The Scented Pleasure Garden by whitewave

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Fanwork Notes

Pruning the Blackhorny

 *This delightful drawing was a birthday gift from Pandemonium_213!  

I was inspired by a thick gardening book on Roses I saw in the bookstore earlier and could not help but taking another swipe at my favorite elf muses in The Silmarillion.  No offense is meant to anyone except to the Houses of Fëanor, Fingolfin and Finarfin!

I also recalled (much, much later after I started writing this) about reading about Maitimo's fondness for cultivating roses in Dawn's stories:  "Another Man's Cage" and "By The Light of Roses".   

2009 MEFA - 2nd Place - Humor: Elven Legends

Fanwork Information

Summary:

A very irreverent and heretical look at the Silmarillion Elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language.  You have been warned. *Complete!

***Some varieties were updated on Jan 1, 2009 to include my LJ friends' names in their particular muse's entry.

Chibis generated from this site:  http://www.tektek.org/dream/

Major Characters: Aegnor, Angrod, Aredhel, Argon, Beleg, Celeborn, Celebrimbor, Círdan, Daeron, Ecthelion of the Fountain, Egalmoth, Elenwë, Elu Thingol, Eärwen, Eöl, Fëanor, Finarfin, Fingolfin, Fingon, Finrod Felagund, Finwë, Galadriel, Galdor of the Tree, Glorfindel, Idril, Indis, Ingwë, Lúthien Tinúviel, Mablung, Maeglin, Míriel Serindë, Nerdanel, Orodreth, Oropher, Rog, Rúmil (Valinor), Saeros, Salgant, Sauron, Sons of Fëanor, Thranduil, Valar

Major Relationships:

Artwork Type: No artwork type listed

Genre: Humor

Challenges:

Rating: Adult

Warnings: Mature Themes, Sexual Content (Moderate)

This fanwork belongs to the series

My Preciousssss Mary Sues
Chapters: 9 Word Count: 13, 086
Posted on 3 May 2008 Updated on 18 January 2009

This fanwork is complete.

Table of Contents

The Fëanariapsida

HairCommander - Fingon; IronNoble - Angrod;  Silverfist - Celebrimbor

From Dictionary.com: 
Bumper crop -  an unusually large crop growth and harvest
Cash crop – any crop that is considered as easily marketable such as wheat or cotton

Chibified author grafting Feanaro BlackHornies with Nerdanels :^)

The Fingolfinapsida

 

Hi!  Apologies for the very long waiting time between the updates.  The past month was insane at work.  Thanks for bearing with me.  I'm working on Finarfinapsida at the very moment and should be able to post soon.

Many thanks to Dawn Felagund for her Beta work, although I made a few "additions" to the chapter I'm posting now.  All errors are definitely mine.   

Tending to the Fingolfins in servant's uniforms

The Finarfinapsida

Alternative title would be:  My Worst Blond Jokes

This chapter is dedicated to Dawn Felagund, who beta'd this chapter.  Thanks to Alassante for sharing the meaning of Celeborn/Teleporno's name in the SWG Yahoo group digests.

Being Blonde while spraying peroxide 

 

The Sindarapsida

This chapter is dedicated to Rhapsody and Robinka, esp. the Beleg (a.k.a. Strongbow) entry, and Alassante for starting the "Teleporno" thread in SWG Yahoo groups.  Having said that, this chapter is definitely not for the pure-hearted.

No beta for this chapter. Hope it's not too much of an eyesore.

*Sep 20 - added "Nice and Heavy/Mablung".

Tending Sinda blooms

The Vanyarapsida

Hi sorry for the late update--I have been busy.  I've also updated Chapter 4 to add "Nice and Heavy" or Mablung.  No beta for this chapter.

Tending Vanya blooms

The Telerinapsida

There are very few Teleri so I changed my style a bit. 

No beta for this chapter.  

Telerin blossoms all around

The Gondolinapsida

With Gondolin bachelor plants

Nandorapsida & Galadhrimapsida

nandorapsida

The Avarinapsida

Avarinapsida

This is the last chapter for this series!

