The Scented Pleasure Garden by whitewave

The Avarinapsida

This is the last chapter for this series!

Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!  

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda. 

The Avarinapsida is an obscure but highly-prolific family that produces the richest variety of plants—virtually all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors!  Most cultivated Eldarin plants today started out growing in the wild until they were ‘domesticated’ by breeders and growers. 

All Eldarin plants can trace their roots to Avarinapsida, which first thrived in Cuiviénen soil (for First-borns) and Hildórien soil (for Second-borns). 

Scientific Name
Kingdom:  Moriquendi
Division:  Tatyar and Nelyar
Class:  Avarinapsida
Order:  Power failure
Family:  (Polite) Nothanksum;  (Vulgar)  No-no-no

Other Names: 
Original Characters (male or female), Gary Stu or Mary Sue (derogatory), wildflowers or weeds, Proto-plants, filler/stock plants.  In Japan, these are also called ‘Magic girls’ (or boys).
 
Examples:
OFC/Mary Sue/Femme Fatale (female) – Luthien Tinuviel, Helen of Troy, Sita of Ramayana, Bond girls, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Lara Croft

OMC/Gary Stu (male) – Beren Erchamion, Hercules, Theseus, Perseus, James Bond, Superman, Batman, Blofeld, Dr. No, Lex Luthor

Avarinapsida thrive in any type of plot although some ultra-canon growers shun Avarinapsida in their precious plots. More growers recognize the inherent beauty and value that these varieties have that can be highly-flattering to canon-grown Eldarin plants.   Many Avarinapsida can even outshine Eldarin plants and preside on their own plots. 

Avarinapsida are usually subject to several Litmus tests that abound in gardening centers. 

Trivia: 

Relics of Avarinapsida plants have been found in the most ancient civilizations all over Arda, the most prominent of which include are the Mesopotamians, the Greeks (and later the Romans), the Nordic races, the Meso-Americans, the Chinese and the Hindus.    Avarinapsida have also taken center stage in ancient works of literature like the Iliad, the Odyssey, Ramayana, Mahabharata, Kalevala, fairy tales, and legends.  

Modern popular fiction is also replete with Avarinapsida ranging from the most mundane to the most fantastical forms, including superheroes, supermodels, aliens, celebrities, etc.

The Eldarin Horticultural Society has the following sub-classifications of Avarinapsida:

(Class A) Tolkien variety – these are not wildflowers per se but for purposes of classification all other Eldarin plants with no specific class are included here.  Ultra Canon-growers prefer this variety.

Eöl – McGalvorn, Knight of the Starry Pool, The Librarian’s Bestfriend, Shhhh!

This plant has an unnatural affinity for black metallic objects so you have to take care on where you leave your gardening implements.  If and when these implements do disappear, just dig a few feet near the Eöl’s roots and viola! (if only real-life burglaries were that easy to solve.)

Female gardeners will get excellent results if they wear white and/or silver garments while tending this plant as this will get Eöl “in the mood” faster, thereby facilitating the pollination process.  Male gardeners can wear a thick, dwarf-like beard and hairy shoulder pelts to get the same results.  It also helps to keep absolutely quiet while you are watering or fertilizing this plant as it shuns any type of noise which is why it is favored by librarians.

Of all the male Eldarin plants, Eöl is the only one willing to pollinate female Naugrim shrubs as long as it is near a starry pool.  It also tolerates “slash” pairings with almost any male Eldarin plant except the Fëanáro BlackHorny (which is consistently antagonistic to everything anyway, so no surprises there), although some hobbyists use the plants for vicious frottage fencing or stamen-length competitions.

Sharpie – Maeglin, Stalker Cousin, Lomion, Sharp Glance
(See entry under Gondolinapsida, Chapter 7)

The Pill – Saeros, Tea Dregs, Anti-Biotic, Alcohol

The Pill harbors an inordinate dislike for hairy mortal shrubs like Doctor Doom or Beren Erchamion so you must keep them away from each other at all costs.  It is highly attracted to Elwë Enchanted, which in turn mistakes often The Pill for a Melian, resulting in an unintentional “slash” pairing.

