The Scented Pleasure Garden by whitewave

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The Sindarapsida

This chapter is dedicated to Rhapsody and Robinka, esp. the Beleg (a.k.a. Strongbow) entry, and Alassante for starting the "Teleporno" thread in SWG Yahoo groups.  Having said that, this chapter is definitely not for the pure-hearted.

No beta for this chapter. Hope it's not too much of an eyesore.

*Sep 20 - added "Nice and Heavy/Mablung".

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Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!  

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda. 

Here is a recap of the Finwëan classes that we have discussed:
1) The prolific bedding blooms or the Fëanorapsida – 24/7 intensive pollination, extremely hardy but very lethal if not handled properly; very receptive to Mary Sue wildflowers (or weeds).  The ultimate solution to depopulated gardens.  Any type of plot will do.  Best floral arrangement/theme:  Erotica, Violence, Heresy

2) The ambitious or social-climbing blooms or the Fingolfinapsida - ostentatious blooms that require expensive pampering and marching trumpet music.   For optimum performance, wear servant’s uniforms when working in the garden.  Only canon or a very well-constructed gap-filler plot will do.  Best floral arrangement/theme: Melodrama, Ceremonial pomp

3) The crawling or ground cover blooms or the Finarfinapsida – Ideal for “blond” gardeners (we are not referring to hair color here, but a rather blissful state of mind).  Useless if not sprayed with peroxide regularly.  Fanon-friendly.  Best floral arrangement/theme:  Comedy (never use for Critical Essay or Research themes)

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We will now discuss the Sindarapsida (or Thindarapsida). It is a renowned family that produces distinctive gray, shiny white, white and silver scalloped blooms. Their long and very stiff canes are useful for making long bows, arrows and other more intimate items that require length and stiffness (if you’re interested in those sorts of things). 

This class is often used in hedges, fences, wall trellises, privacy screens and borders and aptly so for this class is extremely territorial and prone to sea-longing pestilence.  You are strongly advised not to plant this near the sea (except the Popeye variety). 

It thrives very well in secluded underground caves and even indoors and potted containers.   These plants have an on-again, off-again relationship with Naugrim shrubs—the older varieties are quite repulsed with them while newer “Orlando's Bloom” varieties seem to get along very well with them (especially Gimlis).  

Scientific Name:
Kingdom:  Sindarin (or Thindarin)
Division:  Stranded Teleri
Class:  Sindaripasida (or Thindarapsida)
Order:   Gray Elves
Family:   Stuckhere or Strandedum  (Thuckhere or Thrandedum)

Common Names:
Grey elves, Cave Dwellers, Girdlerama, Magic Camouflage, Menes
 
Elwë Enchanted – Doria the Explorer, Gray Cloak, Mene Splendored, Thingol Bells, Beleriand Overlord

This plant produces stately globular blooms with up to 1,000 petals each.  It is so renowned that it also had a major impact on linguistics:  the oft-used word “mene” traces its origin to this flower.   Some examples:  “I’m so depressed, I have so mene problems!” or “I have so mene clothes I can’t make up my mind!” “Mene thanks for your help.”

This bloom is considered a controlled substance and can only be grown in extremely secured areas like underground caves or covered with a tent made from unwashed girdles.  

Pairing Elwë with a Melian can produce Luthien Sue which is a type of wildflower (or weed).  Elwë can be quite temperamental but can be pacified with only one piece of Super Silmaril Fertilizer balls (which is cheaper compared to the three balls required to pacify a Fëanaro BlackHorny).  Do not plant with any of the Fëanarapsida or face the dire consequences.

Silver Member* – Teleporno, Lorien Distraction, Celeborn, You Hefner, Kendoll, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Drag King, Dagwood Bumstead, Martin Csokas** (rarely used)

*Or Every Girl’s Best Friend, Silver Stud, Silver Prick, Silver Live Wire, Silver Shaft, Silver Hot Rod, Silver Lovestick, Silver Joystick, Silver Manhood (or Elfhood or Dwarfhood or Hobbithood, Neighborhood, etc. etc.), Silver Phallus, Silver Front Tail, Silver Cock, Silver Dick, Silver Willy, Silver Shlong.  For a comprehensive guidebook with large color illustrations please proceed to the Society Gift Shop.