Comments

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I now know not to ever have coffee in my mouth when I read your latest.  I have tears in my eyes from laughing thanks to this. You just keep outdoing yourself.

There are so many hootworthy a.k.a. ROTFLMAO bits in here:

Smart Ass (obscure Avarin for ‘wise’)

The Mean Median and the Mole

FëanároBlondHorny 

Class:  Gondolinapsida
Order:   Xenophobium

This is a brilliantly hilarious series, wavey! 

 

Ah Whitewave you made me laugh so hard that I was in tears!!!!! I'm just glad I wasn't drinking anything at the time.

Some of my favs:

Scientific name
family dysfunctionalensum

Stud Harem yay!

Laughed my head off at this one: hot monogamy society

 Eldarin Kama Sutra (where can I get a copy?)

withered but still elongated stamens (hehehehe)

Feanaro blackhorny (I'm still giggling.)

Oathing pestilence (your muses are going to get you back for that.)

Blond! ;)

Hi! I was positively squeeing when I saw all the review notifications in my inbox.  Thanks for taking the time to review.  There will be 2 more I think - one for the Nandor/Galadhrim and the last for the Avari.  May I ask who your favorite Sil/elven character is so I can insert your pen name in the "varieties" list?  

*doubles over laughing* and here's why...

For Fanon, it produces platinum blond flowers with a kitsch-looking maroon cape. For Canon plots it grows insipid dark brown blooms.

Oh, yes.  The maroon cape.

For better results, gardeners tending this plant in Fanon plots should be attired with a red velvet blindfold and latex body paint. Cracking a whip in front of the plant also helps to ‘tone down’ its legendary arrogance.

Thank you.  Thank you for these splendid descriptions of Fanon!Haldir.   

McSteamy and McSaucy

Along with Fanon!Haldir, I believe these varietals contributed to a movie critic of the Boston Globe to refer to the elves as "fussy Swedish hairdressers" when he reviewed Fellowship of the Ring (the movie).  

Amroth and Nimrodel - "highly hydrophobic."  Ahahahahahaha!

And the mysterious "Never You Mind."

I can't tell you how much this series tickles me.  You nail the glorious combination of Tolkien, contemporary pop culture (I'm addicted to it) <i>and</i> botany in one fell swoop. 

I finally got a chance to read! Hehehehe you had me laughing my head off. I put some of my favorite lines below.

the Magnificent Seven of the Feanarapsida class, who will pollinate anything within reach of their stamens. (That has so many possibilities! Where do you buy them? ;)

This plant has an unnatural affinity for black metallic objects so you have to take on where you leave your gardening implements. (If only real-life burglaries were that easy to solve.) (ROFL!!!)

Male gardeners can wear a thick, dwarf like beard and hair shoulder pelts to get the same results (Gross! But very funny)

Feanaro BlackHorny (which is consistently antagonistic to everything anyway, so no surprises there.) (I laughed my head off when I read this. You have to lurve Feanor.)

Do not plant near Hasty Riser or Daddy's Favorite Plants for these always attempt tp uproot Luthien (This one had me rolling. Awwww even the plant can't get lucky.) 

The (Class D) Pin-Ups made me giggle. It always manages to charm all the plants and under two hours. ROFL!

Ya do make me laugh Whitewave :DDD

Needless to say, my varietals are wildly flattered that they were catalogued here. (And I'm wildly flattered by the cartoon :^)).  The Jinn is her usual gracious self about it, but the 3G is out of control.  "That whitewave, she's a bit of all right!" :^D  And this...

"Both are highly-susceptible to “Sauron BlackSpot” but using a Doc Bushwell brand premium pesticide will solve the problem in no time."

...made the dark muse laugh (evilly, of course).

Congrats on finishing the series, but I hate to see it end. Botanical taxonomy, horticulture, adroit use of pop cultural iconography, and a satirical but deeply affectionate take on Tolkienian fandom. What more could I want? 

Thanks for the many laughs I plucked from this brilliant and very clever garden.