Riser” and “Daddy’s Favorite”), Fingolfians, Second-born wildflower shrubs.  

This plant is named after the founder of the Eldarin Horticultural Society, an obscure Noldorin lore mistress.  This bloom is also the official emblem of the Eldarin Horticultural Society and was even featured in the risqué and highly-controversial adult novel “Lady Amarië’s Lover”.  

Iron Noble – Dortho Blond, Angrod, Peroxide Armor, Barbie Boy 3, Iron Gloves, Iron Mask, Iron Man, Tony Stark

Mainly used for “breeding” purposes only.  Pair with a Mary Sue wildflower to produce “Orodreth” a.k.a. Barbie Boy 5, which in turn can asexually produce “Gil-Galad or Ereinion”, blooms.  Iron Noble is very similar to Hair Commander in this respect but it is not known for certain as to who the real “father” plant of Gil-Galad is.  Botanists have yet to discover how to perform a paternity test for plants because by nature, kelvar are more “promiscuous” than olvar.  Don’t be so judgmental. 

Do not expose Iron Noble to sudden flame as it may wilt and die. As much as possible, do not place in close proximity with “Red-Faced” of the Fëanariapsida class or the two plants may try to harm each other.  It is advisable to plant a Russandol in between them. 

Fell Fire – Doria Blond, Aegnor, Peroxide Flame, Barbie Boy 4, Aikanaro, Ambarato, Figwit

Prefers “mortal” Andreth flowers that wilt very, very easily and needs to be replaced frequently.  Very useful ground-cover around fences and walls.  Like its brother plant Iron Noble, do not expose to sudden flame if you know what’s good for you. 

Man Maiden (or Transvestitania in obscure Avarin) - Loth Blond, Nerwen, Drag Queen, Artanis, Alatariel, Altariel, Peroxide Locks, Barbie, Witch of the Wood, Galadriel, Terrible Queen, Blondie Bumstead, Cate Blanchett

This is a very popular plant and has a number of beneficial qualities.   It also has a very long life span and thrives in most climates:  from frigid Helcaraxe to mild Lothlorien.  It can also adjust almost effortlessly in different habitats:  seaside, mountains, hillsides, underground caverns, treetops, and even indoors!  You are strongly advised not to plant it near Moria or Angband regions because it may wilt and lose its fair blond looks. 

It is one of most hardy plants but here are more precautionary steps to take in taking care of your Man Maidens:

Do not expose to Frodo Halfling shrubs because it causes the Man Maiden to double its height and turn a sickly crocodile green color.  It will only return to its original color if you submerge it completely in a vat of peroxide for a week.  If it still does not return to its normal glowing blond color, throw it in the compost heap quick!

Planting a Gimli stunted shrub or a Fëanaro BlackHorny near the Man Maiden causes it to shed all of its petals.  If you must insist on planting them side-by-side, you must do this:  String Super Silmaril Fertilizer Balls around a naked Nerdanel to distract the Fëanaro BlackHorny and string lots of shiny gems around a naked Legolas to distract the Gimli.

Mature Man Maidens often strive with “Sauron Black Spot”, which assaults its pretty shining leaves.  Place Nenya soil amendment nutrients with a seven-foot radius around the plant.  You may also surround it with several Galadhrim pesticide pellets and keep the Man Maiden close to its preferred male plant, Silver Member (or Teleporno of the Sindarapsida).  You have to regularly place the soil amendment near the Man Maiden or else it will fade. 

Extra precautions:  You may run the risk of going blind because of the extremely bright glare if you plant a Hasty Riser, Glorfindina or any Vanyar bloom with any of the Finarfinapsida class.  Please wear a decent pair of shades or dark eyeglasses when working with these plants. 

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Other Practical uses for Home and Health: 

Dawn Felagundine

The breathtaking beauty of the sunshine yellow flowers of this plant was held to enrapture whoever beholds it:  so much so that they burst into rhyme at the mere sight of the plant.  This is not very practical of course, especially if you have chores to do or have to rush to work.  Imagine bursting in to rhyme in front of your boss!
Better not to look at the plant on school or work days.  Or you can wear blindfolds while watering it or invest in a sprinkler. 

The sap and the nectar from this plant is one of the major ingredients in body deodorants.   The perfume from the flower is distilled in vast underground caverns which is why it is expensive to produce but money is no object for its avid users. In fact, when warriors of antiquity went back home to their wives, they often use this special deodorant to instantly get rid of “battle odor” and afterwards drink Viagril petal tablets (from the Magnificent Seven). 

Highly-concentrated quantities of the sap can even be used as “love potion” by unscrupulous maidens trying to snare hapless bachelors into marriage or by hopeless geeky men who want to be popular with the ladies.  Married couples swear by the scent’s “aphrodisiac” qualities and are usually given as anniversary presents. 

In the ancient Eldarin language of flowers, giving a Dawn Felagundine bloom to someone means:  “I pledge to protect you.” 

The woody stems of this plant can be used for plant lattice, trellises, fences, balustrades and harps. 

Iron Noble
The pulp of this plant was used in antiquity to “coax” criminals to confess to crimes, even if the said criminals are not at all guilty.   Nowadays, its grounded roots are combined to produce high-quality bullet-proof, bomb proof, electrocution-proof armor but the downside is you can not take it off ever again.  

The sap of this plant is used to perfume household and industrial bleach.  It is also used for rust-proofing armor, weapons and other items made of iron.

Fell Fire
Fell Fire has a subtle but clean and crisp pine scent that is very popular for backyards and for air fresheners (car, house and bathroom).  The reason behind its usefulness is that it does not overwhelm the nostrils and easily melts into the background, unlike the attention-getting scent of the Dawn Felagundina. 

Its sap is also a component for wallpaper glue and its wood is used for wall hangings and frames.  The wood can also be used for long-lasting bonfires and barbecues. 

Man Maidens
Man Maidens traditionally adorn the ring bearer’s boutonnière in weddings.  Or if you have a bone to pick with any or all of your bridesmaids, have them wear a wreath of Man Maidens in their hair.

Its leaves are useful in wrapping lembas or coimas and help keep it fresh even without refrigeration for a yeni.  Its stiff canes can be carved into sturdy long bows, arrow shafts, spears or axe handles.  Its shapely leaves have been mimicked by jewelers when creating brooches.  Its stems can be woven into soft gray traveler’s cloaks that repel mud and sweat which is why the cloth is also used for bed and pillow covers, tablecloths (don’t ask why), curtains & drapes (don’t ask how), floor rugs (you know why), potholders etc. etc.  You can also use these excellent Man Maiden cloaks in combination with the Dawn Felagundine perfume and the Viagril petals if you’re having an outdoor honeymoon! 

Healers use the ground petals and leaves of this plant to produce very strong hallucinogenic drugs, the overdose of which enable the user to perform random mind-speak or mind-reading.  But do not let your hearts be troubled, for the shadow shall pass.  In the meantime, you can use your new-found skills to earn some money by opening either a Psychic or a Love Chat hotline. 

There was an old folklore connected with Man Maidens:  On the eve of one’s Begetting Day you should steam the petals and inhale the vapors in front of a mirror so you can see “things that were, things that are, or things that may come to pass”.  This is just an old folklore so it is hardly verifiable. If you are blond you have an excuse for believing this hogwash.  If you are not, you’re either just gullible or maybe you’re more blond than you think.

 

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Chapter End Notes

My hair is nowhere near blond but I have lots of "blond" moments.  

Up next:  The Sindarapsida