This bloom is the preferred partner of Man Maiden and every female (and some male) plant upon Arda.  Please separate Silver Member and Man Maiden if you are expecting prudish visitors in your garden.  Do not interrupt these two while they are pollinating or the Man Maiden may grow carnivorous and bite your hand off. (It is related to the Fëanaro BlackHorny after all).

This variety is available in a multitude of colors in addition to silver: there are rainbow-colored, fruit-flavored and even chocolate colored varieties although color is no issue.   It is an extremely “touchy-feely” plant and needs to be caressed and lubricated regularly to maintain its vitality.  If not, the bloom will fall off, which is quite tragic.  When the plant’s stamina is low, just place two “AA” Battery Fertilizer tubes at the roots and revolving pearl rings along the cane to revive it.  A word of caution, please regulate this plant’s exposure to the perpetually eager Man Maiden or Silver Member might wilt due to exhaustion. 

Trivia:  This plant has been voted as the “All-Time Favorite” by many members of the Eldarin Horticultural Society who swear by its “fun, stress-relieving and calorie-burning” benefits.  In case the Silver Member loses its vitality, just tickle it with a feather and it will rise to the occassion most admirably!

Popeye – Gray Beard, Cirdan, Shipwright, Barnacle Babe, Governor Swan

This bloom is usually planted in sea ports and ships hence, is very popular with sailors. Gardeners often use briny water from the sea to water this plant.  It is the only member of the class that is immune to “Sea-Longing” pestilence.  

Cirth Singer – Daeron the Explorer

A very close relative of Elwë Enchanted, the Cirth Singer is the Sindarin equivalent of the Fëanarapsida’s Macalaurë.  Newbie growers are strongly advised against placing these plants together because of their “silent animosity” with each other.  Botanical tests have shown that while looking placid on ground level, the two plants are actually trying to strangle each other’s roots.   You can go around this silent animosity by placing them in reinforced concrete pots and by spending equal time with each so they won’t feel jealous.

Strongbow - Apollo, Beleg, Binka's Delight, Rhapsody in Gray, Forest Mint, Robin Hood, Cúthalion, Gray Debonair

Strongbow is an extremely hardy and sturdy plant that originated in Cuiviénen soil together with most “forefather” stalks, it is very compatible with almost all other plants but take care not to expose it to Doctor Doom (Turin) shrub, (a.k.a. Fashion Disaster in obscure Avarin).   The detrimental Doctor Doom shrub is always harmful to Strongbow so keep them as far away from each other as you can. If Doctor Doom refuses to leave, smother it with a gallon of Glaurung Good Luck! Disinfectant. 

You may pair Strongbow with Nellas flowers although it is also quite receptive towards Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds). 

*Nice and Heavy -- Heavy-Handed, Dumbbells, Barbell Boy, Deadweight, Mablung, March Warden, Kettlebell, Rocky

Nice and Heavy thrives in caves and outdoor wooded areas previously planted with Strongbow plants.  It is tolerant of slash plots especially with Strongbow, but never with Saeros.  It can also be used to fertilize Mary Sue wildflowers (or weeds).  These are too heavy to be planted in loamy, sandy soil or in potted containers. 

Randy Thrandy - Thranduil, Golden Bow, Bling Bling, Wine Guzzler, Lucius Malfoy, Woodland King, Mal's Passion, Mary's Delight, Randy Scepter

Randy Thrandy thrives well if planted in either used wine barrels (only premium Dorwinion vintage will do) or any pot made of shiny material like platinum, gold or silver, even pyrite (fool’s gold).  If you are broke, you can always substitute aluminum foil from the kitchen but you must replenish it regularly.   Bilbo Halfling parasitic shrubs can eat your Randy Thrandy into bankruptcy so keep the two plants away from each other. 