You must wear a finely-woven hairnet when working with The Pill as it is highly-allergic to hair. 

The Grim Brothers - Nurwë and Morwë, Wachowsky Brothers

These plants are highly unsociable and the blooms are quite grim-looking which is why it is mostly used for funerals, cremations or as gifts for annoying mothers-in-law.  It was rumored (by Noldorin botanists no doubt) that these plants were the ancestors of Orc brambles although this claim has not been proven. 

(Class B) Pandemonium variety - are well-developed, highly-defined, best-of-class wildflowers.  A consistent winner in gardening shows like the MEFAs. It takes much skill and lots of practice on the part of the growers to produce Class B’s.    The flowers of this variety are very showy, spotty and resemble foxgloves, delphiniums and lupines.  They are therapeutic in low doses and toxic in high doses.  You have been warned.  

Sámaril (male) - 3G or gorgeous Greek god

Well-equipped with Noldo-sized stamens, Sámaril is always ready for pollination!  This variety inherently favors ‘mortal’ female plants. At first it may seem standoffish or even cold towards said female plants, but given time and a shove in the right direction, Sámaril will deliver!   It also performs “surrogate” father-plant functions to Peredhel sprouts like Valandilium. 

Mélamírë (female) - The Jinn

Mélamírë is a hardy female variety that has been successfully propagated in the Far East despite its solid Western pedigree.  It’s formal, almost stately-looking appearance hides its more passionate, hothouse character. Artisans like to capture its beauty in intricate brooches and dress pins. 

Both are highly-susceptible to “Sauron BlackSpot” but using a Doc Bushwell brand premium pesticide will solve the problem in no time.

(Class C) Stock or Filler variety  - Most mythological heroes (ancient and modern) fall under this category. Specimens range from the most annoyingly perfect and/or dull to the most fantastical varieties that exceed the Canon characters in power and pedigree.

Beren Erchamion (male) – Gary Stu, Austin Powers, Chesthair, One-hand, Brad Pitt, Magic Boy

Beren was first cultivated by the obscure Lossoth of Forochel.   The Lossoth are said to prize  it above all other plants to the point of using it as currency.   Beren’s hairy stems are used as chest wigs. 

Luthien Tinuviel  (female)  - Mary Sue, Snow White, Suthien, Angelina Jolie, Magic Girl

This impossibly beautiful, magical, and extremely perfect plant always attracts a large number of cute and cuddly woodland creatures which is why falling bird poop is a real hazard when you have this plant in your garden. Do not plant near Hasty Riser or Daddy’s Favorite plants (of the Fëanarapsida class) for these always attempt to uproot the Luthien.   

(Class D) Pin-ups – Considered the lowest in terms of quality but the highest in terms of commercial value.  It is the most reviled or envied for different reasons and is the most susceptible to flaming pestilence.  Amateur growers usually prefer this class in their initial forays into Eldarin gardening. 

Bond, James Bond (male) – Connery 60’s, Moore 70’s/80’s, Who’s Lazenby, Dalton Two, Brosnan Squee, Craig Now, Magnificent Seven II

This male pin-up is always ultra-suave even under the most brutal pressure plus it always manages to charm all the female plants, save Olvar-kind in Arda and all of this well under two hours! 

Highly-profitable for product endorsements. 

Bond Girls (female) – Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, May Day, Octopussy, Plenty O’Toole, Vesper Lynd, Mary Goodnight, Xenia Onatopp, Baywatch girls

These eye candies always look gorgeous 24/7 (regardless of storms, mud or dehydration), are perfectly symmetrical and always larger-than-life usually fulfill the role of main lust interest for most male (and sometimes female) Eldarin plants. 

Their curvaceous anatomies and its natural and insatiable liking for pollination make it perfect bed partners for the Magnificent Seven of the Fëanarapsida class, who will pollinate anything within reach of their stamens.

‘Mutant’ varieties of pin-ups often grow an extra stamen (for male) or a third mammary gland (for females) if they are planted for extended periods to Fanon plots. 

Chapter End Notes

And that's a wrap!  Thank you very much dear readers and reviewers for your support and kind words.  I have other stories planned so please stay tuned.