You can either pair it with a Mary Sue Wildflower (or weed) to distract it from its alcoholism or you can give it enough shiny stuff so it will self-pollinate and produce the award-winning and impossibly beautiful Orlando’s Bloom.

Orlando’s Bloom – Legolas, Sexy Leggy, Green Leaf, Purty Elf boy, ‘D Heartthrob, Draco Malfoy, Paris Flop, Balian Flop, Will Turner Hit, Prince Charming

This impossibly beautiful and frail bloom is highly-sought after in Erotica, Romance and Slash and Action/Adventure (mostly Fanon) because it tends to be very boring, and even non-sensical in Canon. 

It has very close affinity with Gimli stunted shrubs, Aragorn muddy ferns and Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds).  Orlando’s Bloom is perpetually exhausted because of the constant attention of the said wildflowers so you should stock up on Lembas Energizer wafers.

Do not plant this bloom with the Magnificent Seven for this will cause the Mary Sue Wildflowers to go on a violent “Fan girl frenzy” which often result in bodily damage (yours, for the most part).  The benefits of this peculiar “Fan girl frenzy” often result in overproduction of “infant” blooms.    

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Practical uses for Home and Health: 

Elwë Enchanted

The sap from this plant is a potent hypnotic drug that can put the user in a prolonged, trance-like state that eventually results in shotgun marriages or elopements.   Please use extreme discretion when handling this plant. 

Silver Member

Needless to say, Silver Member’s fun, stress-relieving and calorie-burning benefits make it a mainstay in homes, cars, offices, parks all over Arda.  Describing it in detail is way beyond the scope of this leaflet.  You may consult the Eldarin Kama Sutra for specifications and illustrated positions.

Popeye

Crushed leaves of Popeye, that resemble spinach, are held to increase muscle density and provide temporary increase in strength.  The only side-effect for users is that they grow an extremely dense gray beard with prolonged use, which is impossible to shave off.

Cirth Singer

It is very similar to the Macalaurë in that crushed petals, mixed with tepid tap water, is held to be very beneficial to the vocal chords.  Rubbing Cirth Singer sap into your fingers will make them quite sticky but resistant to calluses from too much harp playing.   
 
Strongbow

Strongbow is widely used in Eldarin cuisine, especially in baking.  The edible and delightfully palatable petals are usually coated with milk chocolate and used to top cakes and other pastries.  Hormonal newlyweds often commission kink cakes strewn with chocolate-coated Strongbow petals to “keep up their strength”.

Some pharmacists have tried to distill a Strongbow tonic, which people often use for extra stamina, endurance and longevity.  We leave it to your wild and hopelessly perverted imagination to conjure why exactly you would need those attributes for.

Chocolate-coated Belegs are considered a delicacy in Beleriand and is a popular gift during bridal showers.  

*Nice and Heavy 

The nectar of Nice and Heavy is distilled with pure forest spring water and used as an effective deodorant, recommended for weight lifters, athletes, strippers and lap dancers.  It is a tradition in Beleriand to pin a sprig of Nice and Heavy to clothing during wolf hunts, search expeditions, especially if you really don’t want to find anything anyway.   

Randy Thrandy

Boil petals of Randy Thrandy and mix with water to instantly get rid of pesky hangovers but it would just leave you wanting to drink more.  Most growers buy Randy Thrandy if only to produce Orlando’s Bloom then discard it afterwards.

Orlando’s Bloom

Other than its showcasing its good looks or producing offspring, there is not much practical use for an Orlando’s Bloom.  You can try to use it as a “foil” to the haughty Magnificent Seven who seem to think that they monopolize the good looks market.  Enterprising gardeners often take advantage of this situation by provoking the “fan girl frenzy” where the eight blooms “compete” with each other in producing the most offspring.  

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Chapter End Notes

I'm still thinking if I'll continue with the Vanya, Teleri and Avari.  What do you think?